Matt Holland is creating Novels, short stories, and weird fiction
1

patron

$1
per month
Who am I?

I am Matt Holland, a writer. You can tell I'm a writer because I'm poor and I'll probably be drunk by the time you read this.

I'm best known for my Gallaetha novels on Amazon. The first of which, Hair of the Dog, has a solid 4.5 rating on Amazon and three stars on Goodreads. That's two stars short of five!

Hair of the Dog takes place on the world of Gallaetha, a world maybe two doors down from our own with a lot of the same technology. Unlike our world, Gallaetha has access to magic that has cured disease, hunger, and wiped out resource scarcity. It's a world that should be a paradise, but it's still full of humans, and humans are arseholes. As a result, they practice constant war and conflict both to thin out the population and make money for wealthy shareholders and corrupt politicians.

Familiar stuff, right? I said it was two doors down from our own.

My stories follow the adventures and struggles of the people trying to survive in this world. There's a wisecracking mercenary trying to do good despite getting paid for being evil; a disgraced soldier with a wicked hangover on the run for a murder he's almost positive he didn't commit; a ruthless businessman who will stop at nothing to cure himself of the last terminal disease on Gallaetha; and an ancient monster searching for a family that might never have existed in the first place.

If this sounds fun, check out the first book here.

You may have noticed that fluffy wordplay and flowery description aren't really interesting to me. My eyes glaze over when I read that stuff and writing it feels like trying on a pair of pants that don't fit. A pair of pants that have been pissed in.

What I'm saying is: it's not comfortable.

I like people, characters, conversation, stories, excitement, action, and cutting away just before a sex scene starts to save myself from embarrassment. I write the way I think, that is to say, simply. I try to write the way that people speak, in a way I hope seems natural to read.

Although I do occasionally like to toss a big word in there just to feel clever. Got to make that Creative Writing degree work for me somehow.

Why Patreon?

I've steered clear of crowdfunding for years. I can see the value of it. If you're making a video game, recording an album, or making a movie; crowdfunding can be a fantastic way of getting the equipment you need to get your dreams in motion without relying on a stifling and incestous creative industry.

But it never made sense for me. I'm a writer. I don't need fancy equipment or technical know-how. All I need is some notepads, pens, my laptop, and a copy of Scrivener. It seemed unfair of me to ask people for money for something I'd be doing anyway. And after all, I'd always prefer to live or die by the strength of my writing.

That's the trouble though, even the greatest writer in the world will fail if nobody can read their words. And I'm a long way off from being the greatest writer in the world. As far as talent goes, I'm probably somewhere towards the bottom; between a particularly well-read slug and the guy who wrote the Eye of Argon.

I'm not even sure who should be most insulted by that analogy.

I'm a self-published author and unfortunately, not many of us have made it big. However, I did look over the success stories of some of the few winners and I saw a lot of the same tropes cropping up.

"I quit my financial/medical/computer engineering/CEO/idle rich/golden goose farming career and started writing. Wouldn't you know it, after paying a professional editor, cover designer, buying a thousand dollars worth of advertising, and paying people to yell my book's name in the street, I became a New York Times bestseller!"

"I had enough of my day job so I quit to write full time. My wonderful wife/husband kept their career and supported me while I followed my dreams. Wouldn't you know it, after freeing up my day I was able to write full time. Nobody wanted my first novel, or my second, or my third. But with all day to write more, I eventually wrote a book everyone wanted to read. I'm now making a living from writing myself and it's my wife/husband's turn to quit their job!"

"I'm a marketing expert! I wrote a 50,000 word novel in an hour! This isn't even my first language! I just used my detailed marketing knowledge to get my book in front of as many eyes as possible and wouldn't you know it, eventually I found an audience. I just used these 6 mindblowing strategies, number 3 will shock you..."


I'm jealous of these people, I'm not going to deny it. But I don't begrudge them their success. If you can afford to buy your way into the bestseller list or you have all the time in the world to write, then more power to you. The world needs stories, as many as it can get. That includes yours.

Unfortunately these writers have gifts that I just don't have. I'm a one man show. I do my own editing, my own cover design, my own marketing. All of this has meant that I take time off from writing to learn skills that don't come naturally to me.

I'm just a blue collar guy whose day job barely covers his rent, bills, food, and the beer necessary to maintain the work/write cycle. I don't have wealth, or a partner who can afford to support me, and although I'm trying to learn marketing, it takes time -- time I'd much rather spend actually writing. In fact, I can't even spell wirds all taht gud.

