Like a summer storm it all came to a head last night. This feeling, this urge, this overwhelming desire to scream at the top of my lungs in sheer frustration bubbled forth, almost to the point of spilling over into reality. I've been keeping a tight lid on this hot feeling of hopelessness and exhaustion inside, and much like a kettle of water, doing so can lead to a big, painful mess.
It's been a year on YouTube now. A full year of hard, grueling work day in, and day out, with little respite. Even at the gym, or at my day job, or even lying in bed at night, my mind never strays far from my dream. Every waking moment of every day I am constantly thinking the same thing.
"How can I improve?" "How can I grow faster?" "How can I reach a bigger audience?" "How can I grow a greater relationship with my Kros?" "How?" "How?" "How?"
Thoughts like these and many more are always in my mind.
Now, I can see that my channel is growing. I can see that my growth is very good compared to my peers. I know that my content is loved, and by that very thought, that I am loved as well. Yet, no matter how much I tell myself these things they do little to quell the one, simple truth that eats away at me little by little, each and every day:
I am not the best.
Those 5 words are the core of everything that makes me who I am. They are the center of my very being, and my very existence in life and on YouTube. There are tons of reasons why I am pursuing this career: making people laugh, raising money to fight cancer, having a career to be proud of, providing the kind of life my lovely wife deserves, etc. These reasons are like the icing that surrounds the cake of my desire to BE. THE. BEST.
I want it. I want this so bad it hurts me. Regardless of what I do in life, I don't want to be second best at it. Whether it's a video game, a race to the end of the road as kids, or a one on one battle in football, I don't want to lose. I never wanted to be bested by anyone.
Now, there are many things that I am not good at, and those things don't bother me. I'm a terrible artist, and this doesn't bother me, because I don't care about art. I have friends who are amazing cooks, who are fantastic with their hands, and who have brilliant analytical minds. I don't mind being second to them on these things, because those aspects aren't very important to me.
YouTube, on the other hand, I care about greatly.
So no matter how fast I grow, how many people I make laugh, and how many lives that I can effect in a positive way, it isn't enough for me. As I reached the month leading up to my one year anniversary, this overwhelming despair, anger and frustration towards myself began to build.
I couldn't recognize it for what it was.
No. That's a lie. I knew what it was. I knew that I wasn't good enough. I knew that I hadn't achieved the goals that I had set out for myself. I knew that when compared to the image I had of myself, my future self, I didn't stand up to it.
Reality is much harsher than my dream.
So, here I sit, writing this out on this Patreon page. If you've read this far, then you are one of the few dedicated people who truly care about me. Thank you for that.
I am going to take a break, albeit a small one. Just a few days. I desperately need a reset button on my brain. I need to get my head back in the correct space of mind if I'm going to be able to continue this impossibly long journey towards my dreams.
Don't be afraid though, I'm not throwing in the towel. Not a chance in hell am I giving up. That is the ultimate failure, the ultimate admittance that I am not the very best. I refuse to do that. It's just not in me to do. It's not in my DNA.
So, I may feel beaten right now. I may feel like I've failed to reach my goals right now.
I may get knocked down
But I'll get up again
No one is ever going to keep me down