Restroom controversy delays construction of Safe Space for students who self-identify as extraterrestrial creatures

Construction to resume once blue ribbon, blue haired panel of Gender Studies professors defines proper gender classifications for extraterrestrials 

by Fred Engel

ALBUQUERQUE, NW - The construction of the safe space for extraterrestrial students has been halted due to gender classification confusion. The Gender Studies professors must determine the amount of restrooms needed based on which genders are present. “Our extraterrestrial students experience daily discrimination. We must ensure that their safe space is truly safe,” stated the department’s dean. Ze, the dean’s chosen pronoun, explains how feeling safe in restrooms or changing areas is of great importance. Ze claims the college has many alien students who identify as female, male, asexual, polysexual, as well as those who do not acknowledge gender classification at all. 

To aid in this, the department is relying on recommendations from the Committee for Understanding Friends from Other Realms (CUFOR), which is dedicated to providing safe spaces for this under represented demographic. CUFOR claims that for young people who have learned to accept their alien identity, having to associate with human only believers creates internal distress which prohibits them from actively participating in university life. These students may feel inhibited changing in front of humans as they may have alien body parts. The stares they perceive when exposing these parts in public are incredibly distressing—whether or not the perceived body part is actually visible to the outside world. Also, they need space to freely express the gender to which they identify and not be exposed to alternate genders. Since each extraterrestrial gender’s bodily elimination noises are different, it is greatly embarrassing to perform the function in the vicinity of other genders.

The Gender Studies department has formed a task force to decide how many restrooms/changing spaces must be included and how those areas should be labeled. They are creating a survey and forming focus groups to determine these needs and to make certain that no extraterrestrial will ever be offended. 



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