Dear Josh in 2020,
Firstly congratulations if you're still around to read this - given all the stupid shit you've done through the years it's a genuine surprise you're still here to write this in 2016 at all, let alone read it in 2020. That's not to say you've stopped doing stupid shit, because in case you've forgotten, you still do. A lot. But atleast over the last 4 years since you first found out about Mars One you've been a hell of a lot more focused on why you take ridiculous risks than you ever were. There's a reason to take risks now... even if that reason is so I can live on a cold and unforgiving planet 56 million kilometers away without hope of return. I also spend a lot less time screaming at audiences while wearing a koala suit & playing ukulele now too, which I'm sure most people will agree is a good thing.
A very good thing
The reason I'm writing to you though is because once again it's a) the end of an incredibly eventful year (but every year in your life is ludicrously eventful, so whatever, no biggie) and b) the end of another journal. Now traditionally I'll go back over each diary/journal as I finish it and think "Oh wow, that's right - I forgot that happened?" which then quickly devolves into "Hey, 'member when dat happened? 'member Staaar Waaaars?" and I come out dumber for the experience.
This time around though I've reached the end of my journal and realised some pretty huge things have happened over the last 4 years, so I decided to look a little further back than usual and review all my journals since 2012 to put it everything into context. And while I have a little bit of time to reflect before the chaos of 2017 starts, I also wanted to write a letter to you - decrepit & gross 35-year-old Josh - how much everything has gotten better, about how awesome things are right now, and how I'm sure things are going to keep getting better regardless of Cheeto-Hitler now having the keys to the nuclear launch codes.
How about no? You elected it, you keep it.
You see gross 35-year-old Josh, the 'member berries only work if you just try to remember without any evidence. If you actually go back and review what things were like "back in the good old days" you tend not to look at them quite so fondly. Everyone freaked out about Paul Feig remaking Ghostbusters this year with an all-female cast. Boo haa, women aren't funny, cry cry Paul Feig is ruining our childhoods and whatnot. When I watched the reboot I definitely enjoyed it, but because I didn't laugh hysterically like I did at the original I wondered if I'd become one of those assholes that didn't think women were funny. I mean obviously the original all-male cast were heaps funnier... right? AMIRIGHT?
What has Kate McKinnon ever done that's funny? You know, besides the Upright Citizens Brigade, Saturday Night Live, The Simpsons, Family Guy...
Then I actually re-watched the original Ghostbusters. And you know what? The 2016 version is better. There, I said it: the new Ghostbusters is funnier than the 1984 original. The confusion is just because I'm not growing up with the 2016 version. The original is still an awesome movie, but most of my memories of it being so amazing are tied to the fact I was growing up with it. The 2016 reboot isn't for me - it's for a new generation of kids who want to get excited about ghosts ruining shit. The old Ghostbusters hasn't changed, but watching both with a clear eye it's obvious I have.
Why the hell am I talking about Ghostbuster reboots? Because reviewing the last 4 years of my journals there's been some real surprises realising how I actually felt about things at the time, and realising how hideously skewed (or even completely wrong) my perception of them became over time. Perfect example: an ex-girlfriend you were utterly smitten with, you were convinced had brought a whole new light into your life so strong it made you question your commitment to Mars One, and how you convinced yourself you'd lost the ability to feel that strongly about someone when you ended it after it became clear she didn't love you anymore.
You know who I'm talking about: the second one you wrote a comedy show about because it's cheaper than therapy...
But here's the thing: none of that was real AND YOU KNEW IT AT THE TIME! Sure you were utterly smitten, but reading back over the journal from then you knew right at the start she was only a signpost: someone reflecting how awesome your life is, cheering you on in the right direction, but also not coming with your on the journey. You weren't experiencing a whole new light in your life because of her, you were experiencing it because you were doing what you're supposed to be doing eg. GETTING YOUR ASS TO MARS
Here's Buzz Aldrin & Dave Grohl to remind you in 2020
Reading the actual journal entries (rather than just trying to 'member) you can see it wasn't till months later that you started to lose sight of what was really lighting up your life (being an astronaut candidate for the first human mission to Mars) and mixed up what was important: her, or trying to make humanity a dual-planet species... and that is when the 'member berries started to whisper their juicy but sour lies.
