Chapter 4: The Excision(Editor's Notes)
Here is all the notes from my editor Luku Zuku for Chapter 4. This would not be possible without him ^^

As always, his notations are in brackets: []



Waking up the next morning was strange. I don’t have that feeling of happiness I once had when I arrived with Alex greeting. Hopefully Alex and Norman can cheer me up with some of their charisma. I hurried down to the first floor to see their shining faces. When I entered the living room again, anger flowed through the air.] Could it be Alex or Norman? 

“Why did that bat have to come here, he’s gonna ruin everything I worked so hard to create.” Jane cried out. What was she creating and how did I interfere? My interest was piqued the minute she mentioned me. “If my plan is going to work, I need Twinkle toes out of the picture.” she said. My heart dropped out of my chest. Jane was going to kill me?!”Even though she has an unconventional attitude, she wouldn’t result to killing. I mean, what did I even do to her? Does she know about the Toshiki clan? 

“Species like him are no longer needed in our society today, The Old Regime” she vowed. The Old Regime, a derogatory term to describe indigenous folk. As Jane said that, I heard a series of clicking and clacking. Either she was playing shuffleboard in the kitchen, or she was loading a gun. “Bat must be deaf, mute, and dumb if he didn’t see this coming.” she said laughing. I got into a frozen state of fear. I didn’t know what to do. Should I try to subdue her with my newly learned martial arts? [I don’t think anyone has ever mastered any martial art overnight, especially without someone to train with.. Not to mention that martial arts have an innate weakness against firearms. Landing a single shot would completely cripple the fighter. I’d reference that Matthew DOESN’T know the full extent of the book yet. “Should I try to take her on, with the snips of information I gleaned from my book upstairs?] Should I tell Alex or Norman about her true feelings? They may not even be in the house right now. Can I call the police? Run Away? I really don’t know! All I know now is that I want her to die! [Woah, that’s a distance to travel. OK. A little thing, try to make all your sentence as short as possible. Since this story based on Matthews thoughts, he would be having shorter and shorter thoughts as adrenaline started pumping. Secondly, he had a darker turn all of sudden that he had to kill Jane. Make him realise that he has no other choice. “It seems like I’ll have to kill her, or at least knock her out until Alex or Norrman finds me…”

“There you are , my target has arrived” [This is a little bit of a personality change. A target generally mean that it’s VERY premeditated. Probably the type of vocabulary a hitman or assassin would use. Try changing it to something a little more subtle. “Ah, My guest has woken up.”] she said slowly. She can’t see me, can she? [A little confusing to put this without anything. Reference to my matthew before this. “My heart lept to my throat. She couldn’t possibly see me, could she?””]“Say goodbye to your worthless life!” she yelled. Shortly after that, she fired a bullet straight at a window. Resulting in a predictable shattering of it. “ You’re a fast one aren’t you!” she said laughing crazily. She took some footsteps towards the other room, the entertainment center. “There you are, my prey!” she shouted. Jane has gone full blown animalistic. She fired three more bullets at me, I think. [This next sequence is a little too much. Like I said before, Matthew CAN’T think straight in this situation, unless time freezes or something. If he can’t think straight, I doubt that he would be able to recognize symptoms of a psychological illness, and tie it to the correct illness, as the majority of the symptoms are also belonging to Schizophrenia (Paranoia, Delusions {Believing that what’s unreal is real; hallucinations}, Unusual or disorganised speech or behaviour) Or possibly even a VERY serious case of Borderline Personality Disorder. With this many different disorders that could be affecting Jane, It would take time and study to be able to diagnose Jane properly. Of course, it’s easier if she has just ingested something that caused it, but again, this take study to be able to tell. If I were writing, I’d write it as though Matthew doesn’t know what’s going on, and maybe later in another chapter, reveal it that Jane WASN’T acting of her own accord. It’s a simple plot twist, but it’s an effective one especially if Jane is killed in the struggle; How are you to explain this to Alex, he’s her wife.] I’ve read about this condition before in the few medical books I came across. A person who is not in a stable state of mind. The will of their sanity and the ability to make good decisions is taken away. Intellectuality is at an all time low and all left brain and even right brain functions lost. Abandoning all instinctual and attained values gathered throughout their lifetime. Friends and family are considered obstacles. The perception of reality is forever morphed. This condition is caused by physical ingestion of dangerous substances or a small chance to be caused emotionally. Hallucination exists inside everyone. All of the facts match up with a person suffering from hallucinations. But it’s her intrinsic hate for the indigenous that is causing this aggression, based on my reads in the past. I heard the gunshots getting closer and closer to me. Soon, my wings had to take flight soon. Just as I was about to take action, the front door busted open and I heard the voice in the dream. 

