by Andrew Hilbert
“My leg! My leg! My fucking leg!” I screamed, writhing in agony in the truck bed while Warning sped around like a scared cat behind the wheel. I kept rolling around on the wound. It’d have to be amputated or something. I wasn’t ready to lose the leg I just learned how to walk on.
“Meow!” I could hear Warning say from the driver’s seat. He’s already back on that shit. Perverts, man.
“I look like a fucking freeeeeeak!” I yelled out to an evil and uncaring God.
Warning turned around.
“Look, bud, it’s okay. We all have our place in the world. Sometimes we have to embrace the difference.”
At least he dropped the English accent he had put on. I should get this guy a gift card to a therapist.
“When’s your birthday?” I asked.
“I don’t know. Both my parents were eaten alive by a pack of house cats while they were copulating on my third birthday. I was too young to know. But I think that’s where my mommy issues come from.”
“You think it’s just mommy issues? What about the whole walking around naked and meowing like a cat thing?”
“No. That just makes me horny.”
“Okay,” I said. “I think we need to see Dr. Bolognanon.”
“Already headed that way.”
I recognized the surroundings. We were headed for the mall off of 410. Pretty brazen for a naked dude to roll into the parking garage with half a hard-on driving stick. He went straight to the attendant.
“Yo, bro. You and your dick and your deer need to back the fuck up before I call the police.”
Warning stared deep into the attendant’s eyes and said, “Scan me.”
“Order received.” The attendant pulled out a scanning gun and pointed them into each of Warning’s eyes. In a trance, the attendant said, “Identity confirmed. Please proceed to parking spot 12A for your transferration.”
Warning pulled into 12A and we were immediately lowered into a secret basement.
“This is Bolognanon’s lab. Quick, get into the driver’s seat so he doesn’t know that I’m not actually one of his abominations.”
I tried to stand up but I immediately fell back down. “I can’t walk, man. The truck is stick, I need both legs, and I can’t drive the damn thing anyways with these fucking hooves.”
“Bolognanon is not very observant. He’s just a hack-scientist publishing papers in independent small journals. Sometimes he just self-publishes on his blog: Bolognablog.”
“Wow,” I said, “No wonder everyone ignores him.”
I tried to stand up again.
“Meow, you idiot. You have four legs. Now you have three. Just walk like a fucking deer does and you’ll be fine.”
He was right. I was so dedicated to the idea of appearing human that I thought I was disabled when I lost the last vestige of visible humanity that I had. But nobody knew I was a human anyways. Nobody goes up to a deer and talks to it just because it’s bipedal. All they see is a freak deer that should be shot dead on sight. Fuck humans, man. And fuck deer, too.
“Oh, stop with this fucking charade!” Bolognanon said as his motorized scooter lurched toward us. “I know you’re not a genuine mancat, you idiot. I just thought studying a human with a human brain pretending to have a cat brain amongst other naked mancats would finally break me into the American Psychological Association but they rejected my proposal saying that it was unethical to switch man brains with cat brains and some other hoody-doo. You’re just a pervert who likes to be naked and lick himself. So what? Most men do the same when they’re shitting on the toilet. You just do it in the open. You can stick around. I don’t care.”
Warning was visibly distraught.
“You knew this whole time?”
“Of course I knew. I’m a doctor. I’m a scientist.”
“You’re a god,” Warning bowed. “I will do anything for you.”
“I want your legs,” Bolognanon said. “I want your fucking legs. I’ll take everything from the waist down, in fact. I’m tired of this scooter.”
A rage filled Bolognanon’s eyes. “Do not question he that gave you purpose!”
“I’ll think about it,” Warning said.
“Don’t take too long.” Bolognanon turned to me. “So what’s the problem?”
“I got shot in the leg.”
“What are you doing? Prancing around trying to be a hero or something? Give me a break. Stay out of trouble. I’ll splint that stupid thing. It’ll heal no problem.” Bolognanon turned back to Warning. “Look, if you’re married to your legs, I’ll just transfer your brain into a cat body. You can live as a cat and you won’t ever need legs.”
Warning liked this idea. His excitement showed as it hardened.
“You’re like a dog,” Bolognanon said. “I bet you’d eat your own shit.” He smacked Warning across the face. “I hate you.”
