My goal with the channel has been to little by little make stuff that is cool for lgbt, women and minority folks like me to watch: that is to say, without the misogyny, racism, homophobia and transphobia that has been so unfortunately common to the average gamer channel on youtube.
Lately I’ve been thinking a lot about my comfort as a person: for the past few years, I feel like I’ve been working two jobs and I’ve never had any respite from “content creating,” whether it be my writing or the podcast or videos. Because I ask for money to support my work, I always feel like I must be working all the time and if I don't, then I've failed. I’m always making myself work on something. I don’t think that can change, because the kind of person I am is just always busying myself, but what I want to do is to start working smarter and doing things that are less challenging for me so I can do them more regularly and be happier with them.
One thing I said about the channel is that it is a place where I put up videos that are “authentic” to my game experiences. However, I feel like I moved away from that mission statement over time. I started trying to chase after things other people did, like long running playthroughs of games and trying to do “weekly” series and stuff like that. I’m not proud to say that a lot of those projects became hard to sustain and fell through, because I’m just not the kind of person who plays one game very persistently until I’m a master at it, and I’m not the kind of person whose creative attention can be sustained across a 40-something video lets play posted across many months: especially when I demanded a level of technical play for myself that I just wasn’t able to execute on camera a lot.
Ultimately, doing stuff that way was artificial and made me depressed and tired. I want to think about what kind of videos I can make that are actually more authentic to how I play games, what my curiosities and fixations are, and what would be fun and varied enough to hold my interest and attention and keep me feeling energized to do more, instead of viewing it as a chore I take care of once a week. I’ve got a few ideas I’m exploring, so I’ll keep you guys posted.
That’s not to say I’m going to stop playing the games I’ve been playing on the channel. I’m hoping to play more Magic and maybe even finish Valkyria Chronicles. I just really need a break from them sometimes: which is to say, for the sake of not burning out, I need some time where I can say “i am not playing Valkyria Chronicles for a few weeks because losing this video footage has made me very mad.” It’s not conducive to youtube success, perhaps, but I’ve come to view the channel as an extension of the podcast. I hope they can crosspollinate.
On that note a new thing I’m going to try is crossposting podcasts. Podcasts will (hopefully) start crossposting to the youtube channel now automatically thanks to podbean’s social sharing features, so if you don’t use podbean or itunes to listen to stuff, you can check us out there! There won’t be anything too special in the video for those, but the audio will be there and I know a lot of people who put on stuff on youtube while doing something else, who will appreciate that.
Right now my biggest obstacle to making more videos is how hard it is to upload them. I basically can’t use my internet for anything but uploading for almost an entire day to get a single 40 minute video up. Obviously shorter videos upload faster than that, but not by much. I hope that within the next year I can move to a place with much better internet. Until then though, the channel will continue to update about as much as it does now with about the same things as usual.
Thanks to everyone who has supported us, liked and shared our videos and donated to the Patreon. You all make all of this possible. See you all later!