But what I have is drive, passion, what they call sticktoitiveness. I start a project and I work and work and work until it's done. Even then I'm such a perfectionist that I'll probably spend months or years in editing until it's exactly right.

I think this is a good quality to have as a writer. You definitely need a touch of it even if you are one of those writers blessed with an inherited fortune or a supermodel spouse you can mooch off of. Without this drive, none of us would consider putting words down in the first place.

In my case, I've been writing while working full time for nearly a decade. In that time I've produced one novel that I'm happy with. I'm currently drowning in ideas for stories and books, more than I can ever write in one lifetime and with more coming by the day.

For those of you who don't know, writing a book takes a lot of time and energy. You need to write at least fifty thousand words (although all of my books go over that), then you need to read and re-read those words dozens of times, editing out the mistakes and making it look as professional as you can.

Even then some mistakes are going to slip through. One person can't catch everything after all. And by the gods do you catch flak for it when you make a mistake. Check out the comments on every article written about self-publishing if you don't believe me.

That doesn't even factor in the stuff you have to do outside of writing. I had to learn photoshop to make the covers from my books, which I made as the most wretched kind of amateur. I taught myself HTML to code the e-books myself. I'm learning Wordpress so I can make a website that looks kind of professional. I'm learning digitial marketing so that I can spread the word about my writing and try to connect it to the audience that I know is out there somewhere.

All of this means taking time out of writing, and being a writer is a lot like being a parent. You neglect your writing and it will die.

Plus, you deal with a lot of lost sleep and way more snot than I'm prepared to talk about in polite company.

After over a decade of doing this every day, I'm starting to burn out. My confidence is waning. The pace of my writing has slowed down. It's heartbreaking to experience, frankly. My entire life, all I've ever wanted to do was write. Nothing else has ever really interested me. And now I'm starting to lose passion for the one thing I love more than anything.

I'm thirty-one now. I'm worried that by the time I hit thirty-two I'll have given up completely. I don't think there's a thought that scares me more than that.

Not even that nightmare I had about the spider apocalypse.

I'm not asking for the cash to quit my day job, although that would be amazing. It's unfair on you, the person reading this. You probably have a day job too, rent and bills to pay, a family to support, a crippling gambling addiction (probably, this is the internet), and dreams of your own you wish you could quit your job to pursue.

Besides, it seems arrogant me to sit here and say "Help me quit my job!" on the strength of one novel you probably haven't even read.

All I'm asking for here, if you'd be good enough, is a bit of help competing with the big boys. With a little extra cash each month I could hire a professional cover artist to make my books look pretty, a professional editor to catch my many fuck-ups, advertising and marketing to help get the word out, actual printed copies of my books so that people who don't like e-readers can finally read my work.

I believe that even the worst book ever written has an audience out there that's hungry for it. I'm not saying my book is perfect, but it's a long way away from the worst. I think that there's an audience out there for it, and the rest of the writing I produce day by day.

Please help me to find and connect with these people, whoever they are.

What do you get out of the deal?

You get to help out a struggling artist.

Hahahahaha, no. Can you imagine if I meant that?

Here's the thing about me. I work hard. It's not even just a bullshit line I use to sound cool on my CV, I really mean it. If you're paying me for my time, I'm willing to go to the mattresses for you. I will scrap for you and work myself to exhaustion to prove that I'm worthy of your faith.

And that's what I'll do for you if you help me out.

This isn't a charity or a Kickstarter that promises the moon, the stars, and a Megaman re-release for your investment. This is a service. You kick in even a dollar a month and I'll give you something in return.

Check out the rewards on the right, there. I've written thousands of things I never publish, a dollar lets you see them. So you can judge me on how terrible my first drafts are.

Everyone loves those awful singers on the first round of the X-Factor, right? The ones who crash and burn and make utter tits of themselves. At worst, supporting me for a dollar gets you access to the literary version of that feeling of superiority you get when you see some no-hoper get their dreams crushed.

At best? You might see something really cool long before the rest of the world does. Imagine being the hipster who gets to say: "Oh, Matt Holland? *flips scarf* I read his Booker prize winning novel five years ago when it was cool *flips scarf again, adjusts frameless glasses and rides off on a vintage bicycle*"

Actually, best stick with the X-Factor analogy on that one.

