DC Comics Presents: Titans Hunt #1

Ugh. Look at those nasty greasy fingerprints already smeared all over this thing.

I am not going to do a proper commentary on a 100-page super spectacular. How much free time do you think I have?! Also, I'm fairly certain those disgusting fingerprints were from the jerk at the local comic book store who bagged this thing before I bought it.

Stop pissing in the water and do something to fucking help, Aqualad!

As you can see, the issue begins with Robin's skull about to be smashed upon some rocks. Aqualad is too scared to get out of the water because he dries up in mere minutes and dies if nobody spits on him. And Kid Flash isn't able to outrun Mister Twister's weird wind funnel. This scene starts off the comic book but we all know it's going to flash back to an earlier time before Robin's imminent death. And when this scene actually does take place, it'll be totally different than it's portrayed here. Hopefully part of the difference will be that Aqualad never says "Leaping mantas!"

In the above scan, Aqualad actually looks like I do when I'm trying to acclimate myself to cold water because dipping your balls in is the most shocking part. And Aqualad has just gotten to that point.

Wow! Hatton Corners is my favorite place in the DC Universe!

Finally, a mayor with some common sense! Down with teenagers! Fuck them right in their stupid asses! I mean, don't literally do that! That's probably against the law! It might sound like a sexy crime but teenagers aren't worth having sex with at all. The males are no good at it and the females don't yet realize how freaky they'll be when they hit thirty-four! Who wants to have sex with a teenager when they've yet to realize how awesome rimming is? Both giving and getting!

Meanwhile in a piece of shit barn at the edge of town, the mayor's son is organizing a teenage strike if they don't get their teen clubhouse! Oh no! A strike of teenagers?! Who will roll their eyes and act rudely when asked simple questions?! Who will smoke in the park thinking they're the bees knees?! Who will do chores so poorly that the parents wind up just doing them over again?! Who will awkwardly fondle each other over their clothes while kissing like over-aggressive puppies?!

Batman reads about the teenagers' strike and calls them spoiled brats right in Robin's face. Robin gets his green underpants in a bunch and calls Batman a square! Don't think you're too big of a superhero not to get thrown over the old bat-knee, Robin! Batman doesn't want to hear Robin's thoughts on teenager rights so he lets him go to Hatton's Corner to bother the adults there.

The Flash also doesn't get it but he allows Kid Flash to head over to help the teenagers show those adults what's what. And down in the ocean, an eel nearly dies from teenagers throwing garbage into the sea.

Whoa! I just thought Aqualad died if out of water for more than an hour. But he ceases to exist!

Robin, Kid Flash, and Aqualad arrive at Hatton Corners to find the teen clubhouse demolished by some fantastic wind and the teenagers gone! They've gone on strike and they left a note for the adults. But Robin sees through the note and realizes it was written by an adult because the note said "music" instead of "jive." I caught that too, Robin! I was reading it and thinking, "That sounds like adult-speak if I've ever heard it! Plus the note was super legible and all the words were spelled correctly. So it couldn't have been written by a teenager. Also the note was stained yellow from pee and teenagers can hold their piss far better than adults!"

While the Teen Titans search for the teenagers, Mister Twister attacks Hatton Corners with a tornado! I guess now that he's gotten rid of all the meddling kids, his plan is foolproof! I don't know what his plan is yet but I'm sure it has something to do with robbing something. It's at this point that the opening scene actually takes place and, of course, it's nothing like the initial set-up. Kid Flash saves Robin easily while Aqualad is off talking to a bunch of fish.

This scene would have been more romantic if Wally hadn't just called Dick fat.

Mister Twister reveals his plan for Hatton's Corners: revenge! Or something. Okay, he still isn't very clear but he wants revenge and he wants what's owed him. I guess Robin is going to have to do some investigating to find out what Mister Twister wants. But that won't take place until Chapter Two!

It's now time for Chapter Two which begins with the adults lamenting the loss of the teenagers! Oh how foolhardy they were not to appreciate the nonsense the kids got up to when they were around! Playing the jukebox too loud! Well, that isn't that great a complaint because the stupid owner of the malt shop controls the volume on that thing. The owner of the malt shop is also upset that they messed his place up but isn't that what happens when you're selling ice cream?! Poor fucking bald asshole had to clean up after making crazy bread selling fries and malts to kids all day long?! What an ingrate!

A policeman is sad that he doesn't get to chase them around town anymore and beat the shit out of them when he catches them. And the other adults are just plain bored. They'd do anything to get the teenagers back! Idiots.

Robin does his due diligence and detectives up the place.

Jacob Stikk was an idiot and a pedophile. I bet he drove the Passenger Pigeons extinct just to get his pervy mitts on everybody's kids!

