Kitchen Catastrophes is creating Comedic Cooking Blog posts
10
patrons
$78
per month
Hello and Welcome to the Kitchen Catastrophes Patreon Page! I’m your author and Digital Tour-guide through the Modern version of the Medici’s Florence, Jon O’Guin. I’m sure you’ve got some questions, but I can’t hear them, because the bugs I placed in your house stopped working months ago. So, instead, I’ll answer some general ones, and hope I mostly hit the mark:

Who are you again?

Jon O’Guin. We literally just met. I’m the main content creator for Kitchen-Catastrophe.com, a blog devoted to helping people push the boundaries of their cooking curriculum by documenting my various attempts at various dishes, both successful and failures. We don’t think you should be scared of your kitchen. Unless it’s haunted. In which case your fears are perfectly reasonable.

A Wise Guy, Eh?

That feels more like a rhetorical question than a genuine one, but sure. Yeah, I am a wise guy. All the writers for the blog are mostly trained in theatre or comedy. We’re not experts. We’re not professional chefs. That’s part of the appeal. I started cooking for fun in High School, after I literally destroyed a bowl burning Easy Mac. EASY MAC. I swore “never again”, and started learning. We’ve had cakes collapse, lemon curds turn into citrus swamps, and had some actually pretty good meals.

So why am I here?

The site is run by myself and my partner Alan Vandegrift. We started it as a creative project after years of me writing up my culinary failings as Facebook notes, and he said “Shit, man, these are tight as SHIT. You GOTTA put that up on the WEB, where peeps can see.” (Paraphrased) And we did. And it did well. The site gets a couple hundred views a week, and people seem to like it.

But here’s the thing: it doesn’t make any money. See, we’re normal guys. I know I’m personally running Adblock at least 95% of the time I'm online. And ads don’t pay enough at the level of traffic we have without being SUPER intrusive. So we said “Screw it. No ads.” And we’re proud of that decision. But we’re not too proud to beg.

By supporting the site, you’ll be covering the costs of what we do, and supporting us to do more. Since I started writing, people have wanted a cookbook. Since I started the site, I've wanted to get the team together and make jokes over Julia and Julia or something for you guys. We can get these things done, together. And you can get the sweet taste of victory first.

So check out the reward tiers on the right, and the goals on the left, and if you see things you like, please feel free to contribute.

I want to give you my money, but I want you to beg a little more.


Aha, a little digital power trip? Sure thing!

So, the schedule for Kitchen Catastrophes is one post every Monday and Thursdays. That’s 8 posts a month that you can support for as little as $1 a month. That’s twelve cents a post. That’s the cheapest entertainment you can buy outside of outright stealing it. (Or, you know, supporting someone at $1 a month that posts 3 times a week, but hey, I asked first.)

Your contributions are scheduled once a month, every month, until you choose to discontinue supporting us. “Discontinue supporting us” is business speak for “Throw our ass out the door to save up for some Twizzlers.”

Right now, my partner and I have agreed, if the site isn’t making at least $30 a month by the end of the year, we’ll have to close the site. We just can’t afford to invest our time and resources for something the people don’t want.

Our site lives and dies by your magnanimity. And wouldn’t it be cool to be the kind of person who HAS magnanimity? That’s some “Duke of Orleans” level swagger.

So find it in your incredible, gracious, and I-hope-I’m-not-being-too-forward beautiful heart to keep us out of the poor house, and on the internet, telling jokes about Corn, where we belong.
Tiers
Just an Appetizer
$1 or more per month
You'll get access to all Patron-only content.
-If I can't decide between two recipes, you can vote for which you want.
-You'll get photos that I couldn't fit into each post (On average, I take about 4-5 more pictures than I end up using.)
-And you'll get thoughts and asides about upcoming posts and plans.

And, you'll get a bonus 'Classic Catastrophe' post!
Ringing the Dinner Bell
$3 or more per month
The big one here will be access to the Catastrophic Captain's Logs: Audio recordings of the posts, so you can take Kitchen Castastrophes where-ever you go.

Also everything in the $1 reward tier.
Garde Manger
$10 or more per month
Starting at this tier, you'll be acknowledged on the site under the tier of your support level. 

Garde Manger will also get to listen in on a monthly Skype call with myself and Alan, where we talk shop about the site, ad campaigns, and all the behind the scenes workings of the site.
Includes Discord rewards
Sous Chefs
$20 or more per month only 5 left
Meaning "Sub-chief", Sous Chefs really start to get involved in making Kitchen Catastrophes, as not only do they get to listen to the monthly calls, they can also contribute and discuss. 
Chef De Cuisine
$50 or more per month only 3 left
At this tier, the reward's easy: I cater to your whims. How? Once every 6 months, aka twice every year, you get to request a recipe for me to make a post about. (Or a food-related topic of your choice.)

All I ask is you keep your requests fairly reasonable/be accomodating of time. And I'll discuss your choice with you, so we can find something that works for both of us.

