Hurt and Depravity in my Childhood Bedroom

I just worked out in the middle of the night.
I couldn't sleep.
And I don't have anything else that anesthetize me so...why not? 
I learned recently that I'm a "sensation-seeker," and I'm trying to be more true to nature. 
And what's a sensation seeker? 
According to the shrink I saw on TV in the lobby of the car wash, there's two types of people. 
(And isn't there always two if you're stupid enough to work in dichotomies?)
There's "sensation seekers," and there's "sensation avoiders."
Keep in mind, I learned this from a PSYCHOLOGIST on TELEVISION whilst sitting in a LAWN CHAIR inside a CAR WASH. I put emphasis on the words that give me pause.  (shame "I" was already capitalized...)
Anyway, he said: "sensation seekers learn early in life that going after stimulus makes their brain excited." These are the folks, apparently, who climb mountains and scrap and do drugs - they love dopamine. 
Sensation avoiders, naturally, are the ones whose behavior is much more influenced by their self-preservation instinct. We'll be kind and not call it fear. 
I found myself at that particular car wash on that particular day with the goal of having the negative energy cleaned out of my Toyota after every decision I ever made led me to taking the fall for five pounds of someone else's pot.
I broke down my situation to the tatted-up attendant in charge of the vacuum wand. I insisted he had to put his good intentions into detailing my car.
"You're doing Energy Work, boss," I said. "You must understand...there's horrific juju swirling all around the floorboards and I can't have you missing it."
He nodded, clearly impressed by how such a small man could have such a large stack of felonies. 
Needless to say I've been a sensation seeker long before the TV man made me aware of my condition.
I close my eyes and feel all the sensations I now regret craving. It haunts me. 
I have to be a "sensation seeker." I'm a drug-addled martial artist with a penchant for trouble. I'm textbook. 
Except... I came to this page with the goal of writing an article about how S and I are taking a break again and I'm afraid that I'm poison inside because I've never seen a healthy relationship play out and now I'm doomed to be whichever parent of mine is less functional (hard to tell) and I'm scared. 
It was going to be called, "I wouldn't know a healthy relationship if it slapped me in the face while I was cumming." 
But somehow I avoided writing that article. 
And that's the problem with dichotomies. 
--
CAT
Here's the definition of dichotomy. Not everyone gets gifted a college education like your boy, and it's ok not to know things. I look up words every day. I'm only giving you this one because I bet you didn't expect it to be so important and then boom there it is again at the end of the article! Bam! Anyway it's like when something is presented as being one thing, or the other. Let's hear from Google:
di·chot·o·my/dīˈkädəmē/noun

  • a division or contrast between two things that are or are represented as being opposed or entirely different.  "a rigid dichotomy between science and mysticism"

(hmm that's suspect cuz science is magic!) here's another one:
A dichotomy is a partition of a whole into two parts. In other words, this couple of parts must be jointly exhaustive: everything must belong to one part or the other, and mutually exclusive: nothing can belong simultaneously to both parts. Such a partition is also frequently called a bipartition.
in other news -
Grandpa lived through his surgery btw! Should be home soon.
My court date is 2/6/19. Seeing the lawyer with my father was excruciating, as you might imagine. It could be it's own separate article. If I wasn't so consumed with interpersonal interaction yesterday I would have written it. 
un/fortunately, I should be pretty solitary for a while. 
-cat

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