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DISASTER MIND, BE GONE!
Disaster Mind, Be Gone!                           January 18, 2016

FREEWellness Meditation Coloring Page & Bloggy Post for Survivors

(A SheilaLynnK Art Studio Patron~Supported Release~Printable Coloring Page pdf attached. Enjoy!) 

About midway through theFIRE30 Day Journal ProjectAND, coincidentally, exactly in a moment (read as, “weeks”) when I was plummeting to a most-recent all time creative low… Lisa Sonora posts,“When sparks fly between people, there is a palpable, kinetic connection.I'm not talkingabout the spark of romance, but the spark between kindreds.When you meet someone and there is a mutual affinity, kind of a mutual recognition.This can also happen when you come into contact with someone's body of work, such as a work of art, a movie, or a book.When this happens, stay alert to what ideas, feelings, thoughts or actions are sparked.Especially if you've felt cold, or numb, your own inner flame dim. What and who rekindles your flame? It's good to remember this, so you can draw upon these resources when you need them.”

The flame was getting pretty dim.

Knowing I needed to vent I took out my “For My Eyes Only” journal and began free writing…for over an hour.  At the end, there was Anger, Frustration,Grief, and Aggravation tainted with guilt over being so self-absorbed…and tears.Coming up for air, I reviewed what I had written. I noticed a word that kept repeating through the text.

ALONE

I recognized this was my cue to tap into the connectivity available to me. Sensing the Aloneness moving in a few weeks ago; I signed up for the Sistership Circle

Summit.  It was almost over and I still hadn’t found or made the time to jump in. CLEARLY, I NEEDED TO CHECK IT OUT.

Turns out this was just the thing I needed to move into a connected, healing, focused place for my Wellness. I am not single. I am in a committed, loving

relationship with a kind and generous soul. However, the wounds recurring are

far BEFORE and WAY BEYOND Him or the expectations which should be placed on any partner and he cannot be held accountable for the repair and maintenance.  Which, I guilt-fully realize, leaves Him in a lonely, helpless place at a loss to assist me in any way…

 I realized the irrational part of me was maybe holding it against him a little bit that he Cannot Help with this. He can’t fix it. An ingrained,subconscious, conditioned, illogical resentment for that lack was building and I was retreating from our relationship. I owe it to both of Us to do this work. In the FIREY journaling I was doing, I kept asking WHO would possibly be trustworthy, knowledgeable, and forcefully-strong enough to step in and watch over me during this fearful moment. Mindfully going down the list and acknowledging the limitations and other obligations of the people in my most intimate circle…I simply couldn’t think of anyone who could be available to shelter me during this potentially vulnerable event. Then in a moment of flowing, clear, bold, solid, and isolated print, I wrote,

“Mom could if she were still here.” Wow! And I had no conscious idea, until that very moment, that this was still a wound I was working through! {She died in 1994 of Breast Cancer. She was 42. I was 23~ honorably discharged from the Army with three children and a failing marriage.} 

The second revelation that came with the writing of this gut-wrenching need for her guidance and assistance was...After almost NINE years; I am STILL working through the trust issues related to the  medical injury in 2007 .  

In that time I have been sharing the Medical, Legal, and Creative  journey of my Survival to Empower Myself and My  Fellow Survivors  to the point that I allowed myself the belief that  this was a non-issue for me now. And…

 PSYCHE! There IT is!

“If You Are Going Through Hell, Keep Going  ” ~Winston Churchill


Should we really EVER feel like we need to have somebody around to protect us from our Care Providers??? What is up with THAT?

CLEARLY TIME TO CALL IN THE CAVALRY! 

I spent the day and well into the evening revisiting  work inspired by my Go To Gurus  and LISTENING to the New-to-Me voices of the Sistership Circle  .  As I listened to Tanya’s  interview with Heatherash Arama , she spoke  of her “Disaster Mind”. I AGREED. I have ONE OF THOSE! It is the part of our intellect which imagines and/or remembers tragic or traumatic experiences and super-imposes them upon the potential of the NEW ones. Until we find ourselves pulling back to an action-less stand still. 

UGH!

DISASTER MIND HAD TAKEN OVER MY LIFE THESE LAST FEW WEEKS AND I COULDN’T SHAKE IT!

So, I kept LISTENING to this OH!-So-Timely reminder to Open Up to Receive what is out there reminding me to, “Trust Myself, My Own Wisdom, My Own

Grace, and My Own Strength in this year of Global Humanhood.”   The Power of that Circle of Connection brought relief.  

I have been suffering from a severe lack of Faith. Logically, Spiritually, and Emotionally, I know that no matter where it comes from, whatever the origins  of our Faith; Humans are at a Loss without it. 

We are the Survivors of ALL that has come before Us.

