BLOG - CRUX's Musings
I think this is how it feels to make Art. This weird, frantic waffling between desperation, fear, and depression, to an equally desperate, manic euphoria. From "I can't do this," to "I can't do anything but this." I don't know if I am an Artist, but I do believe this is how it feels to make Art.

On the worst days, all of this feels stupid and hopeless. "How could you possibly believe you could make a living doing something so weird and pointless?" I ask myself. "Why would anyone pay you to do this? This isn't art. What are you doing with your life?" But, oh, it is so easy to sway the balance back to the other extreme. One new pledge on Patreon - of any amount - or a good day of acting/storytelling, or a brilliant new idea for an upcoming project - from myself or any member of the team - and I'm back on top of the mountain. "Of course this is Art! Look at what we've done! The stories we've told, the sights and sounds we've made, the feelings we've made people experience! What could this be, but Art?"

And I live in pursuit of those moments, fleeting as they may be. The rush of adrenaline that comes with really connecting to a character and living out their story in real-time - seeing how the players react. The feeling that, yes, we are accomplishing something here, we're doing something great, and meaningful, and worthwhile. If drugs are anything like this feeling I get, I can understand completely why people get addicted. It's a euphoria like none other. It sings through my veins and makes my heart and head light - like I'm floating above myself, able to, for one, appreciate my successes without fearing my future failures.

We are all but addicts to one thing or another, aren't we?

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