To me, to be creative is to be vulnerable.
Yes, we are surrounded by criticisms all around us, from the day we are born. As we grow up in this critical world full of shame, scarcity and perpetual comparison , we learn to not be vulnerable because we will be rejected; we will be unloved. We need to be seen, to be understood, to be recognized, to be validated: these are the fundamental needs. Attachment and connection are great needs. As a child these are important. However, we learn to suppress our authenticity to secure attachment. So, yes giving up those peripherals is a hard thing to do. I have been doing that most of my life because I wanted to keep those connections, but I was oppressing my true self. The clarity of this lesson came to me few years back. I did lose connection to my true essence, my love, my joy; but did I ever have it? Was it ever presence? Were there any glimpses of it? It made me remorse to think of the possibility that I may have never searched for my true self.
The journey began from then on for the search. I knew criticisms will always follow me, however I need to remember Theodore Roosevelt’s quote
“It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly”.
I am on my arena, my journey to discover myself and I welcome the criticisms but give me constructive criticisms. Help me, share with me, how I can do it better. At the end of the day, I need to be aware of that. I need to be cognizant and responsible about that. As Brene Brown puts it, I need to reserve a seat for my critics and tell them (and myself, the biggest critic of all), I see you, I hear you, but I need to do this anyway.” I need to and want to overcome these fearsome monsters and let my soul shine through. It’s been blocked for way too long.
The second lesson also came from the book, the gifts of imperfection," For me, and for many of us our first waking thought of the day is "I didn't get enough sleep." The next one is, "I don't have enough time." whether true or not, the thought of not enough occurs to us automatically before we even think to question or examine it. We spend most of the hours and the days of our lives hearing, explaining, complaining, or worrying about what we don't have enough of...we don't have enough exercise. We don't have enough work. We don't have enough profits. We don't have enough power. We don't have enough wilderness. We don't have enough weekends. Of course- we don't have enough money- ever. We aren't thin enough, we aren't smart enough, we aren't pretty enough or fit enough, or educated or successful enough or rich enough- ever. Before we even sit up in bed, before our feet touch the floor, we're already inadequate, behind, losing, lacking something. By the time we go to bed at night, our minds race with litany of what we didn't get, or didn't get done that day. We go to sleep burdened by those thoughts and wake up to reverie of lack. What begins as a simple expression of the hurried life or even a challenged life, grows into the great justification for an unfulfilled life. We are starving from a lack of gratitude. We each have the choice in any setting to step back and let go of the mind set of scarcity. Once we let go of scarcity, we discover the surprising truth of sufficiency. Sufficiency isn't two steps up from poverty or one step short of abundance. It isn't a measure of barely enough or more than enough. Sufficiency isn't an amount at all. It is an experience, a context we generate, a declaration, a knowing that there is enough, that we are enough. Sufficiency resides inside of each of us, and we can call it forward. It is a consciousness, an attention, an intentional choosing of the way we think about our circumstances."
I realized that I have a scarcity mentality and it makes me feel ashamed; ashamed because I have let myself down. I have learned that scarcity breeds within me, insecurity, loss, fear, resistance, guilt, resentment, victimization and self pity. My soul has been funneling these dark energies and breaking me down to pieces. I don’t want any more breakdowns. I want breakthroughs. This is my second journey, my journey to resurrect my soul, for transformations, for abundance, for ease. I want my soul to be wild, flowing, flexible, balanced and soft. It isn’t easy to breakdown those barriers. Those barriers were protecting me yet killing me. It is time to exhale them out.