Good morning, good afternoon or good evening depending on where you are at in the world! I am of course Blind Tasty, you’re Legally Blind Living blogger extraordinaire. Today we are going to talk about my experiences with dealing with depression after suffering Vision Loss.
So in past blog posts, I explained my situation, but in case you are a new reader, I have a condition called Stargardt’s Disease, Juvenile Macular Degeneration which has left me Legally Blind. What does that mean? I have a blindspot in the middle of my vision at all times and experience light differently then someone with normal vision. There is more to it but after a few blog posts, you may understand it a bit more but I digress back into our topic.
So after a year of waiting on a diagnosis, I finally had and answer but it wasn’t exactly the answer I was looking for, I had hoped that this would just be a rough patch and there would be some sort of cure or surgery to fix what was going on and get back to my normal life. That didn’t go the way I wanted, I was prepared for the worst but let the worst get to me instead of going through with what I had prepared for.
Depression is a tricky thing, sometimes you don’t even know it’s effecting your day to day life until you have gone down the path so far, you don’t know how to get yourself out. This is exactly what happened to your’s truly. I started to stay in more and more, I felt I wasn’t able to do some of the things I had loved to do before. I couldn’t drive anymore, so I no longer had the freedom to just get up and go somewhere like I used to. I lied to myself that it wasn’t as bad as it was, I told myself there was nothing wrong but that lie spiralled out of control.
When you live a lie due to your absolute depression, it changes the way you look at life. You start to be more comfortable telling the ones closest to you that everything is fine, hell you feel comfortable lying to yourself that everything is fine. This wasn’t just for a few months, I lived this lie for years. I let it effect my relationships, my family and those closest to me, when all they wanted to do is help.
Now you’re pro ably wondering what I am exactly talking about? Well for starters, instead of asking for rides to places from some close to me, to maybe go out somewhere fun or do something with friends, I would say I am just staying in or I had plans already. Why? I couldn’t admit to myself early on or even later on that I couldn’t do some of the things I used to or was embarrassed that I couldn’t but in reality, no one close to me cared if I could or not.
But it gets worse, there was a period of time where I was laid off and had enough EI to last quite awhile and took it. I wasn’t making much money, I was relying on my girlfriend at time financially or making poor financial decisions instead of saving money. I would choose drugs or alcohol to numb the pain instead of using that money for a date or a fun time out with friends. I let this continue over and over that it almost became natural. This my friends, is not a way to live your life or to treat someone close to you. If I can convey any message in this, don’t ever lie to the ones closest to, there should never be a reason to do so.
Until next time, take care of yourselves.