Backstory - Part 2
 
Ah, the thrill of feeling in control, and the loneliness it brings! I felt so clever when deceiving. And empty. And nervous, defensive - all the time. Remembering all the lies so the stories added up, never a relaxed moment - paradoxically the easiest relationships were the ones with cheaters, because the need of secrecy was shared...but there was no freedom to get in touch whenever I felt like it, and there was always fear. Truth was an enemy.

Monogamy was safer, easier, and commonly accepted, therefore "right".

But was it for me? I was still finding myself interested in others. This undermined the monogamous relationship more out of the perception of being wrong in wanting both - so one had to diminish - and then the lies did the rest.

Breaking up with my boyfriend was the first altruistic move in that relationship, and, as far as I know, might have been the first one in my life.
At one point I realised that I was staying with him because he was a good alibi to keep suspicions on my actions at bay, and that the way I was treating him had damaged his confidence and was keeping him hooked in a toxic relationship that he did not have the strength to leave. The breakup itself was very drama-free. We both knew it was for the best.

What came next a little less so...

May the Frubble be with you.

Angie

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