3 Poems
Dear Reader,

Between snow storms and local football franchises winning Super Bowls, it's been an off week for my writing schedule. But I still have a few new poems to share with you, all of them inspired by my recently purchased Cards Against Humanity  deck. CAH is described by its creators as "a party game for horrible people," and I think you'll find the dark humor in these 3 pieces to reflect that.




A Penny for Your Penii

“Why do I hurt all over?”  
he asks me, by way of his puppy dog eyes  
and his slobbering tongue.  
“Is it the crumbs all over the goddamn carpet
or my assless chaps  
or both?”

And the truth is  
I don’t know.

The only thing I am certain of anymore is that  
touching a pug right on  
his penis is a slippery slope  
that leads to a micropig in  
a tiny raincoat and booties chasing  
the entire Mormon Tabernacle Choir  
into the dreams of Donald J. Trump  
on the eve of his second inaugural.  
And that, if we ain’t careful,  
old Donnie Boy will forget to cut the part of   
the speech where he goes on about how  
life for American Indians was forever  
changed when the White Man  
introduced them to  
road head.  
And you know that can’t come out.  
You know they’ll have no reservations  
about leaving the reservations  
and invading this land that  
ain’t my land, that  
ain’t your land.  
This land ain’t made  
for you and me.

So, when he asks me again,  
what I tell him is that bit about  
what Teach for America is using to  
inspire inner city students  
to succeed: a snapping turtle biting  
the tips of their penises.  
And maybe, I say, maybe they’ve started  
doing that to dogs, too.



Instead of coal, Santa, now  
give the bad children  
Make them understand  
the sanctity of a tab  
and a slot.

Remind them that marriage can be  
nothing but a cheap cardboard toy  
you tear out of the box  
of your cereal  
or your Happy  


L.A. Asshole

After the earthquake,  
Sean Penn brought  
elderly Japanese men  
to the people of Haiti  
because he learned  
in L.A. County Jail that  
you can trade 200 cigarettes for  
Asians who aren’t good at math.


Photo by Ryan McGuire 

These poems are remixes of writing from Cards Against Humanity and are therefore licensed under a BY-NC-SA 2.0 License.