I go blah blah blah, and they go ha ha ha, repeat...

You're the dude.*

You can watch a special patron only video each month. Might be me talking to my daughter about dragons, might be me and another comedian talking about comedy, might be some bit of stand up that I decided not to share more publicly for some reason or another.

*I use dude as a non gender specific term. If you'd prefer to be the something else, this can definitely be accommodated.

You’re The Boss.

Who’s the boss? You are. And also the video.

You’re (whatever you’re name is) The Grey.

And if I see you in public you can introduce yourself as (whatever your name is) The Grey, and I’ll refer to you as that hence forth.

And the video, also.

You’re (whatever you’re name is) The White*

And the video.

And I love you. (I only like those other guys. The $1 people I really just tolerate)

*Chill, okay. It’s a LoTR reference. You know, Gandolf The White. It’s not a race thing. Okay, I’m sorry. No, you're right. There are some fairly racist undertones to the LoTR books. My bad.

You’re The Mother F***er!

And as such, you’re entitled to the monthly video, and I’ll not only love you, I’ll fear you. Like, if I see you in public I’ll be all, “Damn! Watch out for this mother f***er right here! He or she is not to be f***ed with.”

Oh, and you can pick any one of my four comedy specials and I’ll send it to you. (Could you pitch an extra $5 for postage outside of the US? Please, sir or ma'am?)

And if you see me eating a burrito, you can have half. Just prove to me that you are a patron at this level and we’ll split that burrito. I eat Taco Bell once in awhile, when I’m on the road, but mostly I have really good taste in Mexican food. I’m talking about some tasty burritos.

You’re The Real Mother F***er.That’s just between us ‘kay?

And all that other stuff too, but you can have all four of my specials mailed to you. That's 2 CDs, a DVD, and a CD/DVD compo pack. (Might have to hit you up for that extra $5 outside of the US).

If you see me eating a burrito, it’s yours. Just be all, “Hey man, $50, check it out. And I’ll hand you the burrito out of my hands. But listen, a falafel is a falafel. A falafel is not a burrito, even in SF where they wrap ‘em like one. Don’t try to get up on my falafel, that ain’t cool.

I’ll suck yer d!ck.

All that other stuff, and I’ll suck yer d!ck, or whatever you got.

I have been informed that I can’t legally offer that, but you can tell people that I did and I won’t deny it, unless I’m under oath or my marriage is at stake, but other wise I’ll be all “What? Yeah, I totally sucked his or her d!ck. It was great. Oh yeah, really good. You've never tried it? You should try it. It’s cherry flavored.”

Also, I’ll Skype or do Google hangouts with you and whoever is around you for 15 minutes or so if you want.

Nuh uh! For real? That’s crazy. 500 bones?

Um, you can have all that other stuff and my undying gratitude.

And if you come to a show I’ll meet ya and greet ya and have a pic with you and all that stuff.

And if you see me eating a burrito, I’ll just buy you one too and we can eat burritos together. I eat a lot of burritos. If you follow me around you could get almost your moneys worth just in burritos.

I’ll do a show in your house.

You pay for airfare or wait until I’m performing within an hour or two driving distance, and I’ll do a comedy show at your house for you and your friends. Hopefully a good number of friends because just you and that one guy would be weird, but whatever, I’ll do it. You can even open for me, or hell I’ll open for you, I mean, what I’m I gonna do? It’s not like I can control what you do in your living room after I’m done, so yeah, tell a few knock, knock jokes when I'm done and then I opened for you and you're a big fancy headliner, probably a stuck up jerk like most headliners too. Oh, you're real nice in the green room but will you pass my name on? Will you mention to ANYONE in the industry that you could barely follow me Mr. Headliner? Will ya? Or will you leave me to scrape by, having to beg for money on the internet while you go to your big fancy comedy festivals, probably telling my jokes, ya freakin' hack. You think I don't know you stole that closer from Louis CK? Yeah, I do know. 

Anyway, it'll be cool.

Oh shut up and kiss me.

Not really. Did you know that at the legal brothels in Nevada kissing isn’t allowed? Its not a good idea to go around kissing people, comedians especially. But how about a hug, or a good hardy handshake. I’m totally down for a high five.

For this money, I will dress up as Gandolf The Burrito and write jokes in that character and perform a 5 minute routine, and then share it with everyone and name you personally as the person who made it possible.

And the show at your house, and burrito privileges and all the rest, and you can even have my falafel. I'll just hand it to you. 

$5,000, sheesh. Stupid 1%er doesn't know what the hell to even do with all that damn money. Sh!t.