Dear Hand Washers,
 
...Of course, you do occasionally see people in the bathroom who are committed to hand sanitation. Most of them look like they should be committed. You know what I'm talking about- these people who wash their hands and then pry open the bathroom door with some combination of long shirt sleeve, elbow, or paper towel as if the door handle were literally made of two tampons and a dog turd stuffed into a used condom. Nice escape, Houdini, but in this case it's like breaking out of a steamer trunk... and into a bigger steamer trunk. What are you going to do after you emerge from the bathroom unscathed? Pull out that traveling germ hotel you call your phone? Sit down at a table that the previous occupant sneezed on? Fiddle with your belt buckle- the same one you contaminated in the stall with your filthy post-poo fingers but then failed to sterilize?...