Anything above a dollar gets you cooler stuff. From a copy of every book I produce in perpuity (or until this patreon crashes and burns) the chance to name a character or choose the direction of a story, signed books, acknowledgments in every book that I write, free promotion on Twitter. All that's even before you get to the higher tiers, where you can get me to write and edit stuff for you, stuff that you can take credit for if that's what you want.

And yes, every reward is concurrent month by month.

I've tried to make it so that every supporter gets something back from me and more. You're taking a risk on me and I promise to live up to it. Even if all you do is throw me a dollar a month, I will do everything I can do to earn that dollar with all the time and resources I have.

Take a look and decide if it's something you want to do.

Thank you so much for reading this. Even if you don't feel like kicking in, it's good to know that someone has at least read to this point and understands where I'm coming from.

I think ultimately that's what every writer wants, to be heard, and to be understood.

That and alcohol.
Tiers
Observe, Engage, Obliterate
$1 or more per month 1 patron
For a measly dollar, you'll get access to the behind the scenes area on Patreon. See hilarious fuck-ups! Laugh at my atrocious spelling! Experience the occasional diamond in the rough years before anyone else!
Welcome To Gallaetha
$5 or more per month 0 patrons
At this level I'll follow you on Twitter, like your page on Facebook, whatever. I'll even plug your stuff for you and retweet you if you're funny or interesting.

Plus for this tier you'll get digital copies of every ebook I self-publish in either EPUB, MOBI, or PDF format. Whichever works best for you. This includes any ebooks I have out right now.

You also get everything from the previous tier.
A Little Piece of Immortality
$10 or more per month 0 patrons
I'll put your name, or the name of your company in the acknowledgments of every book I produce, ebook or otherwise, for as long as this patreon runs (books published before 2016 not included)  


You'll also get everything that's included in the earlier tiers. 

If Your Guy Can Do The Job Then There's A Job For 'Em
$20 or more per month 0 patrons
For this level of support I will name characters after you. One character per month of support.

How this works is: you give me the name of a character and/or some basic background and I'll try to find a story that fits them. It could be a short story I stick on my website, it could be one of my novels, it could be something totally new.

This has to be within reason and fit the context of the story. I don't want to end up writing a bone serious story about miserable crap with a main character called Boobie Bumhead.

Although now that I mention it, that could work really well.

But essentially, you make up as much as you like about the character and I'll try to fit them in. If it doesn't work for me, you can get another go if you want. If I have to, I'll write something entirely original just for an excuse to get your character in there.

You also get everything included in the earlier tiers 

Gonnna Need Those Co-Ordinates
$50 or more per month 0 patrons
I've always planned to release physical copies of my books through a PoD service. Once I do that, I'll send everyone on this tier a signed physical copy of every book I've made from now until the Patreon stops or you stop contributing.

Not even just the self-published stuff, either. If I ever get myself published by a mainstream publisher, I'll make sure to send my author copies to my contributors long before they get to friends and family. I can probably send these to anywhere in the world. And for $50 a month? Dude, I'll courier it to you myself if I have to.

You also get everything from the earlier tiers.
The Client Gets Whatever The Client Wants
$75 or more per month 0 patrons
I will produce a story or piece of content exclusively for you every month you support me. As many separate pieces as you like up to 3,000 words. So one big 3,000 word piece or a bunch of little pieces that all add up to 3,000 words. Don't worry, I'll round up. I'm not going to stop a story mid sentence just because we reach the 3,000 word threshold. I'll try to find a natural cut off point.  

