被制約下必要的反思 | On Conditioning

在庭上時,我問律師要一份文件,律師說何桂藍也有,不如你們交換看吧,我幾乎是條件反射地說,當然不行啦!旁邊的懲教職員也立即否決了律師的提議。可事後回想,卻有點不寒而慄。為什麼我會不假思索地就拒絕「交換看」這麼個平常的動作?

One day in court I asked my lawyer for a document. My lawyer said, “Gwyneth also has it so why don’t you two swap and read?” I almost reflexively said, “Of course we can’t!” The Correctional Services Department (CSD) staff next to me also banned the suggestion immediately. But thinking about it afterwards, I felt a chill down my back. Why did I reject a suggestion as ordinary as “swap and read” without thinking?

當時的即時反應,覺得律師的提議可笑、不可能,其實是懲教訓練出來的啊。人和人之間有著嚴格的屏障,不能交流、不能分享,即使是多麼人畜無害的借一份文件看看。

My reaction at that instance - deeming the lawyer’s suggestion as laughable and impossible - was in fact resulted from CSD’s training. The training placed strictly-maintained separation between one person and another, allowed no communication and sharing, even when it was as harmless as sharing a piece of document.

庭審期間我和阿藍經常同出同入,可從來無法自由傾談,說多兩句話就得立時把我倆分開到不同的房間。所有能到自己手上的東西都得經過仔細檢查,包括律師交來的每一張紙,得到許可了才真正屬於自己,打上代表身分的囚號。而那個號碼就是圍牆,所有不屬於自己號碼的東西,碰都別想碰。也不要有任何自主處置自己東西的想法,連把自己的家當交給家人都得申請,甚至連撕下自己的練習簿也是大忌。

During the trial, Gwyneth and I often went in and out together but we were never allowed to talk freely. When we conversed slightly more, we would be immediately taken to two different rooms. Everything that arrived on my hands had been thoroughly examined including every single piece of paper from my lawyers. Nothing can belong to me without first getting someone’s approval and my prisoner’s number added. But that number is a wall that keeps everything else without it from my slightest touch. Don’t even think about arranging your stuff as you please because another approval must be obtained to even just return your things to your family, and tearing pages from your own notebook is a big better-not.

當你日復一日的生活在這些規矩之中,很容易就會忘記正常的人際交往是怎樣的。律師的建議,是一個提醒:其實可以和任何人聊天交流、可以交換手上的東西、可以自行決定想做些什麼事,才是正常的啊。不要因為生活在一個扭曲的世界,就習慣那些扭曲的規矩,甚至內化成一種理所當然的反應。這大概是一件需要長期警惕的事。

When you have to live under these rules day after day, it’s easy to forget about how normal people interact. The suggestion from my lawyer was actually a reminder: I could talk and communicate with anyone, I could exchange things with them, I could decide what I wanted to do and all these were really normal. I should not get used to the twisted rules or internalize them only because I have to live in a twisted world. This is probably something I have to stay alert of for a long time.

人真的是一種很容易被制約(conditioned)的動物,「不要習慣」說來輕鬆,做起來卻不簡單。而這種制約並非只限在獄中:「安心出行」成為日常、手機實名制勢不可當、查冊越收越緊、「香港加油」成為禁語、政治人物不談政治;一些高官辦公室擺放習近平肖像,書展卻越來越不能擺放六四書籍,連龍蝦也涉嫌危害國安......  這一切一切,都在制約我們,接受沒有權利、沒有自由、沒有私隱的生活,接受「國家」大於一切,不受任何人監督的邏輯。

Human beings are indeed vulnerable to conditioning. It’s easier said than done “not to get used to”. And conditioning does not only exist in prison: LeaveHomeSafe has become part of our daily life, real-name registration for SIM card is inevitable, search of information in government-controlled registries is facing tightening control, “Hong Kong Add Oil” has become a tabooed phrase, political figures try not to talk about politics, some senior officials decorate their offices with portraits of Xi Jinping, June 4 books cannot be displayed in book fairs, even lobsters can threaten national security...all these, are conditioning us to accept a life where no rights, freedom or privacy is where, where the “state” is the paramount priority that can’t be supervised.

當社會巨變,不正常、不應當的事情通通成為了「新常態」。如何抵擋潛移默化的巨大力量,不失去對是非的判斷,不被專制的邏輯同化,不失去自主性,是我們共同面對的難題。需要時刻清醒、時刻反思,和同儕互相的提點,並盡可能在自己可以控制的範圍內正常生活,多說人話。即使規矩不能違背,也要多問為什麼。

When the society is undergoing huge and profound changes, things that are not normal or right have all become the “new norms”. How to resist the unconscious influence of such mighty power, how to maintain our judgement of right and wrong, how to prevent being assimilated by the authoritarian logics, how to preserve our autonomy and agency, these are difficult questions we are facing together. We need to stay awake, to constantly reflect on ourselves and to remind each other all the time. We must try our best to live a normal life and speak our mind as much as we can afford. Even when we can’t break the rules, we must ask “why”.

當荒謬成為日常,抵抗就是每時每刻每個人都可以做的事。別小看自己的力量,因為每一分的抵抗,也在影響著社會的大環境,影響周遭的人有沒有那麼容易被制約。我這個在小監獄內的,也得靠大家經常提點我正常的世界是如何的呢。

When absurdity has become part of daily life, resistance is what everyone can do in every hour and every minute. Do not belittle your power. Because every bit of resistance is affecting the general society and influencing people around you so they won’t be so easily conditioned. While I am in my small prison, I also need your help to remind me how the normal world runs.

#原本只想講兩句的不知怎麼講長了

#坐監令人長氣

#希望無悶親大家

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