08/05/2018
 
I’m in a comfortable bed with a cat asleep on my feet and nothing to wake up for early tomorrow. Things don’t feel at all terrible right now, which is a relief and a blessing. I feel like the sky just broke open after a storm (amongst other corny analogies). It was my first day back at work after last week & I was dreading it. My work involves energy and quick-thinking and being On at all times. Kids know when things aren’t right and I was sure they’d pick up on my sadness and tug on a thread and I’d come apart. Didn’t happen. They tugged on threads, sure. They asked a million questions about things that I desperately didn’t way to talk about. I smiled and got through it. I carried school bags and got excited about sports day and school prizes and sleepovers. I managed. And then I sat and drank a lot of water and watched some mindless but entertaining TV. I didn’t cry or reason with anything. I sat with my situation and let myself be distracted. The last few days have been a chaos of feeling fine one minute and then trembling with anxiety the next, so I’ll let this last as long as it does and I’ll try not to be too worried if I dip back into a bad place. No feeling is final and all learning looks like chaos at first. I didn’t make those up, but I think them a lot.

I started out the day just wanting it to be over. Now it is over I’m proud of myself. I really can provide emotionally for myself, and I’m far more self-sufficient than I’m given credit for. The work has to be done and I’m a way off from arriving at any real benchmark besides “I can survive an emotional crisis without self-destructing” but even just that feels pretty great right now. Tomorrow I have some time to myself to catch up with work and finishing off last month’s Patreon postcards, and I might try to push myself to go out and be in the world for a while- even just as an observer.

Anxiety has absolutely ruled my life this year and cost me a great deal more than I‘ve realised. There are limits on my life and that’s made me a fearful and difficult person to love and be around. Not that I’ve been awful or unkind- I’m a cool chill angelic ANGEL. But my anxiety definitely manifests in that really tense and shut-off way that doesn’t let any real light or reason in and makes the people that are just trying to help feel frustrated and shut out. So it’s time I got the proper help I need. It’s time I admitted that moving to London was huge for me. Doing this job has been hard. Having a long distance relationship again was really tricky. And I need help to manage the fall out. I’ve not provided myself with any extra mental-health support in light of any of those things. It’s time to get the support and build myself a structure that doesn’t bow and break under the slightest pressure.

Goodnight friends.