You'll be credited as the backer who requested it/co-creator. Or you can take my name entirely off the thing and take credit for it yourself. I always need more experience ghost writing!  I'll e-mail you every draft I produce and you can make whatever editorial decisions you like and I'll go back and keep working on it until you're satisfied. Frankly, if you're giving me this much money I'm going to war on your behalf. I won't rest until you're satisfied. A bit like how I normally make love. Except this time, you'll be happy!  There are a few caveats though:   
  • I won't write tweets for you. I've got nothing against tweeting, but at 140 characters a pop I'd never be able to produce enough to fill the word count. 
  • I won't write for The Sun newspaper for any amount of money. If you ever see a piece of my writing anywhere near that rag then it's because someone tricked me into it and I'll be returning their Patreon money in due course. I won't even ghost write for The Sun. I'd never be able to live myself afterwards. 
  • I won't write anything that features child abuse or rape. These are topics that I never touch in any of my writing. Not just because they are huge triggers for me, but because they're cliche at this point. They're what lazy, sadistic, or untalented writers use to increase tension when they lack the talent to think of something better. I'd rather write good characters in a solid plot than rely on cheat codes. 
  • I'm sexually non-typical myself, so I have an open mind for whatever any weird perversion you can name. I'm more than happy to write some erotica for you in whatever genre you like (I've ghostwritten plenty of strange things in my time) But I ultimately want to make a career out of writing. So it probably goes without saying that I need to protect my reputation. So while I'm happy to write erotica of almost any stripe, I reserve the right to turn down a writing request because it's too out there for me. I need to think about what I want my name attached to. But I'm always happy to negotiate and find a compromise! You are, after all, paying me good money.
  • I'm not going to do research for you. If you want me to write an essay for you, you're going to have to do the bulk of the background research yourself. You're not hiring a neurosurgery expert or a rocket scientist here, you're hiring a writer. Gimme some data and facts and I'll put them together in an entertaining way, but I'm not going to be bringing expert level knowledge to the table.  So no, I'm not going to write your college essays for you. Sorry.
  • I reserve the right to refuse any project that I think clashes with my personal values. If a project doesn't work for me, for any reason, I'll let you know and we can work on something else instead.

    You also get everything from the earlier tiers 
I'm Gonna Earn That Captainship
$1,000 or more per month 0 patrons
You're officially insane. How do you have $1000 just lying around to give to dickheads on the internet? Where do you live? Do you leave your house unlocked?

Just kidding. Honest.

Anyway; thank you, you weirdo. Gimme $1000 and you'll get everything from all the other tiers. Plus you'll get my writing and editing services on retainer. I will be available to write/edit anything you like for as long as this patreon runs (within reason) for a maximum of 12,000 words at a time.

Or maybe even more than that, fuck it. It's your money.

Obviously my own stuff has to take priority, but if you're crazy enough to pay me $1,000 a month then I'm going to be crazy enough to write whatever you tell me.

Unless you want to me to write for The Sun newspaper, obviously.

This also gets you everything from the earlier tiers too!
Goals
$1 of $500 per month
At $500 a month I'll be able to easily afford some pros to come in and smarten me up a bit. I'll get some fresh covers for Hair of the Dog, an editor to re-comb each story for mistakes, marketers and advertising to get my name out there. I'll be able to commision artwork and multi-media content. I may even be able to make this Patreon look pretty.
1 of 6
Who am I?

I am Matt Holland, a writer. You can tell I'm a writer because I'm poor and I'll probably be drunk by the time you read this.

I'm best known for my Gallaetha novels on Amazon. The first of which, Hair of the Dog, has a solid 4.5 rating on Amazon and three stars on Goodreads. That's two stars short of five!

Hair of the Dog takes place on the world of Gallaetha, a world maybe two doors down from our own with a lot of the same technology. Unlike our world, Gallaetha has access to magic that has cured disease, hunger, and wiped out resource scarcity. It's a world that should be a paradise, but it's still full of humans, and humans are arseholes. As a result, they practice constant war and conflict both to thin out the population and make money for wealthy shareholders and corrupt politicians.

Familiar stuff, right? I said it was two doors down from our own.

My stories follow the adventures and struggles of the people trying to survive in this world. There's a wisecracking mercenary trying to do good despite getting paid for being evil; a disgraced soldier with a wicked hangover on the run for a murder he's almost positive he didn't commit; a ruthless businessman who will stop at nothing to cure himself of the last terminal disease on Gallaetha; and an ancient monster searching for a family that might never have existed in the first place.

If this sounds fun, check out the first book here.

You may have noticed that fluffy wordplay and flowery description aren't really interesting to me. My eyes glaze over when I read that stuff and writing it feels like trying on a pair of pants that don't fit. A pair of pants that have been pissed in.

What I'm saying is: it's not comfortable.

I like people, characters, conversation, stories, excitement, action, and cutting away just before a sex scene starts to save myself from embarrassment. I write the way I think, that is to say, simply. I try to write the way that people speak, in a way I hope seems natural to read.

Although I do occasionally like to toss a big word in there just to feel clever. Got to make that Creative Writing degree work for me somehow.

Why Patreon?

I've steered clear of crowdfunding for years. I can see the value of it. If you're making a video game, recording an album, or making a movie; crowdfunding can be a fantastic way of getting the equipment you need to get your dreams in motion without relying on a stifling and incestous creative industry.

