House Morningwood

is creating an army to battle tomfuckery.

Select a membership level

Smallfolk [Sworn to House Morningwood]

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per month
Thank you, thank you, a thousand times thank you. Do not consider yourself as a menial, unwashed peasant (though you probably are). You may be the lowliest and most pathetic of our sworn swords, but don't focus on that; rather, think of yourself the foundation of our Great House!


🚩 The right to bear the sigil of House Morningwood and speak our words ("Rise Before Dawn")

💋 Membership in Nancy's Squat & Gobble.

💵 Occasional discount codes for high end manufacturers and retailers of tactical equipment and accessories. *These will be provided after your first 30 days of membership.
Includes Discord benefits


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per month


Upon the backs of such men-at-arms and shieldmaidens as you are the armies of House Morningwood build. We will spend your coin wisely. 


 💵  Access to the House Morningwood Bazaar (known in certain circles as the "Tactical Buyers Club")


     ⚔️ Includes 10-25% discount codes from 10% to 25% on
    major manufacturers and retailers.*

✉️ Standing invite to Breach-Bang-Clear gatherings, rallies, hoedowns, and hootenannies. 

💋  Membership at Nancy's Squat & Gobble 

🚩 The right to bear the sigil of House Morningwood and speak our words ("Rise Before Dawn") 

Your support shall help us in many ways, allowing us to:


● continue educating and edifying our readers

● do battle with the dumbing-down of society

● rage against the decline of civil discourse

● rescue damsels in distress

● deflower the occasional maiden

 *These will be provided after your first 30 days of membership. 

Includes Discord benefits

Hedge Knight

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per month

Welcome Ser, and thank you!  You may be the dregs of the knightly orders, but we'll take your money! Thank you for becoming a Sworn Sword and dedicating yourself to the cause of Morning Wood. 



👊 Everybody has to call you Ser (though it is your responsibility to enforce this rule). 

💰 Access to House Morningwood's Bazaar (known in certain circles as the "Tactical Buyers Club.")


⚔️ Includes discount codes up to 50% on major manufacturers and retailers.*

💢 The sigil of House Morningwood delivered by courier to your door (morale patch) after 3 will probably have to remind us, though.

✉️ Standing invite to Breach-Bang-Clear gatherings, rallies, hoedowns, and hootenannies. 

💋  Membership at Nancy's Squat & Gobble 

🚩 The right to bear the sigil of House Morningwood and speak our words ("Rise Before Dawn") 

Includes Discord benefits



About House Morningwood

Don't run off, dammit! We put a lot of work into this!

Welcome to the Mad Duo's Tactical Buyers Alliance, aka "House Morningwood." 

It's kinda like a Tactical Buyers Club. Think Sam's Club, Costco, AAA, AARP, or the Diners Club, but focused on gear & training. 

Back us. Membership is worth the money.

Together we'll talk about stuff, shoot guns, break things, support charities, buy bourbon, pay for ammo, and talk shit about people who aren't a part of our less-than-humble alliance. 

Why should you pledge yourself toHouse Morning wood?

     There are lotsa reasons, and they are all very...

1. $1/month (smallfolk) to join our discussion group ( Nancy's Squat & Gobble ), get recurring discounts on gear, and access to closed article and sweet prizes, giveaways and other loot.
2. $5/month or more (e.g.  Sworn Sword and Hedge Knight, etc.) allows you into the  Morningwood Bazaar VIP area. This virtual marketplace features numerous coupon codes and members-only purchase opportunities for up to 60% off. (this is from a badass lineup of manufacturers and instructors, as explained below.)

3. You can say you're a member of House Morningwood and display our sigil, which let's face it is some funny shit. (Especially if you're a bastard knight, right Ser Bone?)

A great community. Dozens of great companies. Irreverence and serious conversation intertwined...

You know who we are. You know what we do, and you know why we do it. 

It takes money to make this happen, though. 

We need to pay our writers (though we joke that most don't deserve it). We need ammunition for training and for fodder for cool pictures so we look good on Instagram. We require funding to travel and afford good bourbon because taking a bus sucks and Old Crow tastes like ass. 

We also support a number of worthwhile charitable causes. 

*See more examples below.

That's why we created the Morningwood Bazaar and rebuilt Ye Olde Nancy's Squat & Gobble. 

The Morningwood Bazaar | Current Participants

You support us, we'll give you your own unique content and the opportunity to save from 10% to 60% on a number of badass tactical and outdoor brands.

There are a total of over three dozen companies involved to date. If you buy more than a couple of firearm accessories or pieces of good kit in the next year it'll have paid for itself.

So. Knowing what you know now, is there any reason not to spend a buck or five (or twenty-five) to support us?

Lift your banner with Morningwood! 

⚔️ Lords ⚔️ Knight Errant ⚔️ Bastard Knights ⚔️ Hedge Knights ⚔️ Bannerman ⚔️ Smallfolk

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56 of 500 patrons
Our advertising currently covers some of our travel, a little bit of our ammo, and a small stipend for our some of our writers, some of the time.

Hitting 500 patrons should allow us not only to pay all of our writers a little bit, we'll be able to bring on a part-time editor. We'd also prob'ly have enough left over to buy some 40s and celebrate the fact that people are actually giving us money to do this.
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