And of course, all previous rewards.
Goals
$78 of $100 per month
Technically Profiting

At this point, Jon will actually have money coming into his pocket every month. Real "Dinner at Red Robin" money. And that's not nothing. So of course, he'll spend it on what's really important: GADGETS.
At this tier, Jon will invest in a better microphone, to improve the Catastrophic Logs. The team will also look at recording software and devices, to improve the site with videos, including riffing on Cooking shows/Food-themed movies. 
2 of 4
Hello and Welcome to the Kitchen Catastrophes Patreon Page! I’m your author and Digital Tour-guide through the Modern version of the Medici’s Florence, Jon O’Guin. I’m sure you’ve got some questions, but I can’t hear them, because the bugs I placed in your house stopped working months ago. So, instead, I’ll answer some general ones, and hope I mostly hit the mark:

Who are you again?

Jon O’Guin. We literally just met. I’m the main content creator for Kitchen-Catastrophe.com, a blog devoted to helping people push the boundaries of their cooking curriculum by documenting my various attempts at various dishes, both successful and failures. We don’t think you should be scared of your kitchen. Unless it’s haunted. In which case your fears are perfectly reasonable.

A Wise Guy, Eh?

That feels more like a rhetorical question than a genuine one, but sure. Yeah, I am a wise guy. All the writers for the blog are mostly trained in theatre or comedy. We’re not experts. We’re not professional chefs. That’s part of the appeal. I started cooking for fun in High School, after I literally destroyed a bowl burning Easy Mac. EASY MAC. I swore “never again”, and started learning. We’ve had cakes collapse, lemon curds turn into citrus swamps, and had some actually pretty good meals.

So why am I here?

The site is run by myself and my partner Alan Vandegrift. We started it as a creative project after years of me writing up my culinary failings as Facebook notes, and he said “Shit, man, these are tight as SHIT. You GOTTA put that up on the WEB, where peeps can see.” (Paraphrased) And we did. And it did well. The site gets a couple hundred views a week, and people seem to like it.

But here’s the thing: it doesn’t make any money. See, we’re normal guys. I know I’m personally running Adblock at least 95% of the time I'm online. And ads don’t pay enough at the level of traffic we have without being SUPER intrusive. So we said “Screw it. No ads.” And we’re proud of that decision. But we’re not too proud to beg.

By supporting the site, you’ll be covering the costs of what we do, and supporting us to do more. Since I started writing, people have wanted a cookbook. Since I started the site, I've wanted to get the team together and make jokes over Julia and Julia or something for you guys. We can get these things done, together. And you can get the sweet taste of victory first.

So check out the reward tiers on the right, and the goals on the left, and if you see things you like, please feel free to contribute.

I want to give you my money, but I want you to beg a little more.


Aha, a little digital power trip? Sure thing!

So, the schedule for Kitchen Catastrophes is one post every Monday and Thursdays. That’s 8 posts a month that you can support for as little as $1 a month. That’s twelve cents a post. That’s the cheapest entertainment you can buy outside of outright stealing it. (Or, you know, supporting someone at $1 a month that posts 3 times a week, but hey, I asked first.)

Your contributions are scheduled once a month, every month, until you choose to discontinue supporting us. “Discontinue supporting us” is business speak for “Throw our ass out the door to save up for some Twizzlers.”

Right now, my partner and I have agreed, if the site isn’t making at least $30 a month by the end of the year, we’ll have to close the site. We just can’t afford to invest our time and resources for something the people don’t want.

Our site lives and dies by your magnanimity. And wouldn’t it be cool to be the kind of person who HAS magnanimity? That’s some “Duke of Orleans” level swagger.

So find it in your incredible, gracious, and I-hope-I’m-not-being-too-forward beautiful heart to keep us out of the poor house, and on the internet, telling jokes about Corn, where we belong.

Recent posts by Kitchen Catastrophes

Tiers
Just an Appetizer
$1 or more per month
You'll get access to all Patron-only content.
-If I can't decide between two recipes, you can vote for which you want.
-You'll get photos that I couldn't fit into each post (On average, I take about 4-5 more pictures than I end up using.)
-And you'll get thoughts and asides about upcoming posts and plans.

And, you'll get a bonus 'Classic Catastrophe' post!
Ringing the Dinner Bell
$3 or more per month
The big one here will be access to the Catastrophic Captain's Logs: Audio recordings of the posts, so you can take Kitchen Castastrophes where-ever you go.

Also everything in the $1 reward tier.
Garde Manger
$10 or more per month
Starting at this tier, you'll be acknowledged on the site under the tier of your support level. 

Garde Manger will also get to listen in on a monthly Skype call with myself and Alan, where we talk shop about the site, ad campaigns, and all the behind the scenes workings of the site.
Includes Discord rewards
Sous Chefs
$20 or more per month only 5 left
Meaning "Sub-chief", Sous Chefs really start to get involved in making Kitchen Catastrophes, as not only do they get to listen to the monthly calls, they can also contribute and discuss. 
Chef De Cuisine
$50 or more per month only 3 left
At this tier, the reward's easy: I cater to your whims. How? Once every 6 months, aka twice every year, you get to request a recipe for me to make a post about. (Or a food-related topic of your choice.)

All I ask is you keep your requests fairly reasonable/be accomodating of time. And I'll discuss your choice with you, so we can find something that works for both of us.

And of course, all previous rewards.