You can also see from the journals that I've been glancing over the fact this wasn't the first time I've fallen into a very similar trap: there's notes on at least two previous relationships in these journals where you faced almost identical challenges. While they weren't all the same intensity they do all mirror each other on some details significantly: I practically dated a clone of that ex 12 months earlier, right down to looks & personality. The only significant difference between the two was the earlier girl wanted to live in Perth to raise a family, so I knew immediately it wouldn't work long-term because the best/worst part of going to Mars is telling everyone in Perth you won't be home for Christmas. Ever.
But here's the good bit: at least each time things went wrong you learnt some of what you needed to avoid doing the exact same thing again. You might only be improving by 1%, but that is still better than the 0% improvement that most people make by sticking with their boring, unchanging "safe" lives. You've probably made a bundle of similar mistakes getting to 2020, and you'll read this letter and say "Oh younger, much more attractive and virile 31 year old Josh - you'll learn the lessons you need to when you are ready". And I'll tell you to shut your old beardy ginger face.
Wait - do you still have the beard? You've had it since you left the RM in 2010, so I'll be devastated if you've gone corporate and shaved it off. I was (and still am) toying with the idea of living out of my backpack on an epic 3,000+ kilometer walk across Siberia or South America or something, keeping a journal of my thoughts and experiences along the way, and I was going to draw inspiration from Sean Conway and let my beard grow into something woolly and epic...
Seriously, my spirit animal is a honey badger with this man's beard
Did you do it? Did find time to go on an epic 3000+km walk and use it as an excuse to grow a ginger hedge on your face? DO PEOPLE CALL YOU GANDALF THE RED NOW? I really hope so.
But whatever you do, remember that even small progress is still progress. You're definitely sharper and more focused now than you have been at any point in the past. Things in the past were NOT as great as they are now, because in the past you hadn't learnt as much as you have now. And that's why I'm jealous of you, gross 35 year old Josh. Sure there are dips here and there, and it can be easy to look back and think you were happier in the past. But when you actually look at what things were like or what you felt in the past, you can see with crystal clarity that over time things have kept getting better and better.
I'm certain a lot of that has to do with writing to publish AND maintaining a journal. Publishing for an audience means I can share my experiences with others so they can learn too, but if I were just writing for an online audience I wouldn't have a record to reflect honestly on how I feel about events and people. Although to be fair I currently have little trouble being honest with people about what I think about them, as my emails to some of the staff at an educational institution I used to work for will show (if you've forgotten what I'm talking about, search your gmail with the keywords "startling incompetence" - you'll find it).
Hopefully in 2020 you're still just as honest, but I equally hope that you've sharpened the tools you need to avoid it getting under your skin when people don't do what they say they will. You're always getting better at it, but the journals make it clear that while you'll give some folks the benefit of the doubt over and over and over again, sometimes things still happen that cause it all to pour out in one hilarious & horrifying email or outburst.
Without a journal - however poorly maintained - I wouldn't be able to look back at different points and see how much of a dickhead I used to be... as I'm sure in 2020 you'll be looking back thinking how much of dickhead I am right now. I can also see how much my writing has improved, and most importantly I can see the ideas that have persisted through the years and the personal values that are obviously most important to me. No matter what crazy things have happened over the last few years, there are ideas and questions you've kept asking throughout all of it:
I hope in 2020 you look back at the end of 2016 and think "Yeah I was still a complete clown back then, but at least I was finally figuring out which basic parts of being a clown are most important to me so I could focus on them". I hope you've spent the 4 years getting to 2020 by ignoring the confetti, not being sucked in by pointless conflict, and by focusing on doing the basics that are most important to you really really well.
Josh in 2016
P.S. You're 35 now, so has that psychic gypsy in New Orleans finally delivered the ginger she said you'd meet and fall in love with between 32 and 35? Not sure how that's supposed to work with you going to Mars, but that's your problem bro.