[hxx] [crackfic] Anthropomorphic Cats in Outer Space

It's been an interesting week.  I thought I'd try to spread some cheer.

Written for hebethen, cheyinka, and isis on DW.

Anthropomorphic Cats from Outer Space

CONTENT NOTE: anthropomorphic cats from outer space


Jedao Cat, a battered orange tom with half of one ear missing, was busy assembling the Laser-O-Matic he had sent for in the Hexarchate Space Mail (he had used his human's credit card).  If he successfully installed it into the spaceship, they would have 1,000% more laser power!  Or something like that.  And then they could hunt down some Space Geese to eat.  Boy, was he hungry.  He was so absorbed in his work that he didn't notice Kujen Cat padding toward him, or Kujen Cat's ever-present cloud of highly concentrated catnip perfume, which ordinarily made it difficult to concentrate.  Kujen Cat sat on him.

"How am I supposed to upgrade the lasers on this spaceship if you keep doing that?" Jedao Cat demanded, only it came out as a muffled yowl.

Kujen Cat purred determinedly.  He had a very loud purr, possibly because he was a Persian.  This also meant he hacked up the best hairballs.  Jedao Cat had always envied that.

Kujen Cat said, "You can barely use a screwdriver.  Haven't I warned you about doing unauthorized upgrades on my spaceship?"

Just then Cheris Cat came in, whiskers twitching.  Cheris Cat had sleek black fur.  Jedao Cat longed to groom it in a totally Platonic way, except the last four times he had tried, Cheris Cat had beaten him up.  Also, Cheris Cat's humans didn't trim her claws.  Jedao's humans always trimmed his claws.  It was so unfair.

"What is he up to now?" Cheris Cat said to Kujen.

"Why do you always assume I'm the one 'up to' things?" Jedao Cat said.

"Because I know you," Cheris Cat said.

Jedao Cat eyed his Laser-O-Matic.

"Say," Cheris Cat added, "is anyone piloting this thing?"

"We're on autopilot," Kujen Cat said blithely.  He eased up on Jedao Cat.

Jedao Cat scampered to the other side of the room and hid behind the Space Refrigerator.  He had never figured out how to open it, which was very annoying, because all the Space Kibble was in it.  (Goose-flavored, according to the packaging.)

"Oh, stop pouting," Cheris Cat said.  "Well, I guess if we're on autopilot, that's all right.  Because AIs are totally trustworthy."

Jedao Cat peered out.  Cheris Cat was staring at him without blinking.  He hissed at her, tail puffing out.

Maddeningly, Cheris Cat ignored that.  Instead, she hopped up on an instrument panel and walked all over it, triggering the emergency alarms.  Red lights flashed and a siren howled.

"Excellent work, my dear," Kujen Cat said.  "Maybe now the humans will feed us."

"They fed us just two hours ago," Jedao Cat said.  "They're not going to fall for that."

"Nonsense," Kujen Cat said, "humans always fall for it.  They love the emergency alarms so much that they come to celebrate them."

"I don't think you understand human psychology as well as you claim you do," Jedao Cat said.  Then he retreated back behind the Space Refrigerator so the humans wouldn't blame him for the ruckus.

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