Dead In the Water
 
This is just a run off sentence with bad grammar and punctuation of how I’m feeling and why.

So I’ll start with a little about myself. Im a 34 year old male from Pawtucket, Rhode Island, I have no kids I have no family I have not much of anything except for a shot box 95 sentra and a pizza delivery job for the pizza monster company that is Dominos. I have a girlfriend that is awesome in every way possible and im lucky to have met her but when i get in the dark funk of depression nothing at all is appreciated. I turn into a dark cloud of hatred because my life isn’t working in a way that I would like it to. The things that make my thoughts so dark are the fact that I have to work for a company that doesn’t pay for sick days even if you work 90 hours a week and the fact that i drive around the horrible pothole filled crumbling streets of providence with this little shit box of a car thats falling apart faster than I can fix it makes me want to jump out of a window or take a handful of sleeping pills and find some train tracks to fall asleep on. I can’t make it I wont makes it and it hurts to know that the passion and desire to do something i love is there but the opportunity to do something that I wouldn’t consider work isn’t going to happen. I lose all hope for my self and i get so down on my life that i ask why am i still trying? I drive this little crappy car everyday and its only because i have to work to pay bills I have to live to work instead of work to live. The worst part is the fact that no matter how hard I try to get ahead i fall ten steps back. Now the problem is the IRS debt i owe. I owe them almost 6 thousand dollars and I drive a shit box and live in a third floor apartment with no tv no luxuries nothing i have nothing and the fact that i am piling up with debt is only my fault but i never had anyone to teach how to survive in this capitalist society. I get that you should be allowed to make whatever you want as a company but what about the people who make it possible for you to do so. They get treated like shit so CEOs can cruise around in yachts or to go down the latter a couple rungs even the franchise owners wont do anything to help while they drive around in 50 thousand dollar trucks and are completely ignorant to the fact that someone is driving around in a 300 dollar junker on streets that will tear up any car if driven on long enough. I get it i sound like a cry baby who is looking for a handout and thats exactly what i dont want, I just want some help some recovery time and enough income to not have to debate whether suicide as a option. I wouldn’t want some handout what i would want is a opportunity to showcase my loyalty and work ethic to a job that will reward those characteristics with more than 3 dollars an hour and tips! What about a hey that car looks rough is there anything i can help you fix here how about a bonus for driving these shitty streets 45 hours a week hers a voucher for a mechanic to at least give it a diagnosis. How is anyone supposed to get ahead when they feel like giving up is the only option and saying goodbye to this weird twisted world of haves and have nots. I wont win this game with these cards and no one even cares about their fellow humans life problems unless its to belittle their ideas and identity. The IRS doesn’t give a shit if you haven’t eaten in 3 days they want that money no matter what and yeah i get it i got myself in the debt but things don’t always seem as they appear. Wouldn’t it make more sense to make sure these independent contractor companies don’t leave the worker out in the cold because they dont want to pay for benefits or workers comp so they hire you as a sub and thats a reason to say well he doesn’t work for the company he’s a sub contracted worker. So again instead of the Internal Revenue Service looking into how you earned the revenue and how come someone who can’t even feed himself is supposed to pay back a 6000 dollar debt they say pay us or we will take it from you like bullies. I never figured out life so why should i try to. It doesnt make sense that everyone cares about people’s opinions to the point that they will run them over with a car and could give a shit less about how the person is living on 200 dollars a week. With prices of everday basic essentials are unaffordable what is someone supposed to do to get ahead. What about that draining of life energy from barely scrapping by how can i lace my boots and keep moving when i cant even afford laces let alone boots. Why is ok for people to criticize thoughts and opinions and not criticize living conditions and why those conditions are so horrible wouldnt that make more sense to ask why are people living like dogs than to criticize them for thinking like animals. I would wake up loving life if i had the opportunity to change peoples lives who are like mine. Their would not be anything better than to be able to pay my bills eat healthy and help others do the same. Money isn’t the answer all the time. The people who have the most money aren’t happy because they never get the self satisfaction of helping the less fortunate or even teaching the under privileged or uneducated helping people who have nothing would be my fortune if i could. I understand that life isn’t fair but that cliche is dumb because your life could make someone else’s fair if you put that bullshit aside and ask people who have nothing how can I help you get ahead and would you want to help other people how to get ahead if you could. The people who have seen the dark would come to the light if they could help others that are in the situation of helplessness get help. There isn’t any logical reason why these major corporations cant help people it makes no sense that someone who doesn’t have to worry about how they are going to eat the next meal or pay the electric bill can sit in their lofty house or apartment with two brand new vehicles and watch people who work for the company struggle to live. I doubt anyone will read this and if they do they will probably laugh and call me a cry baby or disagree with me and thats fine i get it you dont care and why would you right? I mean thats what you were taught to say not my problem right? Not me i always look at the less fortunate and i cry because i cant help them because i am them. So ill keep going until my wheels fall off (literally) which will probably be in the next few days because guess what rents due bills are due car repairs are needed food is dry clothes are tattered IRS wants that cash even if I have to sell my ass on the streets to give it them they dont give a fuck they want that money even no matter what your living conditions are and no matter how mentally unstable you they either want the reason that you died and can’t pay or you pay no matter what you have to do. Maybe things will get better but ive waited this long and they are only getting worse because i cant find the power within myself to make things better because the worries of how am i going to survive take over and that is a negative energy that trumps the be positive thoughts that people say you have to have. Its impossible when you don’t have much to look forward to.