The Holy Heavenly Orb of Riyadh (AKA the HOHOR): One of the lesser known holy relics of Islam, the HOHOR is second in significance only to the Black Stone found at the corner of the Kaabah. But, while Muslims are required to make the pilgrimage to Mecca and kiss the Black Stone at least once in their lifetime, only a handful of people are called upon to touch the HOHOR. Failure to do so on a regular basis is said to result in dire consequences for all humanity, though no one can tell what these consequences are since no one has so far failed to regularly touch the HOHOR. It’s simply too enchanting. Conspiracy theorists who believe the HOHOR to be an alien artifact postulate that failure to touch the HOHOR could result in the formation of a mini black hole that could nonetheless suck in all of Earth if not the entire Solar System. For this reason many of them believe that the HOHOR is better kept under direct US or UN supervision. Saudi authorities, however, who consider themselves to be the official Guardians of the HOHOR, oppose such move saying that, in addition to being blasphemous, it represents a form of cultural appropriation; besides, they add, only Muslims can actually touch the HOHOR. The fact that U.S. President Donald Trump was allowed to touch the HOHOR during his visit to Saudi Arabia, they assert, proves that he is just another one of those secret American Muslims who have managed to maneuver their way into the White House. Indeed, there is a long list of such Muslims, we are told, all of whom allegedly belong to an old secret society known as the Order of the Orb (OOO) that has been running the United States since its birth. Conspiracy theories about Zionists, Free Masons, the Skulls and Bones Society and, more recently, the Muslim Brotherhood, are intentionally spread by members of the OOO in order to distract public attention from their existence. Ceremonies involving the HOHOR are usually held in secret, except during times of impending doom.
The Nobel Prize for Shiterature (AKA the Turdy): A new annual award honoring the best makers and purveyors of fake news and alternative facts. This year’s top nominees include: U.S. President Donald Trump, Russian President Vladimir Putin and Turkish President Recep Erdogan. Shiterary critics have raised the possibility of having all three share this year’s prize – a rare feat not seen in our modern times since 1939 when Hitler, Mussolini, Stalin and Franco got to share the prize.
The Court Jester: Long defunct, this official medieval position was revived by the Trump Administration soon after it took office in early 2017 under the name of White House Spokesperson. The move was initially met with bemusement which soon turned into shock, disbelief and despair. While the original intent behind this controversial institution was to amuse the king through recourse to buffoonery, the main task of the modern iteration lies in distracting the general public from the President's own buffoonery.
The Trolling Stone: An old tweet used to discredit and taunt someone by reminding them of their earlier stance on a particular issue. Although the practice dates back to the early days of Twitter, it has come in vogue particularly during the Trump administration with critics of President Trump using some of his old tweets to troll him, prompting the President to make his by now historic statement: “He amongst you who’s without a contradictory stand, let him retweet the first trolling stone.”
The Whirling Ivan: An American double agent that works for both Russia and Turkey.
The Cotton Flynn: A special machine that transforms shit into a cotton-like fabric favored by certain political figures when it comes to the making of their formal attire, and, on occasions, their hair pieces.