Now years later, Brom Stikk, descendant of Jacob Stikk, has returned demanding his Passenger Pigeon feathers! But the town didn't have any to give him so they just laughed at him and wiped their asses with the rental agreement. That's when Brom Stikk decided to steal the teenagers and put them to work on Goat Island! Of course Robin figures out where the teenagers are so that the Titans can ride a Leaping Manta across the bay and save the kids.

Aqualad notices that the island is perched on a tiny pillar of rock so he enslaves a bunch of whales and forces them to break the pillar and carry the island away from its original location. Now Mister Twister has no leverage to deal with the adults of Hatton's Corner! Surely this is the end of his diabolical scheme! Find out in Chapter Three!

It's now time for Chapter Three which is called "The Town That Would Not Die!" I guess that's supposed to sound defiant as opposed to terrifying? Although I'm not sure how bad off the town is without its teenagers. That sounds like the kind of town that's thriving! I mean, sure, the roller rink would probably close down but that sounds like a small price to pay for peace and quiet.

Whew! All of this sex talk is making me horny!

And then Mister Twister makes some tactical errors or something and he's ultimately defeated by Robin because Robin has no powers and Mister Twister forgets all about him. Hooray! The good guys won! There was more to the story but it hardly matters, right? As long as Mister Twister paid for his crimes and the teenagers learned to respect the adults and the adults learned that if they built a clubhouse, the teenagers would be out of their hair completely, everybody lived happily ever after!

Being a 100-page super spectacular, it contains several more stories to read. I was about ready to pass out from exhaustion when I finished up the Mister Twister story which is why I explained it so unsatisfactorily. Although I'd argue that Bob Haney is the one who really made the ending unsatisfactory! Really. A story about teenagers and adults which ends with both parties respecting each other? Unheard of!

The second story is called "The Beast-god of Xochatan!" That sounds familiar. I think I've read this one before! Judging from the introduction, it sounds like it must be the story from the original Teen Titans #1. I could ask Lord Google but I'm too busy! I really should be reading Green Lantern #47 right now but no! The collector's need for completion I inherited from my mother is really kicking in hard today! Must read and write about old shitty Teen Titans stories!

Dry up, Aqualad!

The Teen Titans have been asked to join the Peace Corps to help save some people in the Peace Corps. I guess everything in the Peace Corps is top secret and only members are given access to information about them. I don't know much about the Peace Corps because I'm against joining cults. I also don't have that need to do things that I can self-righteously brag about to make people feel like lazy assholes. "Oh, you were partying in your early twenties and getting laid and having a generally all-around grand time exploiting your youth and freedom? Well, I was doing things that mattered!"

It seems Aqualad is only on the team so that Robin can get a break from spouting ridiculous interjections: Leaping mantas! Suffering sunfish! Leaping lionfish! Suffering sharks! As you can see, he's not quite as imaginative as Robin though.

Fuck you, Wonder Girl! Who told you to think?! Just bat your huge fake eyelashes and look pretty!

Wonder Girl is allowed to place a new pin in the Peace Corps' map of world domination though. Also she has much bigger boobs than I expected. I hope she's not too "teen" so that I'm only breaking the law in the majority of states by being sexually attracted to her. Also she's fictional so I have that going for me.

After putting a pin in the map for some reason, the Cult Leader says, "You're not really in yet! Come along--indoctrination starts immediately!" What an innocent and carefree time it was when the word "indoctrination" didn't have seriously creepy undertones! "Right team! Let's go get indoctrinated! For the USA!"

The news that the Teen Titans have joined a cult quickly spread to their guardians!

"Don't you dare try to speak with the king! Write the news on your fucking news-shell and deliver it like a proper messenger!"

I tried to ignore Aquababy but I couldn't do it. Aquababy?! AQUABABY?! How come Mera is the only one in this relationship who gets a real name?! And, let's face it, that isn't the worst thing in the above scan. Why is a there a man on Paradise Island in charge of delivering outside news? What better way for a civilization of women to be influenced by the patriarchy? And do Hippolyta and Diana usually stand around watching the news get carved into one stone so that they can know what's happening before everybody else?

Meanwhile in Xochatan, a bunch of Latino stereotypes have angered a giant robot conquistador by not giving it enough fruit and vegetables. Luckily the Teen Titans are parachuting in to save the day! Kid Flash lands on the Conquistador's helmet and runs around the brim super fast. I'm not sure the robot even notices. Then Robin throws a smoke bomb in its face because robots probably hate imagining they're inhaling smoke and also probably don't have optics that allow it to see through smoke. Good moves, guys! I hope Aqualad has the wherewithal to talk to some piranha and asked them what they think about the robot.

Robin's smoke bomb only makes a smokescreen which enables the giant robot to disappear in a cliff face. While the Teen Titans try to unravel the mystery of the disappearing giant robot, let me bring up another mystery! How the fuck did Aqualad survive the plane trip to South America? Was he sitting in a tub of water on the plane? How embarrassing.

