Good morning! How are you today?
Body fine, thanks, (if a bit sore from playing all this raging piano),
mental health: crap.
I´ve been depressive since the weekend, and, as usual, I coped with being extra silly, overenthusiastic, trying to motivate everyone while at the inside screaming and wanting to hide. Who would really want to know what I feel like? As long as I can work? Also, what does it matter? I´m just playing the piano why Rah and Taylor are doing REAL work, also to keep ME going, and Christoph is fighting a bad migraine.
But I know that some of you are here BECAUSE I am depressive. And some of you are, too. ANd half of my SONGS are about depression. It´s even a tag on this blog.
And so today I thought, so what. And gave this post an extra warning so you don´t have to read it. More silliness tomorrow. Promise!
Also I decided to make this post public. Because I still find it extremely hard to talk about my mental state. Which makes that even worse. And it shouldn´t be like this. We should talk.
Why am I feeling bad? Am I ENTITLED to feeling bad? There´s people who have suffered severely in their life. I haven´t. There´s people right here, around me, who have existential problems, who are despised by their own family, who have upended their whole life, who are entitled to EXPLODE at every single moment. They don´t. so why do I?
There is no reason. It just is. I just am.
I am feeling very much "Vanity Fair" -
"Nothing has happened, and no, you can´t help,
I´m not an unlucky person.
My brain is just fucked up, and I am so tired, I can´t hide anymore."
I am wondering, btw, if that last line should be "hide" or "fight". I am changing the lyrics daily :-D still time for you to help me decide!
It was extra hard to play that song the day before yesterday. Not just because it felt haunted. Also because it took about 50 takes to get the instrumental part right. And I felt so much a failure. I should have been prepared better. I should have worked harder. Fuck it, I should have been more honest and written something I can actually play. Or hired a session pianist.
Should I have?
Even I can´t work more than 24 hours a day, Christoph says. But I still feel guilty.
My body didn´t work properly for a few days. All the typical symptoms of a depression, tummy acting up, headache, rashes, terrible sleeplessness, back pain, joint pain, clenched everything. Didn´t make anything easier. Including panicking I would get ill, as in,a virus I would spread over the whole team. And delay things even more. I felt guilty of everything, and still do, like I am delaying EVERYTHING and still being responsible for having a deadline at all. I snuck out of the studio through the backdoor a few times, to cry a little on the corner, or just to sit there and stare.
Yoga helped, but today is that day in my depression cycle when I can´t concentrate, Neither on my breath, let alone meditation, not on any task. You might notice by the way I am writing. I won´t edit this. This is the picture of my mind.
Yesterday both Rah and I played Please Die. This song is extra important to both of us. We have played it live very often, and I thought it would be easy compared to Vanity Fair. (It was. But.) Rah took half the day to play it, and that was great, and incredibly powerful, the physical equivalent of running a marathon, and so expressive we almost cried in the control room.
Then I played to this. It started great. Then I played the choruses, full of rage, and power, and failed,minuscule, but it felt huge to me. After playing about ten times I started crying and played on. I doubt anybody noticed. The rage felt good though, even if it was directed towards myself.
I think I did a good job, and I did it in a very professional way. Including a laughing fit when the alternative was just dropping from the stool and going to sleep just where I was.
I only could do it with Taylor pulling me there in her warm, precise, helpful, motivating, demanding way. And with Rah watching me through the pane and waving at me, and cheering me on. And I knew Christoph was listening even when he was in pain, and commenting ever so often.
My hands hurt, and I kept thinking: why didn´t I play the piano more before coming here? Why didn´t I build up the stamina? Or what else am I doing wrong? Are the monitor settings wrong? Is the sound of the piano the right one? (So many options.) And: I want to go to sleep. And: We will not finish this. This is all taking too long. And it is MY fault. I planned this wrong. I overestimated myself. I wrote TOO MANY SONGS. I decided all this. and decisions are HELL.
And: how did this fucking chorus go? I kept skipping lines, or more often, play another repetition when I was due to play the ending. That´s a very typical symptom for my brand of depression, by the way.
I did it, in the end.
We went to a bar, had food, drank shandy, geeked out about the BBC Sherlock Holmes as a high functional sociopath while I was thinking: I am a high functional depressive. How long will this work?
It won´t for very much longer if I don´t talk about it.
So here goes.
My face feels like lead. I smile, and laugh, but it is a huge effort.
I feel like I'm radiating sadness so everyone falls silent whenever I enter the room. Probably not remotely true.
I feel guilty, for being slow, indecisive, sloppy, overreacting, for mistakes, for things that haven't even happened yet. I feel guilty for being guilty.
There is absolutely no reason for me to feel bad. I am a loved and privileged person. I have the incredible and incredibly rare gift to be who I want to be, to do what I want to do, to know that I'm loved no matter what, and be here with people I love and appreciate, and who do everything to make me feel comfortable and to support me, and everything is just going perfectly splendid and is a lot of fun.
So I as well feel guilty for being depressive. Even if it's just a few chemicals in my brain. And even if I'm the person suffering here, I feel like I'm making everyone's life miserable.
There´s still a lot I didn´t tell. But a lot more than I have ever told anyone. Except in my songs.
I love you <3