But it never made sense for me. I'm a writer. I don't need fancy equipment or technical know-how. All I need is some notepads, pens, my laptop, and a copy of Scrivener. It seemed unfair of me to ask people for money for something I'd be doing anyway. And after all, I'd always prefer to live or die by the strength of my writing.

That's the trouble though, even the greatest writer in the world will fail if nobody can read their words. And I'm a long way off from being the greatest writer in the world. As far as talent goes, I'm probably somewhere towards the bottom; between a particularly well-read slug and the guy who wrote the Eye of Argon.

I'm not even sure who should be most insulted by that analogy.

I'm a self-published author and unfortunately, not many of us have made it big. However, I did look over the success stories of some of the few winners and I saw a lot of the same tropes cropping up.

"I quit my financial/medical/computer engineering/CEO/idle rich/golden goose farming career and started writing. Wouldn't you know it, after paying a professional editor, cover designer, buying a thousand dollars worth of advertising, and paying people to yell my book's name in the street, I became a New York Times bestseller!"

"I had enough of my day job so I quit to write full time. My wonderful wife/husband kept their career and supported me while I followed my dreams. Wouldn't you know it, after freeing up my day I was able to write full time. Nobody wanted my first novel, or my second, or my third. But with all day to write more, I eventually wrote a book everyone wanted to read. I'm now making a living from writing myself and it's my wife/husband's turn to quit their job!"

"I'm a marketing expert! I wrote a 50,000 word novel in an hour! This isn't even my first language! I just used my detailed marketing knowledge to get my book in front of as many eyes as possible and wouldn't you know it, eventually I found an audience. I just used these 6 mindblowing strategies, number 3 will shock you..."


I'm jealous of these people, I'm not going to deny it. But I don't begrudge them their success. If you can afford to buy your way into the bestseller list or you have all the time in the world to write, then more power to you. The world needs stories, as many as it can get. That includes yours.

Unfortunately these writers have gifts that I just don't have. I'm a one man show. I do my own editing, my own cover design, my own marketing. All of this has meant that I take time off from writing to learn skills that don't come naturally to me.

I'm just a blue collar guy whose day job barely covers his rent, bills, food, and the beer necessary to maintain the work/write cycle. I don't have wealth, or a partner who can afford to support me, and although I'm trying to learn marketing, it takes time -- time I'd much rather spend actually writing. In fact, I can't even spell wirds all taht gud.

But what I have is drive, passion, what they call sticktoitiveness. I start a project and I work and work and work until it's done. Even then I'm such a perfectionist that I'll probably spend months or years in editing until it's exactly right.

I think this is a good quality to have as a writer. You definitely need a touch of it even if you are one of those writers blessed with an inherited fortune or a supermodel spouse you can mooch off of. Without this drive, none of us would consider putting words down in the first place.

In my case, I've been writing while working full time for nearly a decade. In that time I've produced one novel that I'm happy with. I'm currently drowning in ideas for stories and books, more than I can ever write in one lifetime and with more coming by the day.

For those of you who don't know, writing a book takes a lot of time and energy. You need to write at least fifty thousand words (although all of my books go over that), then you need to read and re-read those words dozens of times, editing out the mistakes and making it look as professional as you can.

Even then some mistakes are going to slip through. One person can't catch everything after all. And by the gods do you catch flak for it when you make a mistake. Check out the comments on every article written about self-publishing if you don't believe me.

That doesn't even factor in the stuff you have to do outside of writing. I had to learn photoshop to make the covers from my books, which I made as the most wretched kind of amateur. I taught myself HTML to code the e-books myself. I'm learning Wordpress so I can make a website that looks kind of professional. I'm learning digitial marketing so that I can spread the word about my writing and try to connect it to the audience that I know is out there somewhere.

All of this means taking time out of writing, and being a writer is a lot like being a parent. You neglect your writing and it will die.

Plus, you deal with a lot of lost sleep and way more snot than I'm prepared to talk about in polite company.

After over a decade of doing this every day, I'm starting to burn out. My confidence is waning. The pace of my writing has slowed down. It's heartbreaking to experience, frankly. My entire life, all I've ever wanted to do was write. Nothing else has ever really interested me. And now I'm starting to lose passion for the one thing I love more than anything.

I'm thirty-one now. I'm worried that by the time I hit thirty-two I'll have given up completely. I don't think there's a thought that scares me more than that.

