What the fuck happened?!

Okay, so, first thing, as you can see right now on tnbtu.com is all fucked up. My hosting lapsed. It just happened.  I lost the whole site. I didn't receive any notice from my hosting provider beforehand, so yeah, awesome surprise. Just what I felt like dealing with right now. My life really needed this.  

So what now?

To be honest, if I had the power to erase my existence right now, I would just do that. But since that's not an option, I guess I just I have to pick myself up, dust myself off, and rebuild my site from scratch with a new hosting service. Not sure how long it will take. I'm gonna just try my best.  

 Thanks for sticking with me. I'll be keeping status updates on the tnbtu mastodon account (which has an rss feed) and my twitter account.

 Please skip reading the rest of this post if you don't want to read depressing, annoying, pathetic shit.

I know I'm literally the worst creator to follow and support. I know I'm flaky, unreliable and horrible. I hate myself for it. I hate how weak I am. I wish I could make it stop. I wish was strong enough to overcome my crippling depression, or just end my suffering all together by any means necessary. But I am weak and useless. I also feel shitty that I know there people worse off than me, but I can't help but pity and loathe myself. 

I know I've told you in the past, I explain why I disappear every now and then... Well, here it is: Every unannounced hiatus can be attributed to my weakness/depression and when I become overwhelmed I just seize up and shut down.  Then when I miss an update or two, it becomes increasingly harder to come back. I get so anxious about it.

I feel like I don't deserve money from you. I feel like don't deserve anyone to like TNBTU. I feel like I don't deserve your patience. And to be my insufferable dramatic self, I feel like I don't even deserve to exist. Like there are people who've had untimely deaths that didn't deserve it and who have more value than me, but I'm still here wasting space, wasting people's time, wasting the money I get form here, and generally being a waste.

This is hard for me, explaining all this. I usually hold everything in. I'm not good at explaining my feelings, expressing myself, or being vulnerable. But these are my true thoughts and struggles. I'm messy and awful.  I know I won't amount to anything. I know I'm gonna die alone and full of regret, but I'm trying right now. 

Anyway, enough embarrassing myself, the site should be back and rebuilt soon, so stay tuned for that. And if you've read all of this, I'm sorry, perhaps you could use some eye bleach.