The current state of things.
 
I have an appointment tomorrow, I've been trying to keep things up on twitter. This past month has been pretty horrible for pain and I sort of melted down after I was told by my primary care doctor that I just had to "wait a few months" to see if the pain just goes away.

That's not really something I'm willing to accept. 


The people that helped us find our apartment after the fire referred me to a healthcare planning service and we have a bunch planned, including getting me signed up for a medical taxi so I don't burn through my funds on all this medical stuff. But most importantly it means I'll be getting proper care rather than my cruddy doctors that I've gone back to 5 times for the same issue and gotten no where with.


Hopefully this means that I'll be getting rid of this infection sooner rather than later and I'll be on the road to recovery. I'll slowly be able to work more and more. For a week straight I wasn't able to sit up at all, it just hurt so bad that I could barely walk to the bathroom. Sitting up hurts and causes nausea and makes me ill. 


Every so often I complain about it on twitter. I try to keep people updated. But the long and short of it is, I just figure people don't want to hear about it anymore. My luck has always been a sort of in-joke with how bad it is. I just feel like people think "Oh that Sheela with her problems again, I wish she'd stop complaining and just get back to work."


It puts me into a pretty deep depression, not working. It's been really rough on me. Believe it or not, I really enjoy working. Putting out content, being social and creative. Currently, I can't really do any of that. I can barely get out a sketch on my good days. Which is why Patreon has been so important to me lately. 


I understand why people have been leaving, reducing their patronage vastly, etc. The fake patrons are probably what hurt the most but every time I see someone lower their patronage because I can't currently work I beat myself up about it. On some level I understand, I'm not producing content and I know that's sort of the point, to support an artist so they can produce content. But at the same time, having some source of income in my time of need when it's getting to the point where paying bills has become a struggle and getting food has become an issue, it just sets me back emotionally to see support waning for what's happened. How can I recover without support? 


I understand why, I understand some people can't afford it and it's necessary, and I don't know if it's selfish to think this way or not. It just makes me feel bad about myself and my inability to work.


All I can say is how sorry I am, how useless it makes me feel, and hope that things will turn around sooner rather than later. Hope that I'll stop being sick soon, hope that going to this new doctor will pay off. I have always had a slew of health issues but I've never let them get in the way. This is the first time that something has made me really physically unable, and it's just been one thing after another since the fire. The infection was caused by antibiotics I had to take for my fire-related injuries, and it's just sort of sticking with me all these months, getting worse and worse until we've gotten to where we are now. 


And I'm sorry. I'm sorry I need help, I'm sorry I haven't been able to work, I'm sorry that my doctors haven't been able to properly fix the issue. All I can do is hope. It's just increasingly hard to do so. Every time they put me on medication, I get my  hopes up when I start to feel better, I move back to my real PC and my real work space, and then a week later I'm right back in bed. It's just getting harder to keep my head up about the whole situation and it's gotten scarier as time has gone on. I just haven't wanted to address it. I've wanted to appear strong and brave and not make people worry. People have worried about us ever since we lost our apartment. I want to be okay more than anything. I don't know how much longer it'll be. 


For those of you that decide to stick around while I'm healing, it means a lot. I'll try to draw as much as I can. You're all basically the only thing keeping me afloat right now, so thank you. I don't know what I'd do without you helping us right now. 

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