Not even that nightmare I had about the spider apocalypse.

I'm not asking for the cash to quit my day job, although that would be amazing. It's unfair on you, the person reading this. You probably have a day job too, rent and bills to pay, a family to support, a crippling gambling addiction (probably, this is the internet), and dreams of your own you wish you could quit your job to pursue.

Besides, it seems arrogant me to sit here and say "Help me quit my job!" on the strength of one novel you probably haven't even read.

All I'm asking for here, if you'd be good enough, is a bit of help competing with the big boys. With a little extra cash each month I could hire a professional cover artist to make my books look pretty, a professional editor to catch my many fuck-ups, advertising and marketing to help get the word out, actual printed copies of my books so that people who don't like e-readers can finally read my work.

I believe that even the worst book ever written has an audience out there that's hungry for it. I'm not saying my book is perfect, but it's a long way away from the worst. I think that there's an audience out there for it, and the rest of the writing I produce day by day.

Please help me to find and connect with these people, whoever they are.

What do you get out of the deal?

You get to help out a struggling artist.

Hahahahaha, no. Can you imagine if I meant that?

Here's the thing about me. I work hard. It's not even just a bullshit line I use to sound cool on my CV, I really mean it. If you're paying me for my time, I'm willing to go to the mattresses for you. I will scrap for you and work myself to exhaustion to prove that I'm worthy of your faith.

And that's what I'll do for you if you help me out.

This isn't a charity or a Kickstarter that promises the moon, the stars, and a Megaman re-release for your investment. This is a service. You kick in even a dollar a month and I'll give you something in return.

Check out the rewards on the right, there. I've written thousands of things I never publish, a dollar lets you see them. So you can judge me on how terrible my first drafts are.

Everyone loves those awful singers on the first round of the X-Factor, right? The ones who crash and burn and make utter tits of themselves. At worst, supporting me for a dollar gets you access to the literary version of that feeling of superiority you get when you see some no-hoper get their dreams crushed.

At best? You might see something really cool long before the rest of the world does. Imagine being the hipster who gets to say: "Oh, Matt Holland? *flips scarf* I read his Booker prize winning novel five years ago when it was cool *flips scarf again, adjusts frameless glasses and rides off on a vintage bicycle*"

Actually, best stick with the X-Factor analogy on that one.

Anything above a dollar gets you cooler stuff. From a copy of every book I produce in perpuity (or until this patreon crashes and burns) the chance to name a character or choose the direction of a story, signed books, acknowledgments in every book that I write, free promotion on Twitter. All that's even before you get to the higher tiers, where you can get me to write and edit stuff for you, stuff that you can take credit for if that's what you want.

And yes, every reward is concurrent month by month.

I've tried to make it so that every supporter gets something back from me and more. You're taking a risk on me and I promise to live up to it. Even if all you do is throw me a dollar a month, I will do everything I can do to earn that dollar with all the time and resources I have.

Take a look and decide if it's something you want to do.

Thank you so much for reading this. Even if you don't feel like kicking in, it's good to know that someone has at least read to this point and understands where I'm coming from.

I think ultimately that's what every writer wants, to be heard, and to be understood.

That and alcohol.

Recent posts by Matt Holland

Tiers
Observe, Engage, Obliterate
$1 or more per month 1 patron
For a measly dollar, you'll get access to the behind the scenes area on Patreon. See hilarious fuck-ups! Laugh at my atrocious spelling! Experience the occasional diamond in the rough years before anyone else!
Welcome To Gallaetha
$5 or more per month 0 patrons
At this level I'll follow you on Twitter, like your page on Facebook, whatever. I'll even plug your stuff for you and retweet you if you're funny or interesting.

Plus for this tier you'll get digital copies of every ebook I self-publish in either EPUB, MOBI, or PDF format. Whichever works best for you. This includes any ebooks I have out right now.

You also get everything from the previous tier.
A Little Piece of Immortality
$10 or more per month 0 patrons
I'll put your name, or the name of your company in the acknowledgments of every book I produce, ebook or otherwise, for as long as this patreon runs (books published before 2016 not included)  


You'll also get everything that's included in the earlier tiers. 

If Your Guy Can Do The Job Then There's A Job For 'Em
$20 or more per month 0 patrons
For this level of support I will name characters after you. One character per month of support.

How this works is: you give me the name of a character and/or some basic background and I'll try to find a story that fits them. It could be a short story I stick on my website, it could be one of my novels, it could be something totally new.

