I was gone for a while and I'm sorry about that.
So, I haven't really been all that reliable the past months which can be equated to the entirety of summer. This isn't because I got lost in vacations and play. I wish it had been just easy lazying about.
A series of events I can and cannot recall led to a string of issues. As I've often mentioned on my videos on YouTube and the entire focus of my blog, I struggle with my mental health. Often times, I'm able to manage the comings and goings of depression. This time was not one of them.
Instead of working around the situation and finding ways to coexist, I shut down- almost completely and I grappled to find a way to be okay. Just okay because when you're not fine when you're not happy, okay is a blessing. I need to be okay at least. And I wasn't for the longest.
When things like chemical imbalance settle down and normality starts to incorporate itself back into life, that's when I decided to address the issue of my MIA status from the art scene.
I wasn't exactly sure how I was going to address missing here though. I didn't know-how. I felt like I had disappointed people who believed in me more than, well, me.
Returning just at the edge of summer makes it feel as if I've been gone for too long. And a few things in my life agree.
Unfortunately for me, I returned prematurely a week ago without a solid plan and just the idea of picking up where I'd left off. I thought it was reasonable.
Due to a freak update accident to my website, a year's worth of art and writing were lost to the abyss of 0s and 1s. It was heartbreaking to lose all the thoughts I'd written and the feelings I had shared in the past year. It was more than unfortunate to not have had a backup that was not corrupted. Nothing could be saved yet I was okay with it.
In mere hours, I was able to let go without a doubt. Sad yes but they were my words, my experiences. I know them by heart which means, I can share them again.
Similarly could be said to the next event but somehow, I get teary when I think about it and it's been 12hours since.
An Ode to Koji, My 1TB Hard Drive
In a 1TB WD Hard drive lived countless digital sketches, finished pieces, videos- raw and edited, and files I'd been safeguarding since 2012-2013.
Yesterday evening, I thought about finally going through my documents to pick up, again, where I'd left off with my art. And like last time, that wasn't the case for me at all. Instead, I spent 5hours desperately trying to figure out how to save the files tucked deep inside the unreadable, RAW hard drive that kept telling me to reformat (which would have erased the very things I was trying to save).
I didn't want them to disappear.
They weren't copies.
But they were 0s and 1s now. They're lines and colors I stringed together and they're memories, experiences I remember. Yet the potential loss of them hits me hard as if I'd lost something- someone.
The year of me sketching and drawing away for my sister's wedding invitations. The year of portrait commissions that led up to the start-up business logo commission. The year of me improving. It was a year filled with things I was proud to have accomplished.
I bought Koji, my hard drive after a series of portrait commissions. He was a piece of my journey that I could actually afford using only money from my art. It was a beautiful experience. It's like affording your first car or house without anyone's assistance. He wasn't a gift. I earned him. I thought it was a wise investment for a small but growing brand.
It wouldn't hold all my files in the future but it was going to do fine for the next few years.
But the few I had in mind fizzled to just the one.
And as much as I'd love to share other works in progress or art that had never been shared before or even a video of me cleaning my art space, I'm stuck in between wanting to cry and wanting to move on.
How to be okay
It's not a question easily answered and I don't think I can attempt to. The little normality I felt has now shriveled up, desperate to soak up life. For me, the best way to do that is to write and to draw, therefore that's what I'm doing- in succession.
I hope to return with better news whether that's through new art or (cross our fingers) old ones hidden away in Koji.
For now, I continue to do my best without compromising my well-being. I hope that's understandable and that you continue to follow my journey as I continue to update you of said journey.
In the meantime, my videos on Youtube are still available- not ever disappearing, lol and you can binge what that.