Buhrien Dootrembull is creating A Token Poor Friend For You
0

patrons

$0
per month
My guilt and embarrassment could be your gain! I semi-recently returned from a year of running away from my problems and (to nobody's surprise) have ended up in the same rut I was in before I left! I have little to no marketable skills, no experience, no job, and a mountain of debt, despite being a White male and having every possible advantage (save a trust fund). I currently live at home and have barely any income. I'm lookin' to turn these lemons into a Mike's Hard Lemonade, though, and you could be a vital part of my plan! In exchange for modest donations, I'll be your token, on-retainer poor friend, ingratiating you with whichever movers and shakers you'd like to have love and respect you.

Sure, you might have all the money you need and a respectable career, but do you have the kind of acknowledgement that comes with being friends with poor people (the mooching-off-their-parents kind, not the on-the-street kind), despite their poorness? Are you aware of how much people will talk about your generosity and kindness after meeting your friend, the unemployed theatre major? You don't know fulfillment until you've dropped your friend off at the unemployment office after bumpin' NPR the whole way there.

This is a great opportunity for both of us. You'll finally be the well rounded, dignity-rich adult you've always wanted to be and I'll be able to eat at Wendy's. Let's make this happen. Every friends circle worth its weight in friends needs a poor friend. I could be yours!
Tiers
Pledge $1 or more per month
1 patron
I'll comment on your Facebook wall and tell everyone that we are friends.
Pledge $2 or more per month
0 patrons
I'll comment on your Facebook wall and tell everyone that we are friends and that I am poor and majored in theatre. What good is having a poor friend if nobody knows about it?!
Pledge $5 or more per month
0 patrons
You'll get the $2 reward AND I'll tweet about how nice you are and how poor I am. I'll use a hashtag like #YourNameHereCares.
Pledge $10 or more per month
0 patrons
Once a month, we'll get coffee together and I'll talk very loudly about how poor I am and how much I appreciate you taking time out of your busy, non-poor life to hang out with me. (Note: you must provide transportation and buy my coffee.)
Pledge $25 or more per month
0 patrons
We will pose for a selfie each month. I will be doing a poor person thing while you look noble and compassionate.
Pledge $50 or more per month
0 patrons
For $50/month I'll 'accidentally' run into you when you're on a date and talk about how lovely it is to see you and about how well you're doing and about how well I'm not doing. I'll provide your date with an index card featuring a complete list of my debts and recent blunders. (Note: Date location must be within walking distance of my parents' house or you'll have to provide transportation.)
Pledge $100 or more per month
0 patrons
Once a month, I'll attend a party as your guest. I'll be underdressed and bring an opened box of Wheat Thins to share with everyone. I'll talk about how great it is living at home when you're over thirty years old and what a wonderful idea it was majoring in Playwriting. I'll be sure to tell everyone how nice of you it was to invite me to the party. When asked about what I do I'll blush and quickly change the subject. (Note: You must provide transportation. I will supply partial box of Wheat Thins.)
Pledge $150 or more per month
0 patrons
Each month, I'll show up at a location of your choosing and hit myself in the face with a pie so that you can then clean the pie off my face and tell me that I won't have to hit myself in the face with pies anymore so that everyone around can see that you are saving me from a life of hitting myself in the face with pies.
Pledge $250 or more per month
0 patrons
Each month, I'll write a song about how little money I have and how unlikely it is that I will ever have any money and how wonderful of an ally you are for your poor friends.
Pledge $500 or more per month
0 patrons
In addition to all of the lower-level rewards, I'll sleep on your couch for a week each month so that you can tell your guests that you're helping out a friend in a time of need or utilize me as a living prop in a presentation of a cautionary tale for your children/nieces/nephews. (Note: You must enough food to sustain me for the week.)
Goals
$0 of $1 per month
Sure, you want your poor friend to look emaciated, but a dude's still gotta eat once in a while. If I can get up to $1/month in total pledges I'll almost be able to do so!
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My guilt and embarrassment could be your gain! I semi-recently returned from a year of running away from my problems and (to nobody's surprise) have ended up in the same rut I was in before I left! I have little to no marketable skills, no experience, no job, and a mountain of debt, despite being a White male and having every possible advantage (save a trust fund). I currently live at home and have barely any income. I'm lookin' to turn these lemons into a Mike's Hard Lemonade, though, and you could be a vital part of my plan! In exchange for modest donations, I'll be your token, on-retainer poor friend, ingratiating you with whichever movers and shakers you'd like to have love and respect you.

Sure, you might have all the money you need and a respectable career, but do you have the kind of acknowledgement that comes with being friends with poor people (the mooching-off-their-parents kind, not the on-the-street kind), despite their poorness? Are you aware of how much people will talk about your generosity and kindness after meeting your friend, the unemployed theatre major? You don't know fulfillment until you've dropped your friend off at the unemployment office after bumpin' NPR the whole way there.

This is a great opportunity for both of us. You'll finally be the well rounded, dignity-rich adult you've always wanted to be and I'll be able to eat at Wendy's. Let's make this happen. Every friends circle worth its weight in friends needs a poor friend. I could be yours!

Recent posts by Buhrien Dootrembull

Tiers
Pledge $1 or more per month
1 patron
I'll comment on your Facebook wall and tell everyone that we are friends.
Pledge $2 or more per month
0 patrons
I'll comment on your Facebook wall and tell everyone that we are friends and that I am poor and majored in theatre. What good is having a poor friend if nobody knows about it?!
Pledge $5 or more per month
0 patrons
You'll get the $2 reward AND I'll tweet about how nice you are and how poor I am. I'll use a hashtag like #YourNameHereCares.
Pledge $10 or more per month
0 patrons
Once a month, we'll get coffee together and I'll talk very loudly about how poor I am and how much I appreciate you taking time out of your busy, non-poor life to hang out with me. (Note: you must provide transportation and buy my coffee.)
Pledge $25 or more per month
0 patrons
We will pose for a selfie each month. I will be doing a poor person thing while you look noble and compassionate.
Pledge $50 or more per month
0 patrons
For $50/month I'll 'accidentally' run into you when you're on a date and talk about how lovely it is to see you and about how well you're doing and about how well I'm not doing. I'll provide your date with an index card featuring a complete list of my debts and recent blunders. (Note: Date location must be within walking distance of my parents' house or you'll have to provide transportation.)
Pledge $100 or more per month
0 patrons
Once a month, I'll attend a party as your guest. I'll be underdressed and bring an opened box of Wheat Thins to share with everyone. I'll talk about how great it is living at home when you're over thirty years old and what a wonderful idea it was majoring in Playwriting. I'll be sure to tell everyone how nice of you it was to invite me to the party. When asked about what I do I'll blush and quickly change the subject. (Note: You must provide transportation. I will supply partial box of Wheat Thins.)
Pledge $150 or more per month
0 patrons
Each month, I'll show up at a location of your choosing and hit myself in the face with a pie so that you can then clean the pie off my face and tell me that I won't have to hit myself in the face with pies anymore so that everyone around can see that you are saving me from a life of hitting myself in the face with pies.
Pledge $250 or more per month
0 patrons
Each month, I'll write a song about how little money I have and how unlikely it is that I will ever have any money and how wonderful of an ally you are for your poor friends.
Pledge $500 or more per month
0 patrons
In addition to all of the lower-level rewards, I'll sleep on your couch for a week each month so that you can tell your guests that you're helping out a friend in a time of need or utilize me as a living prop in a presentation of a cautionary tale for your children/nieces/nephews. (Note: You must enough food to sustain me for the week.)