May 3, 2018
 
1. It is the bowel pain that wakes me up. It’s been ages since it last happened. I try wiggling my toes because somehow this usually helps to manage the pain.

2. It doesn’t help. I make my way to the bathroom.

3. I don’t know where I am. My head is full of a rushing noise. Like the ocean. I am panicking. I cannot form my thoughts quickly enough. I have something cold and hard pressing against my head. Then I realize I am on the bathroom floor. I passed out.

4. I call his name and he comes in to find me on the floor. There are towels there. I think I pulled them down to cushion my fall. I am shaking and crying. I think it’s partly shock. And also relief, because I know I am safe.

5. Back to bed.

6. I contact my clients and make my apologies. I drink the chai he brings in and try to shake off the anxiety.

7. “There can be no love without justice”. Thank you, bell hooks.

8. We were supposed to go shopping for him this morning. Now he is sending photos of himself in different outfits and texting me the pictures.

9. My knee feels tender from the fall. I think it will bruise.

10. He heads off to the event he is shooting. It’s so hot. Like we’re already in July.

11. It is almost 10pm when I notice that I also bashed my arm when I fainted.

12. I have been in bed all day.