I tried to find an hour yesterday to catch up as my inbox was cluttered with year end reflections & New Year intentions but I was biking all over Brooklyn in the rain - first to therapy, then to teach my piano lessons.
I woke up excited this morning thinking of what we've done in 2018, how we we created a strong groundwork for an exciting 2019 while also being so fulfilling and challenging in it's own right...
But personally, the significance of what we've been through together comes down to this:
After about ten years of trying desperately to become the artist I've always wanted to be, I realized that I AM FINALLY THAT MAN.
I feel capable and confident I can make the music that needs to be made and more than ever, I believe I'm curating a community of like minded people, both fellow artists as well as fans, friends and well wishers (like you!)
I now have no doubt that making music and art is my life's mission and I will do this for my entire earthly existence - regardless of my level of 'success'
This change of perspective is due to many things:
1. Therapy - I have been keeping a weekly appointment to speak with a mental health professional. The last time I did this was over a decade ago when I had been released from the hospital after a severe bipolar episode & now is the first time I'm speaking about my actual life and not just symptoms. My first session was about how much of a failure I feel and now I'm celebrating the steps I've taken and the successes I'm preparing for in 2019.
2. Spirituality / Positive Thinking: I learned in therapy that I've trained myself to think negatively - to expect bad things and and not get my hopes up. I did this as a child when I was a competitive gymnast, deciding I would always expect failure (while working my ass off to win) so I would never be upset when I didn't succeed but only pleasantly surprised when I did. It was a way of protecting myself but ultimately, it trained me to never take pride in my successes, to never look forward to my goals and sadly, have low self-worth regardless of any attributes. No wonder I hit a wall last year...
3. This Patreon tells me that there are people who care about what I do and want me to keep creating - who trust that I will use their support to make quality music and take them on a meaningful journey. I've stopped seeking validation from the 'industry' and am playing to the hearts and minds of people who actually listen to my music.
Do you remember my post about Positive Affirmations and Louise Hay a few months back? I've slowly been retraining my mind to love myself, the world around me and to expect only the best. I used to think it was silly to believe the world gave us back what we put out there but after achieving many of my goals and still feeling like such a failure at 35, I was ready to try anything. I still have a lot of work to do but am already a much happier, excited person that is attracting like minded people.
PRETTY AWESOME, RIGHT?
Which leads me back to the headline of this post 'How I Beat My Imposter Syndrome' -
By now I think you have a pretty good idea of what I mean by that phrase, it originally came to my attention from Amanda Palmer's excellent book 'The Art of Asking' -
Wikipedia defines Imposter Syndrome as: 'a psychological pattern in which an individual doubts their accomplishments and has a persistent internalized fear of being exposed as a "fraud" despite external evidence of their competence'
But not anymore. I've been on an incredible journey and am a singularly unique artist. I have a viewpoint and skillset no one else has with a crew of amazing Patreon Backers who value the path we're on together.
We're all waiting for some sort of validation but ultimately the only person who can tell us we're real is ourself.
✨NOW FOR 2019 ✨I'm excited & grateful, thank you 🙏