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One beautiful morning, I did rummage behind a mouldy, old couch
I was trying to fix it because a broken leg had caused it to slouch
My hard work was rewarded with a handful of pistachio shucks
A spider web, buttons, and oh my god! Twenty-two bucks! 

For twenty-two bucks, I can buy a big, intellectual book
Look super smart, and not at all like a brain dead schnook!
But my faculties, they already tower, proud and erect
So I don't need it really, whatever the page I decide to select! 

For twenty-two bucks, I can rent a suit, get me a swig of brandy
And stroll around in white gloves, even moonwalk like a dandy
But I don't need fine things to dangle from my birthday suit
I'm already an Adonis! Yo! Get a load of these manly glutes! 

For twenty-two bucks, I can treat some chick to a beer
While looking upon and appreciating her juicy rear!
But I shall not touch because I'm not a desperate perv
And besides, my velvety fondle is more than she deserves! 

For twenty-two bucks, I can invest in properties and ice cream shares
For twenty-two bucks, I can pay for hookers wearing chocolate eclairs
For twenty-two bucks, I can procure a unicorn's glittery colon
For twenty-two bucks...