“We know the phrase ‘May I help you carry that,’ when uttered by a white male, actually means ‘You have no agency, power or privilege to carry that by yourself’ brilliantly explains the Professor in her course summary
by Moe Zedong
FORT MEADE, MD- In an exclusive look at the latest initiatives being taken by the NSA, Professor of Postmodernism and Chair of Metaphorical Realism from the University of Maryland, Susan Claverbals, has spent the past two days teaching the Agency’s best and brightest about "reading between the meta-lines."
“Gone are the days when dropping a bomb meant delivering big news, turning on some fat beats or even to detonate an actual bomb.” Explains Professor Claverbals, “That was two, if not three versions of modernism ago. In today’s society, words mean nothing without context so when a woman says no, she means no. But when a rich, Wall Street executive in a leather thong and furry handcuffs says no, he means yes, please, a little harder this time.”
Modern metanarratives are, accordingly to researchers at the University of Vermont, understood well enough by experts that they could be used to decrypt or even to convey sensitive information without raising suspicion but the practical application of this method has been hindered by its own ambiguity and self-criticism.
“After all,” Finnish professor Dr Woke argues, “You might think you’re listening to someone plot to bring down a government but without a sufficient sample of hashtags and retweets, you’ll never know for sure and by then it’s too late and Kanye has been elected.
And what’s to stop us from applying a meta-metanarrative to conclude that everything is just terrible and we should all just go get high?”
Meanwhile, Professor Claverbals chooses to focus her efforts on real life scenarios. “The bottom line is that if you’re not a white guy called John Smith that already works for the government; be careful what you say around Alexa. We know exactly what you mean when you tell the pizza delivery guy to have a nice day and you make us sick. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have an appointment on Wall Street.”
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