“I’ll do it,” Warning said. His eyes were broken but his erection was not. “I want to be a pussy.”
Bolognanon laughed. He turned to me. “Can you believe this idiot? Nobody calls cats pussies anymore unless they’re just trying to rile up their feminist girlfriend. It’s like a guy calling a female dog a bitch. They do it and then they immediately turn to explain to everyone that it’s okay because it’s a female dog. Everyone in the fucking room gets it and rolls their eyes. But this idiot…” he pointed his finger to Warning, “he’s not even trying to be funny. The joke is for us because he’s the joke.”
After a few feeble attempts to stop his quivering chin, Warning started to cry.
“I’m just trying to be my best self.”
“Shut up!” Bolognanon slapped him again. “I hate you I said! Now, let’s get you drugged up. That waist is mine.”
“Can I pick out what cat I want to be?”
“No. I only have one viable cat left and I think you’ll be well-pleased with it. You like Garfield?”
“Uhhhh…” Warning said but he was interrupted again by a firm, flat-palmed smack to the cheek.
“Shut the fuck up. Nobody likes Garfield. It was a joke. You’d laugh if you weren’t such an idiot. Dilgo! Dilgo! Where are you! Please ready the drugs for our waist transfer!”
“Ow!” I said because it seemed like everyone forgot that we were only here to fix up my leg.
“Oh, yeah.” Bolognanon got up off of his scooter and danced to me.
“I thought you needed new legs?” Warning asked.
“You need to learn the difference between want and need, Warning. You want to be a cat. You don’t need to be. I want new legs. My old legs are boring me to death. But, man, can they dance.” Bolognanon tap danced a little ditty just to rub it in Warning’s face. “Now, shut the fuck up and follow Dilgo.”
Dilgo was a large man. He looked like he was made out of clay. His skin was dry and cracking but he had a constant drool flowing from his mouth. His eyes were crossed and he had an underbite. He was completely bald.
“You follow me,” Dilgo said to Warning. “I make you pussy.”
Bolognanon grabbed my leg. “Does it hurt when I try to hurt it?”
I screamed. I almost kicked him in the face and tore off his nose but I resisted my own instincts.
Bolognanon grabbed a few pieces of wood and some bandage tape. He wrapped it tight and sealed it with a kiss. “Just like mama,” he said. “Don’t do too much on it but it should heal in about four months. If someone shoots you dead, much faster.”
I wasn’t sure I liked Bolognanon’s sense of humor but I had to be patient with it. He is, after all, the key to me figuring out what the fuck I’m meant to be in this world.
“You got a restroom? A shower?” I asked.
“Yeah, but it’s under the Chick-Fil-A.”
“Deer go nuts for peanuts. But they go apeshit for peanut oil. Everything Chick-Fil-A cooks is blessed by a priest and cooked in peanut oil. Everybody knows that. Learned it from Father Daddy. He blesses all the Chick-Fil-A’s in Bexar, Hayes, and Travis counties. He knows damn near everything there is to know about them. He hates gay people, too. But check this out, one of his brains is a gay dude’s.”
“What? I have no idea how this applies to anything having to do with me.”
“You’ll see. You’ll see. Anyways, just follow the water line until you see dripping peanut oil. You’ll see the bathroom.”
I hobbled over to the bathroom and turned on the shower. It’s hard to get a good lather going with hooves but I managed.
I got out of the shower and wrapped a towel around myself. The mirror was fogged up. I took a hoof and tried to clear some of the condensation off. It was no use. I just scratched up the mirror. Squinting my eyes, I couldn’t make out that I was a deer. There was a shadow of my former self there.
“He’s as empty as me,” I said. “Just because I’m a deer now doesn’t mean I was happy then. I’ve always been an empty sack of useless flesh. It doesn’t matter what my bones are wrapped up in.”
With my two front hooves, I shattered the mirror. I took my antlers and charged at the tile walls. I charged and charged and charged until the whole fucking wall was rubble. In the next room was Dilgo hovering over Warning who had clearly changed his mind about the whole operation.
“Meow! Meow! Meow!” he was screaming in a panic.
“Heh-heh.” Dilgo readied what looked like a pizza slicer in the air. “Me make you big pussy!”