This has to be within reason and fit the context of the story. I don't want to end up writing a bone serious story about miserable crap with a main character called Boobie Bumhead.

Although now that I mention it, that could work really well.

But essentially, you make up as much as you like about the character and I'll try to fit them in. If it doesn't work for me, you can get another go if you want. If I have to, I'll write something entirely original just for an excuse to get your character in there.

You also get everything included in the earlier tiers 

Gonnna Need Those Co-Ordinates
$50 or more per month 0 patrons
I've always planned to release physical copies of my books through a PoD service. Once I do that, I'll send everyone on this tier a signed physical copy of every book I've made from now until the Patreon stops or you stop contributing.

Not even just the self-published stuff, either. If I ever get myself published by a mainstream publisher, I'll make sure to send my author copies to my contributors long before they get to friends and family. I can probably send these to anywhere in the world. And for $50 a month? Dude, I'll courier it to you myself if I have to.

You also get everything from the earlier tiers.
The Client Gets Whatever The Client Wants
$75 or more per month 0 patrons
I will produce a story or piece of content exclusively for you every month you support me. As many separate pieces as you like up to 3,000 words. So one big 3,000 word piece or a bunch of little pieces that all add up to 3,000 words. Don't worry, I'll round up. I'm not going to stop a story mid sentence just because we reach the 3,000 word threshold. I'll try to find a natural cut off point.  

You'll be credited as the backer who requested it/co-creator. Or you can take my name entirely off the thing and take credit for it yourself. I always need more experience ghost writing!  I'll e-mail you every draft I produce and you can make whatever editorial decisions you like and I'll go back and keep working on it until you're satisfied. Frankly, if you're giving me this much money I'm going to war on your behalf. I won't rest until you're satisfied. A bit like how I normally make love. Except this time, you'll be happy!  There are a few caveats though:   
  • I won't write tweets for you. I've got nothing against tweeting, but at 140 characters a pop I'd never be able to produce enough to fill the word count. 
  • I won't write for The Sun newspaper for any amount of money. If you ever see a piece of my writing anywhere near that rag then it's because someone tricked me into it and I'll be returning their Patreon money in due course. I won't even ghost write for The Sun. I'd never be able to live myself afterwards. 
  • I won't write anything that features child abuse or rape. These are topics that I never touch in any of my writing. Not just because they are huge triggers for me, but because they're cliche at this point. They're what lazy, sadistic, or untalented writers use to increase tension when they lack the talent to think of something better. I'd rather write good characters in a solid plot than rely on cheat codes. 
  • I'm sexually non-typical myself, so I have an open mind for whatever any weird perversion you can name. I'm more than happy to write some erotica for you in whatever genre you like (I've ghostwritten plenty of strange things in my time) But I ultimately want to make a career out of writing. So it probably goes without saying that I need to protect my reputation. So while I'm happy to write erotica of almost any stripe, I reserve the right to turn down a writing request because it's too out there for me. I need to think about what I want my name attached to. But I'm always happy to negotiate and find a compromise! You are, after all, paying me good money.
  • I'm not going to do research for you. If you want me to write an essay for you, you're going to have to do the bulk of the background research yourself. You're not hiring a neurosurgery expert or a rocket scientist here, you're hiring a writer. Gimme some data and facts and I'll put them together in an entertaining way, but I'm not going to be bringing expert level knowledge to the table.  So no, I'm not going to write your college essays for you. Sorry.
  • I reserve the right to refuse any project that I think clashes with my personal values. If a project doesn't work for me, for any reason, I'll let you know and we can work on something else instead.

    You also get everything from the earlier tiers 
I'm Gonna Earn That Captainship
$1,000 or more per month 0 patrons
You're officially insane. How do you have $1000 just lying around to give to dickheads on the internet? Where do you live? Do you leave your house unlocked?

Just kidding. Honest.

Anyway; thank you, you weirdo. Gimme $1000 and you'll get everything from all the other tiers. Plus you'll get my writing and editing services on retainer. I will be available to write/edit anything you like for as long as this patreon runs (within reason) for a maximum of 12,000 words at a time.

Or maybe even more than that, fuck it. It's your money.

Obviously my own stuff has to take priority, but if you're crazy enough to pay me $1,000 a month then I'm going to be crazy enough to write whatever you tell me.

Unless you want to me to write for The Sun newspaper, obviously.

This also gets you everything from the earlier tiers too!