barely recovering is good enough for me.

I have 30 days today (tonight/tomorrow actually), and I'm falling apart. I have gut-related autoimmune issues, ate something I shouldn't have last night, and spent all of today feeling like using because of how sick I felt. It was way worse than any time in this past month, which I didn't expect. At home, It got worse, a disagreement with my wife made me more upset, and I had very severe suicidal ideation for the first time in at least a couple months. I tried to get out of my head by playing World of Warcraft with my guild and did some of the best button pushing I've done in my life. It all went well until we got to the last boss of the raid, I am one of the guilds best healers (and the one with the highest heals per second consistently) and I died early in the encounter. Without me there to keep the other 20ish players alive we failed at killing the boss right before raid time was about to end. I know it was not completely my fault, and I contribute a lot to my guild's gaming success but I fear being blamed, talked about, or at least looked down upon. 

This last part might seem silly to some but I've been a video game player for over 30 years, and I take it quite seriously, and on top of my autoimmune flare up and general inability to deal with life clean, this event really pushed me over the edge.

I feel like hurting myself more than I feel like using, but I'm so self-destructive right now the thought of both keep rushing almost unbidden into my mind. I'm not going to do either but the thought of grabbing a knife from the kitchen and cutting myself seemed almost magnetic at two points during the night. WHY DO I ALWAYS FEEL LIKE HURTING MYSELF WHEN I "SUCCESSFULLY" QUIT SUBSTANCES?? I know the answer, obsessive behavior brought on by the self-loathing and lack of self-acceptance that started and accelerated my addictions and self-destructive behaviors; but the understanding does not make it much easier. 

Really I just guess I needed to snitch on myself since I can't go to a meeting right now, and don't feel ok about calling my sponsor or friends in the program in the middle of the night, they have kids and jobs, I have neither. But I do have a computer, and you all. Thanks.

I now have 30 days clean (but obviously not serene) mere days before my 40th birthday. More importantly, I know I can never use psychoactive drugs In any form again in my life, using them to escape and avoid life is what got me here.... Into this mess I happen to call Robert Terrill. I can also never cut or hit myself again. I did too much of the former as an adolescent, and too much of the latter in the 4 years since I've quit drinking.

Last night I had a dream where I was cleaning a toilet while a party went on a couple of rooms away, the celebration was filled with family and old friends. The toilet was horrendously dirty and difficult to clean. While scrubbing it zealously, I found my dream self confused as to why I was cleaning instead of enjoying time with the others. Upon waking, the symbolism seemed clear: the toilet is my spirit, the base sacredness of my being, which I had brutally defiled with my 27 years of drug and alcohol abuse. I didn't go to the party yet because I'm not ready to. If I relapse and continue using, I will never be clean, I will compound my inhibitions, self-hatred, and certainly never live up to my potential as an artist or a human being. I CANNOT DO THAT.

30 days today. Tonight was hell, but at least I'm no longer hiding from the truth of myself and the world. Thank you for reading. Writing this helped a lot. Together, we can do what I never could. Mitra blessed this wisdom from the holy center of Babylon, together we can be saved. Freya loves us all. Redemption is the spirit of the universe, I will never go back.

Thank you.