 Yesterday, last night, and today I opened up to Receive the Wellness From the Universe and LISTENING to its Voice~ It’s Messengers from the Ether as well as My virtual Tribe~ Brought Me Home to Myself. 

Welcome Home !

The Disaster Mind Be Gone Doodle was a meditative drawing which evolved as I Paused to Listen and to Be Creative Every Day

ABOUT THE  SEEMINGLY ~OBVIOUS TRIGGER TO MY DOWNWARD SPIRAL

The day after Halloween, I developed pain behind my left knee. Okay. No cause for panic. This is my weak leg since the spinal cord injury. So pain in it is not uncommon. But, I learned my lesson several years ago about dismissing Every Pain as a result of that nerve damage. So we checked it out. …and kept checking it out as the Swelling and pain increased. Went to my GP. Went for Ultrasound. No Blood Clot. Went for X-Ray. No bone damage. All clear.

 Spinal Adhesive Arachnoiditis presents daily pain obstacles…So, adding New Mostly- Un-related Pain to that equation makes it more difficult for me to maintain the distraction and pain management measures I have developed over time. 

Swelling and Discolor Persists. DISASTER MIND TAPS ON THE DOOR 

Went for MRI. Nurse says, “Torn Meniscus. Go to Orthopedist.”  

DISASTER MIND TAPPING LOUDER .. Received the MRI report. The nurse left a few things out of her “summary” of the situation. And…looks like things are kind of a mess in there. DISASTER MIND GETS ALL THE WAY THROUGH THE DOOR  HERE.  

THE TRIGGER THAT FLUNG THE DOOR WIDE OPEN…

(Apologies if you know this stuff already.) In March 2007, I went to the hospital for a ‘routine right knee arthroscopy” to repair a work-related knee injury (a.k.a. torn meniscus)which occurred while I was playing basketball with my students. During the “routine spinal block” I was given intrathecal (direct injection into the spinal fluid) 5% lidocaine. (Later, I discovered this drug is NOT FDA

approved for spinal use.)  Afterward, I developed Chemical Meningitis which went

undiagnosed for months until I developed Arachnoiditis. Which, eventually

became and was diagnosed as Spinal Adhesive Arachnoiditis in the Thoracic and

Lumbar Spine. Permanently disabled during the course of these events I  was deemed unemployable and unworthy of my current relationships. 

Recovery and Rehabilitation ensued. 

I kept Living and Working with Arachnoiditis at home. Earned a vocational rehabilitation small biz grant in 2011 to open my own Art Studio. In 2013, I had my

first Public Exhibit since the injury and opened my Independent Art Studio to the

Public for the Allegany Artisan Studio Tour. In 2014 I launched the Art For Arachnoiditis Project. Studio Business has been slowly moving forward. To “Now Me” it is Clearly NOT as fast as the “Former Me” would have done it. Once-Routine Activities always have the potential to present obstacles. But, I believe that I am successfully adapting to THAT and living my Lessons Learned  . 

As I am currently in pursuit of more Organic Healing and Recovery methods, I do balance it with Knowledgeable  input from Modern Medicine. I doubt it is any secret though that I may not be Open to any Invasive Modern Medical Practice.

 So, Disaster Mind reads the MRI report... Researches the terminology and quietly comprehends that the damage is likely caused by the multiple falls during the first few years of "Recovery".  Disaster Mind suspects ANOTHER KNEE SURGERY~ on the Until-Now-Believed-To-Be-"Healthy"- Knee~ is imminent. 

Although I know one person’s forgiven-not-forgotten mistake does NOT necessarily mean a different person will make that same mistake; in the “For My Eyes Only” journal entry, I write at length about trying to find a way AND a person to record the surgery who will  watch over me while I am unconscious at the mercy of a practitioner functioning within the parameters of the Accepted Average Standard of Medical Care in America.

Yep…that one …The Surgery That I Don’t Even Know For Sure Will Happen… has taken over my Purpose. FEAR IS A POWERFUL THING. 

In spite of extensive counseling and healing work over the last nine years; Thanks to DISASTER MIND~ IN WALKS THE SCREAMING REALIZATION OF MY LACK OF FAITH AND TRUST FOR/IN THE MEDICAL PRACTITIONERS AND THE ENTITIES WHICH GUIDE THEM.

Surgery or no surgery…this is a LIFE-INTERFERING-THING to be addressed….ASAP. And so I am

Invoking . Receiving. Gifts .... 

DISASTER MIND BE GONE!

~Patrons Make Art Happen. Thank you! 

January 26, 2016 update... Yep, I have to have the surgery...it's a mess in there. ~Following Up with  Tips on How to Trust Your Doctor (a.ka. "Any Medical Practioner") After A Medical Injury"

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