“ I got this, get to cover quickly” He is actually in person and not in a dream or anything! “ I’m the one you want Jane Aiobolas!” he said, challenging her. 

“Dang, I’m out of bullets” she said sadly. “You know what, guns are overrated, fists are a classic” she snickered. [Once again, this is another symptom of BPD. If you truly want the plot twist to hit, or to separate the symptoms from that of BPD, I would change the “Sad” tone, to a “mocking” one. “Aw, would a look at that?” She mocked. “I’m all out of bullets,” She said, tossing it away. “Guess I’m using the classics” she snickered, raising her fists and taking a shouldered stance.] Solomon didn’t say a word to Jane in response. All he did was pull out from his back, a blue-colored katana [This isn’t against the structure, this works fine, and it’s only my opinion here. I feel like “A katana tinged with heavy shades of blue” works better. But that’s really your preference that matters. Secondly,  I’d reference back to Matthew here, so the reader knows we’re still seeing this from his eyes. “The sword sent chills down my spine, and I realised it must’ve been forged to mimic ice]. Cold air was emanating from it, signaling that it must’ve been forged with the power of ice. Solomon then moved into a new stance with his feetpaws together, toes out, shoulders out, ears pointed straight up, core tightened, and the katana held straight out and the blade held straight up. 

“The image you see before you is the last you see before you die.” Solomon declared. 

“Yeah right, tell that to my fist!” she shouted. Jane threw the first punch, but to no avail. Moving lightning fast with excellent agility, Solomon used his quick bunny feet to move behind her. Almost as if he teleported there. 

“Why you!” she shouted in frustration. She did a quick roundhouse kick aimed at his face. [A little thing for the choreography, I’d make Jane take step forward before twisting into the roundhouse. It makes Solomon appear more imposing, since she’d have to take a step away to get the room for a roundhouse.] When looking behind her after completing the kick, Solomon wasn’t there . Jane started to panic and looked in all directions to try and find him. Eventually, she did. Except she found his white fluffy knee in her face. During the time she was dazed from the attack, Solomon made a slash on her chest.

“AHHH. My chest hurts! Can’t...move…” she whimpered. Oddly enough, her clothes weren’t ripped off. What few clothes she had on that is. Solomon was amazing in action, he was clearly on the winning end. After that slash, Jane appeared to move sluggishly and lost all strength. 

“Time to finish this!” he swore. “The ice cold shell that engulfs you will no longer protect you, not from my awesome power of my blade. Crimson Ice Fall!”  [On the subject of named moves. They work VERY well in Comic and Animation. In writing, no so much. HOWEVER, there is the advantage that he seems to have a very eastern fighting style. Meaning that there will be movements. In other words, this is a time to make Solomon seem more beatable (Which you want; It’s hard to like an unbeatable character). “...not from the awesome power of my blade!” Then in a smaller voice, he muttered, “movement number 31, Fall of Ice.”] he muttered. Flurries of punches were hurled at Jane which went undefended by her. Following the onslaught of punches was a series of kicks. First, a kick to her head with the heel of his paw. Second, a kick to her body with his ankle. Dazed and confused, Solomon was ready to end this. Finally while quickly getting into a squatting position, he did a sweeping kick that launched Jane off the ground. While Jane was in the air and his back to her, he put his paws on the ground and launched off of them to do a drop kick. While he was in the air, he grabbed his katana. Jane had a rough landing on the ground, still dazed. Solomon then pointed the blade straight towards the ground for the finishing blow. As he landed on the ground, he pierced the blade straight through her chest. I looked closely at the body, but I didn’t see any blood. Instead I saw frost forming on her body. 

“I actually lied, she won’t die she’s just unconscious.” he assured while laughing. He ran up to me to give me a hug and whispered “You’re safe now”[From what I’ve seen of him, Solomon definitely isn’t the type to just hug someone. Especially if he’s a Ninja. He would hide his emotions, so anyone spying on them wouldn’t be able to use them against him, i.e. taking Matthew ransom.]. Looks like his promises were true. “Master, you can come out now. The mission has been accomplished.” he said. Who was he talking to? 

“Great job Sol. Been wanting to do that for three years now.” The voice finally stepped into view. Cargo pants...Winter hat...Blue hair. “Surprise Matt! I guess we have a lot of explaining to do” he said. Yes you do Norman. 

Wait a minute...We?

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