Confessions of A Broke Girl
 
This sentence has a dual meaning as it portrays more than a side of my life. I am broke. Figuratively, and mentally.


As the end of last year, a con-man scammed me. The con-man has disguised himself as a charming, loving man who loves me so much. He even talked about our future together. He said I would be his wife, which I softly objected as we dated for only two months. He then asked me to lend him some money for the 12 hours, promising to pay me back at 9 a.m. I took a loan from the credit card company (more than I can afford to pay back) and lent him money.  


And the usual thing happened. The con-man did not pay me back and cut any contact with me. I, left with over $10,000 debt and a broken heart and of course, damaged credit. I am a twenty-seven-year-old girl who just started working. I could not possibly pay it back, so as of now I am only paying back the interests. But since I lend the money from the credit card company, not the bank, the interest keep growing. I am doomed. 


Above event, in turn, empowered my already-present sleeping disorder, which led to extreme insomnia with major clinical depression and binge eating. I cannot sleep nor fully awake, but I can eat, and eating is the only thing makes me feel alive. Consequently, I gained an extreme amount of weight in a relatively short amount of time and I cannot stop eating. 


I feel sick, all the time. Tired of this life, tired of people, and tired of myself. Curse myself who lent him the money. Curse me for being this weak. Curse my body. I hate my soul as much as my body right now. 


Above is my confession. I am as weak as the feather and as broke and covered in debt as, who knows. I hate myself with an intense passion. I cannot forgive myself. I know I have many great qualities, but this time I am simply at war with myself.


But it is true that I want to get better. Sometimes this craving to get better is so overwhelming I feel like crying a bit. Because I want to work on it but at the same time lack the internal power and discipline to start pedaling. 


I just checked, and my debt just reached $20,000! Great, my interest keep grows as my paycheck has been staying the same. My brother is in college, and he uses my credit card little by little to get himself some foods. I know that I should cut his card. However, I cannot do that. I pity the little thing so much I am allowing him to use the damn card. 


I am slowly drowning. The water is right under my nose. I feel my heart beating at the fast speed.