Airing Vunerablility
Thinking back to my conversation with a fellow Artist friend during the 5th Annual Art Auction for the Andrea Rose Teodosio Foundation https://www.andrearose.org/ the statement flows from my mouth.

"I don't care if someone likes my Art or not. Some will and some won't"

She proceeds to reply "Please stand closer and rub some of that off onto me"

There is truth to my statement, at least above the level of my subconscious. You see it took a very long time for me to get back into my art. To allow others to view and critic without folding into myself.  I have learned to scold the inner voice that wants to say "not good enough", "Oh you think your an Artist?", "why bother?" - you know... Old tapes or voices from our past or inner stifled child. So courage was captured and I began painting again, slowing putting those pieces of me out into the world for all to see and yes people did appreciate, but not all and that was okay.

Now dive into the Subconscious... 

After so boldly stating the above, I decide to meander about, viewing the other works on display. In front of each piece you notice the bidding slip and well mine just so happened to lack. If anything stirs up a bit of self doubt, a blank slip will do just that.

Later that evening as I lay resting on the couch, pondering the evening and all of its festivities. An aching released as the let down took affect.

You see as I took upon this challenge and accepted the honor of painting for such a great cause to the highest regard. Before paint went to canvas I read the story of Andrea Rose. The story of a young promising woman who left the world to soon. I thought about my girls and their many talents, their drive, the personalities, all of their amazing little things that they bring to this world within the home and out, on a daily basis. Then I imagined that being no more and my heart broke. 

I couldn't just give any old painting that was previously created because it would not represent and honor the feelings this story manifested for me or the Spirit of Andrea Rose. A deep admiration to the family grew as I pondered the many things they are doing for the community in her name. A foundation that weaves the family together for good instead of tearing them apart. So I set out to create a painting with the above in mind specific to the foundation and her spirit. Out came A Gentle Caress of Admiration. 

So YES to a sadness felt when i gazed upon that white sheet that lacked bids. Did the lack of numbers portray the value behind the painting? No. YET for some reason we are taught that money means worth and value. That it is worthless unless a worth in numbers has been attached to it.

As the bid clock ticked down, i made my way over to to collect my painting and pack up to head home. Handing over my ticket to gather my coat and belongings I hear "you aren't taking your painting are you?" I turn to look into the eyes of none other but Andrea's parents themselves. Telling me that they wished to bid on my painting hoping to take it home with them. Not that they needed to make a bid, being that it is their Foundation and their Auction, yet to know that my painting was going to go home with the very Family it was intended for placed my emotions at the top of that coaster track.

I was able to relay the story behind the painting and what it meant to me and thank them for the honor of painting for their daughter and their cause.  

and here I sit curled up on my couch, pondering the coaster of emotions that coursed throughout the night. Wonder and doubt and gliding into the awe of how the universe and God work in mysterious ways. 

don't doubt

have faith

all is as it should be.

~Nikki