Wonder Girl's super power is either intuition, gas, or spontaneous orgasm. Two out of three of those are totally sexist. So I hope it's gas.

In the next panel, one of the boys says, "Oh come on, W.G.! Don't pull that woman's intuition stuff on us!" And then another woman in the crowd says, "I feel it, too!" If she has the same power, maybe she can become Wonder Girl's sideick!

A bulldozer slides down the hill nearly crushing everybody before plunging into the river. Great! An opportunity for Aqualad to be useful! Save the bulldozer, Aqualad! Save it!

This is just fucking embarrassing. Somebody told Aqualad that being able to exist out of water for only an hour was "an ability."

Aqualad ties Wonder Girl's lasso to the bulldozer and she hauls it out of the river. Is her lasso exactly the same as Wonder Woman's? I mean, of course it is because Wonder Girl was just young Wonder Woman until she wasn't! I guess the lasso is one of those artifacts that has a backup just in case the first one is eaten by a hydra.

Dude, she's like thirteen. I can ogle her because she's on a different plane of reality than I am. You're on the same plane so you're a creepo perv.

I don't even know what Robin is hinting at in the panel above. Is Wonder Girl going to rap next?

Robin uses his detective brain to figure out that the cliff where the robot disappeared was hollow so they head back to investigate. Kid Flash does the vibration trick that Linda will eventually love and disappears into the cliff face. Seconds later, he's chased out by the robot! Why? I don't know yet! I'm sure the evil mastermind behind this entire plot will explain it in a few pages. I just hope the villain isn't Juan Valdez! He was one of the Latino stereotypes earlier.

Just before the second chapter ends, a jaguar with the face of a man exits the pyramid to play with Kid Flash. It's just as fast as Kid Flash so he can't lose it until he runs into the ancient labyrinth he finds in the jungle. Handy those ancient labyrinths!

Wonder Girl battles a bird with a human face and Aqualad battles a serpent with a human face. They kill some of them and Wonder Girl loses her lasso for good (or until next issue) before they finally find and defeat the man behind it all!

Wait. Are the Teen Titans really just the Scooby Gang?

So the Teen Titans first big enemy in their own series was Don Matanzas, a balding French man with a love of oppressing the poor! Maybe he wasn't actually French but he kept saying "ze" which totally sounds French to me. At least the way I read it.

The next story is "The Secret Olympic Heroes" which totally sounds like boring bullshit especially since it stars Speedy! Fucking Roy Harper! At least I don't have to worry about him Narration Boxing in this old comic.

The story begins with America's best hope to win all of the Olympic track events running away. And since he's the best runner America has, nobody can catch him! He simply disappears while his dad yells, "Davey! This person calling you right now is me! Your dad! You know, your father! The person who impregnated your mother! I'm calling you with my voice! That's the voice you hear right now! It's mine! Your dad's voice! DAVEY!"

Christ, Wonder Girl! Put your dick back in your pants.

Via their private television station, the Teen Titans get a plea from Davey's father to help his son. Aqualad does his thing and yells "Holy Hammerheads!" That's a new one. Better yet, Wonder Girl says, "Suffering Sappho!" Between that exclamation and her pants-ruining moment looking at Davey's picture, I'd say it's official that Wonder Girl is bisexual.

Before anybody can react to Wonder Girl's sapphic revelation, an intruder intrudes! But it's only Speedy! Batman squealed and told Green Arrow the secret location of the Teen Titans' Clubhouse. He needed to find them so he could tell them all that he's going to be in the Olympics! Well, he's not actually going to be in any of the actual events since it's probably cheating to have a superhero compete. Even if the superhero doesn't have any superpowers and is actually just really good at shooting a bow just like the athletes that will be competing in the Olympics. Anyway, Roy has a sad story about some international organization called Diablo trying to wreck the Olympics. Who cares?!

Did every issue of the Teen Titans present some kind of propaganda for young kids to embrace? The first issue taught them about how America helps the world via the Peace Corps and how teenagers should get along with adults. Now I'm being told that the Olympics aren't about winning competitions and flaunting your gold medals in rival countries' faces but about friendship and sporting rivalries! But the jokes on the writers because the Olympics are so boring that I can't be bothered to buy into their patriotic nonsense! Plus they decided to make it even more boring by having the story star Speedy!

Eventually something happens or whatever. I think the Olympics were saved and Speedy wasn't invited to be a proper member of the Teen Titans.

There's one more story but I've gone on way too long as it is on a book that has no connection to the DC You! I think I'm just going to go to sleep now. Good night! May all the boys and girls of the world dream about Wonder Girl! But only if your dreamhead makes her the appropriate age for whatever sick things you're going to do to her in your sleep. Goodbye!