We recently went and re-watched Suicide Squad, or I re-watched it and Chase saw it for the first time. I'd been apprehensive, Zack Snyder movies are basically made to make me feel conflicted ("it's shiny, but is it good, ??!!??"), but I just kept thinking about this dang movie. Was I projecting things onto it? Was it really the kind of amazing (if rough on the editing and writing) thing I thought it was? Watching it again and listening to Chase talk about it after confirmed it: it's actually a pretty great film.

There are definitely things that aren't perfect about it (try giving your script another pass folks, you don't need to hold our hands for everything), but it's the kind of movie I wish teen me could have seen, for a lot of reasons.

I was super into the X-Men as a teen. Not the comics, the cartoon. I had one hell of an AU, complete with my own self-insert character, in my head .I didn't know what fanfic was, so I never wrote any of it down. But I did basically evolve that character out of my mental fanfic and tried to make a comic with her. I still have the first couple of pages (pencils, inks and meticulous greyscale and photocopy tests) but sadly time ate the fully coloured pages from later in the story that I had drawn out of order, as a sort of conceptual exercise.

I remember showing the colour pages to my high school boyfriend and him being pretty whatever about it. And that's probably why they're gone? Or why I never finished the comic.

But time is weird and brains are weird and it's not like that self-insert (who was fully a separate entity by the time I started drawing her) went away. There was a half-alien side character she ended up meeting that has her own overwrought backstory scattered throughout high school and college notebooks. The world they shared and inhabited basically overlapped with Space Goth, a webcomic I had in the early/mid 2000s.

Back to Suicide Squad. My little X-Men self-insert would slot into that world perfectly. For all the reasons I love it, I know one reason is because teen me would have roleplayed the shit out of a Suicide Squad self-insert on MSN chat rooms. And I wouldn't have had to have been cobbling a world together between my beloved metahumans and watching everything John Leguizamo and Antonio Bandaras were in, unaware that the thing I was searching for was basically a Latinx Batman. And Chato Santana is better than Batman.

I still toy with the idea of bringing this character out of storage and doing her the justice I couldn't as a confused-ass highschooler, but I gotta focus on finishing some things first. There's an emotionally abused puppet YouTube star I've gotta go find an escape for first.