The below is taken from a reply on this forum, where i am sorting through my issues and difficulties. Might click or give with some, might not. Is it interesting? Well, it is certainly interesting me, so yes. I've a deadly honesty sometimes. It starts with me being asked if i have options for a therapist, ya.. whatever:
Non at the moment, i wouldn't know what to look for. Like.. 'Therapist' doesn't
exist to me, other people do, so what would i be wanting from
someone?.. Feels weird, and wrong really. I've always had issues
expressing myself, and if i do it to a person it feels like i'm bringing
them into my own hell. That doesn't feel right, why would i want this
for another person? Or to be coddled by another person? I've essentially
been coddled my whole life? I don't know, it's a greatly embarrasing
Whats good though is some of that wall or inability to be open and
discuss is dissolving, though it's having good and bad effects. Like
trying to form a decent place for birth in a warzone or shit environment
isn't the easiest fucking thing.. or if everybody is a cunt about golf.
I think i just need to start working or something, i just feel a lot of
hate with it. The way society operates at the moment feels like it
relentlessly tries to shape or break you, and everyone is a culprit to
some extent. I don't know where to draw the line of resistance. I'm
probably paranoid of adjusting or aclimating to something i really
shouldn't. Being limited some way without knowing it, like so many of us
neurotic as we are ever, going on about something.. it's an ironic view
considering my current situation, but then i'm not limited here in a
sense. I just don't know what to do with it. Think iI need to exercise
forsight more, that might be more motivating.. Very hard to get myself
moving. Feels like plugging into the tides of the times and trying to
make something out of it. I can't look at living as a simple thing, and
anytime i make an effort in life it always comes back to this feeling.
We are demeaning yet depraved of good substance, sounds like bullshit to
say but fuck it, somebodies got to say it.
The buildings are on fire and people are confusing it for warmth. I
feel like shouting to wake people up, but it doesn't work like that.
Just like reason, just like the word. Thats amusing to write at least.
Not only that but i don't always feel access to myself. It comes
and goes and for a long time felt out of my control, and i've stayed up
too many long nights trying to get it. I have a numbness or a
disassociation where i become hallow and operate impulsively. I havent
found the magic mixture to constantly be on, and i've not much hope it's
in this current system. Things would be different if it was.
Like i was up all night, it's 7:27 now, and i'm probably going to be soon, or sometime before 12 seems to be the habit.
Fuck this is shit.