Another from the archives...
(This originally appeared Janaury 2019 in my newsletter )
If you like to bottom or submit, here’s a quiz for you.
If the person dominating you is doing the thing they said they like, whacking you, poking you, head-tripping you… if the person topping you is wielding their favorite toy on you or in you… that’s enough for them to be happy… Right?
If you like to top or dominate, here’s a question for you.
Is wielding the toy or tool well enough for you to experience joy? That all that you need for you to get your kink joy on… Right?
Yes, these are rhetorical questions… because the answer is No.
Contrary to popular depiction, people who like to top and dominate are… people. And people are surprisingly fragile creatures, especially around matters of desire. Unless they’re totally self-serving jerks or utter psychos, they thrive or wither with the more subtle interpersonal cues.
What are these subtle interpersonal cues? It could be a smile or a frown, some way the body moves. Often times these cues are accurately interpreted. If you smile softly, I may think that you’re enjoying it. I may be right, but then I may be wrong. You might be having your resting-omg-this-is-so-tedious face on that looks like a slight smile. If you say nothing, I may think you’re not having a good time, when in reality you might be really sinking into the pleasure of the experience.
I suggest we ask each other what we look like and sound like when the moments are good or bad. And if your partner doesn’t ask, we can go ahead and tell them.
Some of these interpersonal cues will bring exceptional delight to a person. I call these biscuits. When these bring joy to one topping, I call them Top Biscuits.
Top Biscuits are different than what the person likes to do.
Top Biscuits are the reactions from the bottoming person that makes the dominant do involuntary happy dances.
For some people they’re the reflexive reactions, such as sighs, smiles, grunts, body tensions, fists clenching and toes curling. If my lover’s fist clenched and they grunted, I’d flush in response.
For some, Top Biscuits are conscious actions, such as how they’re addressed or how they choose to move. If my sweetie called me Ma’am or My Queen… or sunk to their knees in a moment of intensity… I’d just melt.
A genuinely occurring Top Biscuit has the likely effect of encouraging the one topping to continue to do the whacky-pokey-head-trippy things that elicited that.
Think about it. It’s all about a pleasure and joy feedback loop, isn’t it?
Trust your Auntie Midori on this!
with love and lunacy,