Disability & Sexuality Part 1: Illusions

Author’s Note: First, I want to thank Dr. Laurie Betito for requesting this series that ended up becoming so popular. Some of you may have read this series last year, but many people objected that it was hosted by PornHub. 

The exciting news is that I have been given permission to re-post all of them, chapter by chapter right here on Patreon. While they still are packed with “Rated M for mature” content, you won’t find any porn on this Gutsy Dwarf’s pages!

Lastly, a HUGE thanks to all of my patrons: Together, we are helping people.

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I was born with dwarfism, and my  experience of living as a disabled sexual being is best described by my  favorite movie quote of all time. In a scene from the remake of “Casino  Royale”, James Bond is talking to his lover:

Vesper: [smiling] You know, James,  I just want you to know that if all that was left of you was your smile  and your little finger, you’d still be more of a man than anyone I’ve  ever met.

James Bond: [sitting in a wheelchair next to her, outside a clinic] That’s because you know what I can do with my little finger.

To put it bluntly:  DISABILITY IS AN ILLUSION.

What people think of us is never a  true reflection of who we are and what we can achieve. The negative  opinions that often surround the label “disabled” has far more negative  impact on our lives than our actual disability.  

What is closer to the truth is that  every individual has abilities and limitations that change from year to  year, month to month, and sometimes, day by day. What worked yesterday  might not work tomorrow.  

We all have constantly varying  degrees of abilities, limitations, needs, wants, and yes, SEXUAL  DESIRES. Instead of being judged by our apparent limitations, we prefer  to be judged by our abilities, both in and out of the bedroom.

Limitations Liberate

My radical concept that “limitations  liberate” comes from people who use limitations as a way to  boost creativity. Painting with just one color, composing a song with  just four notes, or like Dr. Seuss, writing a poem with as few words as  possible: Limitations can lead to exciting results!

With respect to the sexual athletes  seen in porn movies, what they do is impressive and can be exciting to  watch. But what we – the less mobile – can do in the bedroom is even  more impressive, if we pay close attention to what is going on.

Using our limitations creatively, we  can come to a better understanding of how sexual “disabled” people can  truly be. I speak from experience: Like James Bond, I have achieved some  awesome orgasms, and given orgasms to my partners, with just one  finger.

Redefining Sexuality 

Another quote I love comes from the  Yankees baseball legend Yogi Berra:  “Baseball is ninety percent mental  and the other half is physical.” 

Although Mr. Berra's math was hilariously wrong, sex CAN be like baseball:  90% mental, and 10%  physical. By realizing that sex is mostly experienced in the mind,  limitations literally cease to matter, as we explore the lesser known and often ignored aspects sensual pleasure.

We can all benefit by broadening  our definition of “having sex”. While it can include intercourse  followed by orgasm, the experience of our sexuality can be so much more!  

My Ideas

Some of the things that have worked  for me are common sense, but I feel that they become more important as  we get older. So here it is at last folks, my list of ideas that have  helped my love life:

  • Sexy Sleep:  I try to get lots of sleep. It can be a real turn-on to have a good nap  on the couch, especially when there’s a window and warm sunshine.  I  feel much more like an old cat nowadays than the horny dwarf I used to  be.  But when this cat wakes up: Woohoo!
  • Get Healthier:  A good diet and exercise improves most everything, including libido.   Remember that one finger I mentioned early?  Get started, because it  will need some stamina when you make love!
  • Open and Communicative:  Be open-minded and communicative with your partner.  Be specific and  clear about any limitations, likes and dislikes: No surprises!
  • Improve Relationships:  Work on other aspects of your relationships. Unhappiness of any sort on  either side is a real big turn off. Deal with problems outside the  bedroom, before you head towards it.
  • Scheduling Intimacy:  Spontaneity is great, but physical pain has a way of draining that sort  of energy. Whenever possible, schedule according to your energy levels.  I like scheduling because it lets me build anticipation: Watch porn,  read erotica, or daydream about your lover.  
  • De-emphasize goals:   Although intercourse and orgasms are wonderful, it’s more about  helping each other feel good. Focus on overall pleasure. The other stuff  might happen, but it’s not critical.  
  • Massages and Strokes:  Massage each other. Focus on targeting areas your partner enjoys. Relax  and take your time. If you can’t execute massaging techniques, explore  other sensations. Use feathers, silk scarves, furry things, or whatever  else feels nice.
  • TOYS ‘R SEXY:  Online shopping is SO EASY! Research, review ratings and then buy and  USE sex toys, both his and hers: Dildos, silicone vaginas, and lube,  it’s all good! Be open and flexible. Make toys part of your routine.
     
    • When intercourse is difficult or  impossible due to physical limitations, taking turns “assisting” each  other to masturbate can be very intimate and intense.
    • When I say “sex toys”, that also  includes proper furniture, harnesses, pillows, benches, specialty  chairs, or WHATEVER else it takes to make your body comfortable for sex  play.  Making love should be as comfortable as possible. If the living  room couch is best for you, kick the family out when you and your  partner are in the mood!
  • Take Your Time: Like enjoying a fine wine, take your time! Fast and furious has its place in life, but slow and steady can also be very nice.
  • Review Positively: Like  serving a meal, sexual experiences vary in quality. It’s okay to review,  gently and lovingly. What worked?  What didn’t? More of this, and less  of that please! And always compliment the chefs (each other) on what  felt good!  
  • Bonding Afterwards:   Everyone’s different, but after the sex is over, spend time together  doing something else you enjoy. Watch a movie, play games, or just read  and cuddle together.
  • MOST IMPORTANTLY, NO MEANS NO:   Those of us with disabilities can be more vulnerable than  non-disabled, both physically and emotionally. Make saying “NO” totally  acceptable.  EVERYONE needs to feel safe about stopping at any given  point. Offer support and understanding when someone stays “STOP” or  “NO”. Men are allowed to say “NO” also.  I got spooked once, and had to say “NO”. It happens.

Thanks for reading, and feel free to share your thoughts!

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