Jemima's Story, Chapter 1: You've Got Mail (panel 47)
Mi love dis panel.
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You've helped us live. Live! LIVE!!! You can see all our comics as soon as we make them, instead of the one-a-day pace we post here. Just our little way of saying thanks, Franks! (Note: Our website isn't done yet, so this reward won't, uh, be very rewarding for a little while. We're working on it!)
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You helped us live 5 TIMES (but don't stop now - there's many more of us)! To say thanks, we want to share a secret: we don't just make comics about people finding out they've never seen the real world - we make all sorts of arts. We'll post all the arts we've made and continue to make, just for you personally to enjoy! (Note: we're making this gallery on our website that's under construction, so lot's of stuff will go on there when it's done in addition to posts on Patreon).
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Every morning Robbie wakes us up with an inspirational message: “Hello, friend! We’re gonna have us a wonderful day!”; “You’re my prettiest, bestest friend ever. It’s okay if you don’t do anything today.”; “Lazy, lazy child! I got up four hours ago!” Now, he’ll send you a personalized message every month. Prepare to be inspired! Or, if you prefer, insulted. Or, as likely as not, confused. He’s a diverse service.
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Our people (us) will get in touch with your people (you). Want to talk to ben or Victor? Or experience the intensely specialized sign language that only Reggie can lay down? Once a month, we’ll chat on Skype, or the medium of your choice, just like old friends.
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You’ve probably been wondering why Reggie can’t talk, or why ben is made of cigarettes. Or perhaps why Victor is so afraid of lobotomies. Want to know about our scandalous past? Ask us one question a month, and we’ll illustrate the answer for you! We hope you like how we imagine English people, because that’s probably the answer.
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Maybe you’re not curious about the past. We understand - the past is a foreign country, and customs is a pain. Never fear! We’ll draw you anything you want (and we do mean anything), and if we don’t know how to draw it, well, we’ll draw it anyway! At this level, you can expect less scribbling (unless you like scribbling) and more fancy art stuff that takes lots of time.
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Remember when we said we could chat like old friends? Well, if you’re donating this much money, we think we ought to be old friends. Every month, we’ll make a video of us and Robbie and Gillian (our other super helpful housemate) reminiscing on the great times we’ve spent with you. Just tell us what it was we did together, (the time we officiated your wedding, the day we met in a federal penitentiary, or whatever) and we’ll canonize it for you! This is exactly what you want!
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If $50 can buy you one art, it’s intuitive that $100 can buy you two. It’s amazing how often intuition is wrong! However, at this point, you’ve freed up a lot more time for us, and we’ll be able to put that time into making you a legitimately time-intensive, neato piece of whatever kind of art strikes your fancy. Want a portrait of yourself? You’ve got a portrait! Want the portrait to have a lizard instead of a soul patch? We’ll draw you the most photo-realistic reptilian soul patch you’ve never known you wanted.
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You’re clearly not just here for the art. Maybe you’d like a side order of… side orders? Ben will invent a new dish every month and name it after you. Then he’ll cook it. Then we’ll descend upon it in a frenzy of teeth and claws. Then we’ll send you the recipe. Eventually, we’ll make a cookbook, and every dish will be called Wilbur Thom Blakely’s Food for Thought. If that’s your name. If you’re in town, you can even have dinner with us! Is this not also exactly what you wanted?
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Some people have household gods. Some people have you. We don’t see the need to split hairs. You’ll always have a place in our hearts, and a genuine, handcrafted shrine dedicated to you will always have a place in our home. A place adorned daily with fresh oranges and flowers.
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Um. We didn’t really expect to get this far. Why don’t you just call whenever you want? Not only will we be besties, but you can talk to Robbie for advice about how to handle your compulsive giving. He’ll probably tell you to stop supporting us, and we’ll hit him with a ladle until he comes up with something better. Then we’ll all be friends, you person who helps us an indecent amount.
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Well, you’ve done it. You’ve paid for our food and our room, all on your fancy lonesome. We suppose it’s only fair that we pay for yours. Come visit for a weekend (or couple days of your choice) every month, and we’ll cook you up a mess o’ Wilbur Thom Blakely’s Food for Thought. Hang out while we draw, crochet with Ben, wrestle our pet pig (that’s a real thing we have), talk into the wee hours, or LAN it up (because we’ll never let the future take our past, and our past has a lot of Age of Empires).
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Oh, for- you know what, just tell us what you’re into. We’ll try to make it happen. Remember that scene in Patch Adams with the old lady and the pasta? Well, this probably won’t pay for that much pasta, but you get the idea. You have supported us to excess, so at this point it’s probably more a question of what you think would be neat to do with us than what we think would be neat to do for any given stranger who gives us a grand. And you’re not just any given stranger. You’re our giving stranger. We love you.
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This reminds us of our favorite pick-up line: “Is your dad a thief? Because you just flashed an awful lot of unmarked bills at us. Or maybe you’re a thief? Ooooh that’s dangerous and exciting. You probably need somewhere to, like, hide out when the law is looking for you. I know a place. Some people call it a summer home. Some people call it a regular home. Us, we call it a super-duper-secret sneak shack. Whatever you call it, it’s a house, and we own it, and we could put up your Willem Dafoe poster in a room that you can stay in whenever you want and we’ll cook you Wilbur Thom Blakely’s Food for Thought every night and name all our pets after you, which is only fair, because you’re paying our mortgage. Wait, you’re not a thief? Whatever. It’s okay if you’re not dangerous. This is still pretty unexpected and exciting.”