Ask Lord Dog (March)
Dear Lord Dog:
Is it true that two of your brothers are...?
-- Titillated But Concerned

Dear Titillated:
...  templars? No, that's just the one, though I understand a Hawke in  armour to be rather popular in certain quarters, and don't get me  started about templars and their Swords of Mercy. (Here, my husband  looks quite infuriated that I would mention his genuinely excellent  sword in public.) But, no, one templar is enough for the family. Well...  two, if you count my husband, but we're related only through marriage.

But,  perhaps you meant 'on holiday'? But, again, that's only one of my  brothers, however much I might wish a different one would also go on  holiday. Just a few days without someone re-arranging my underclothes or  slamming into my bedroom in the middle of the night to yell about  things that could have waited until morning...

Sexy? No, that's  all of us, my sister included. There has never been any question that,  our other attributes aside, the Hawke-Amells are the best looking noble  family in Kirkwall. (Which is not, I might add, how I became Viscount of  Kirkwall. That was my devastating wit, which is also shared by most of  the family, and my incredible political acumen, which you are reaping  the benefit of, right now!)

Named after mages? No, that's just  one brother -- and he's named for a revolutionary magister with  excellent taste in dresses. And me, of course. I was named for a  handsome enchanter from the Gallows, though I'm afraid he was Tranquil  before I had the chance to meet him. Pity, I heard he'd been an  enjoyable sort.

Interested in elves? ... That could be two of my  brothers, for two entirely different definitions of 'interest'. One  studies elven culture and religion, the other married an elf and I don't  want to know more about his 'elven studies'.

'Still not  married', as far as I know, could also be two of my brothers, though  good luck with either of them. One's the baroness's paramour, and the  other one's on holiday somewhere in the distant reaches of Thedas. (If  you're an elf, you might have better luck with the married one, but  don't let him hear I said it.)

In Kirkwall? That's also true,  though the city would be better for it if the third came home. Provided  he stopped eating cabbage salad. On second thought, perhaps it's better  he's on holiday. My house hasn't smelt this fresh in years.

I'm afraid, dear reader, you'll need to be far more specific.
-- Lord Dog

Dear Lord Dog: 
Is it true that two of your brothers are... fighting the urge to kill you right now? No, I'm sure it's more than two.
P.S.: Good luck finding where I hid your smalls. And your liquor.
-- Lord Halla

Dear Lord Halla:
Never  mind my smalls. My husband likes me better without them, even if he  wishes I would stop mentioning it in public, instead of in appropriately  inappropriate closets. The liquor, though... You'd better have left the  Anijswater from Nordbotten. That was a gift.

As to which of my  brothers might be fighting the urge to kill me, I can be assured of only  two: Slutty and Adopted. Shouty couldn't be reached for comment. I'm  sure he's got other things on his mind, like how many of the neighbours  are going to kill him, if he doesn't shut up.
--Lord Dog

Dear Lord Dog:
Must you be such an asshole?
-- Lord Halla

Dear Lord Halla:
I'm  the middle sibling of five. I'm pretty sure it was inevitable. Also,  you took my Anijswater. Please enjoy the view out your back window. The  volume of dragon dung involved in that masterpiece was inordinately  costly.
--Lord Dog 

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