COB, A SPACE ODYSSEY: PART 3 - MUST BE A DUCK
When Cob landed amongst the swarm of ducks that had helped him to fly over the cursed territory of SeaWorld, he immediately went to their leader, Ducklord Wakk, to propose a campaign of total war against all dolphins and dolphin sympathizers. The venerable white duck, however, simply raised a warning wing.
“As I told you before, you lack wisdom. There is much yet for you to learn. How can we know that you will not lead us on a suicide mission?”
“I'll pinky swear?” said Cob.
“Not good enough!” squawked the duck. “No, before I can trust you with the fate of my domain, you must prove yourself. Three tests you must pass ere I will lift a single feather to aid you. We will begin immediately, with THE TEST OF INTELLECT.”
A murmur of anticipation rippled through the crowd, except it was a crowd of ducks and so the murmur sounded more like a bunch of people trying to fart quietly. The Ducklord's guard gathered around him. They were mallards, magnificently black and green, dressed in full duck regalia (meaning they were naked.) The Ducklord paused impressively, and then spoke:
“Answer me this riddle, and pass the test. But be warned! It is fiendish in its complexity. Let us begin:
'I walk on two legs
but I'd much rather not
I'm highly advanced
and incredibly hot
Everyone likes me
as I am the best
got so many bitches
inside of my nest
what am I?”
“A duck,” said Cob.
“Damn,” said the Ducklord. “Okay, next challenge. As a wise man once said, 'I find that a duck's opinion of me is mostly based on whether or not I have bread.' Truer words have never been spoken. Bring us a bread, so that we may feast.”
Therefore Cob mounted his motorcycle, and journeyed to the supermarket, where mountains of goods loomed on all sides. He ignored the produce, crept past the butcher, and scowled at the rows and rows of “Dolphin Safe” tuna. Finally he found himself in the bread aisle, surrounded by the bread of a thousand bakers. What had at first seemed a simple task was now a trial indeed: which bread would please the ducks? Cob despaired of ever finding the right brand, until his eyes landed upon a parti-colored package promising a bread … of wonder.
Surely this Wonder-Bread would please the ducks! Cob purchased it and sped back to the Ducklord. The ducks were a little snobbish about it but it turned out to be okay.
But the final test was to prove to be the most difficult of all! To be frank, the ducks had simply thrown the first two tasks into the mix so that there would be three tasks. They really only needed the third. For, you see, all the ducks in the world practice a very peculiar religion known as Defecatism, which exalts pooping above all other acts. The duck language, in fact, has over fifty words for “fun to poop on,” which is even more impressive when one considers that the duck language only has fifty-five words. Because of this, however, the public park which the Ducklord and his cohort called home was a perpetual shit salad. The ducks didn't mind it so much, as it was all part of their religion, but the filth was starting to scare off the humans, and therefore the bread that humans often brought with them.
The ducks had expected Cob to recoil at this task, but Cob simply smiled.
“No problem,” he said, and the gleam from his dashing grin blinded several of the ducks permanently.
“But how will you accomplish this feat?” asked one duck, “Will you re-direct an entire river, as Hercules did when made to clean the stables of Aegeus?”
“No,” said Cob, “Hercules was an idiot. I,” and at this point he struck a dramatic pose that would have been extremely flattering if he was not surrounded by duck poop, “am a civil engineer.”
Using all the strength of his craft, Cob devised a brilliant system of pipes and valves to solve the duck's butt problems permanently. He modified the already massive duck pond so that it would overflow and flood the park once every week, then drain into an enormous gutter at the bottom of the pond, taking all of the filth with it. The pond would then refill again, and so on, essentially turning the park into a giant religious duck toilet. It was beautiful, and all were in awe.
All, that is, except for the dolphins. For, in order to accomplish this feat of engineering, Cob had to divert a great deal of water to the pond. And where was that water coming from? The ocean, of course. This was a move that could not be ignored, and within a month, the dolphins had made an open declaration of war.
The trials of Cob were just beginning ...