I’m combing through things I’ve written but never published and came across this excerpt. I wrote it about a month ago, and reading it back, I seem to have cultivated some wisdom around it since I wrote it - and much of the blockages have vanished! I no longer find it “much” easier to give than receive – and I no longer believe that there’s an inherent “goodness” in accomplishing things on my own at all. I think I used to think someone was keeping score somewhere…
4/2015: “I find it much easier to give than receive. I have a deeply held belief that there’s an inherent “goodness” in accomplishing something on my own, and this belief often runs me when I’m not paying attention. I’m aware of it, and aware that I no longer actually believe it, but I believed it for so long much of the way I understand the world is attached to it. My want for a fairy godmother to waive her magic wand and fix everything is tied up in this. I believed that I didn’t have to ask for help from a fairy godmother, that if I were a “legitimate victim” long enough then she would notice me and come and rescue me. In order to give up being a victim of my circumstances and get healthy, I had to confront this belief. It’s been a complicated one to fully untangle though, and I keep seeing where it blocks the flow of things.
I see now where I’ve blocked the flow of energy to me over the years. There were times I thought I was unworthy and rejected direct nourishment from others, and there were times I wanted to do it alone for the glory of overcoming my impossible odds. I see now that those beliefs stop the flow and increase the static of disharmony. There were a couple of years that static was so loud I wanted wine and the TV on constantly to make me numb to it. Those were the days when I thought the only being that loved me unconditionally was my cat.
I’m grateful to have handled that before she died.
I want to unblock everything I still have blocked that makes it hard to accept the flow of abundance back through me. I used to blame others for not helping me, and I used to feel like I had to do it all alone. I see now how so many people tried over the years to help me, and I didn’t accept it freely because I was judging the strength of their magic wands - not their openness to the flow of the universe.”
5/7/15: Reading things I’ve written sometimes filled me with shame about how dumb past-me was. I was dumb – but I remind myself now that I can’t know something until I know it, and there is no shame in that! It helps…
I see now that it’s only my experience of my connection to the universe that has ever been blocked. I thought the lack of connection was real. There was actually a time where I could only experience unconditional love from my cat, Trouble. The photo was taken on one of those days – March 26, 2007. I was miserable and sick that day, and she didn’t care, she still purred just as loudly when I pet her – spending the day snuggled in my lap. She was good at accepting love and affection.
I see now that I blocked my energy and kept away from everyone else so that my low vibes wouldn’t bleed all over them, and then I blamed the world for not connecting to me. (I also didn’t understand the term “projection” when we talked about it as an ego defense in school...)
I lived my life as a fly in a jar with a real enough seeming lid – but I never really tried to escape it to connect to the rest of the world.
I just didn’t know.
The lid doesn’t feel real anymore though. I can fly a lot more freely.