Between snow storms and local football franchises winning Super Bowls, it's been an off week for my writing schedule. But I still have a few new poems to share with you, all of them inspired by my recently purchased Cards Against Humanity deck. CAH is described by its creators as "a party game for horrible people," and I think you'll find the dark humor in these 3 pieces to reflect that.
A Penny for Your Penii
“Why do I hurt all over?”
he asks me, by way of his puppy dog eyes
and his slobbering tongue.
“Is it the crumbs all over the goddamn carpet
or my assless chaps
And the truth is
I don’t know.
The only thing I am certain of anymore is that
touching a pug right on
his penis is a slippery slope
that leads to a micropig in
a tiny raincoat and booties chasing
the entire Mormon Tabernacle Choir
into the dreams of Donald J. Trump
on the eve of his second inaugural.
And that, if we ain’t careful,
old Donnie Boy will forget to cut the part of
the speech where he goes on about how
life for American Indians was forever
changed when the White Man
introduced them to
And you know that can’t come out.
You know they’ll have no reservations
about leaving the reservations
and invading this land that
ain’t my land, that
ain’t your land.
This land ain’t made
for you and me.
So, when he asks me again,
what I tell him is that bit about
what Teach for America is using to
inspire inner city students
to succeed: a snapping turtle biting
the tips of their penises.
And maybe, I say, maybe they’ve started
doing that to dogs, too.
Instead of coal, Santa, now
give the bad children
Make them understand
the sanctity of a tab
and a slot.
Remind them that marriage can be
nothing but a cheap cardboard toy
you tear out of the box
of your cereal
or your Happy
After the earthquake,
Sean Penn brought
elderly Japanese men
to the people of Haiti
because he learned
in L.A. County Jail that
you can trade 200 cigarettes for
Asians who aren’t good at math.
Photo by Ryan McGuire
These poems are remixes of writing from Cards Against Humanity and are therefore licensed under a BY-NC-SA 2.0 License.