July 2016 patron supported
 
Thank you so much for the support this month!
Tier Benefits
Pledge $1 or more per month
If you pledge $1 per month, I'll be grateful, but you know, not THAT grateful....
Pledge $5 or more per month
If you pledge $5 per month, I'll be five times as grateful as I am to those cheap bastards who only pledged $1 per month. What were they thinking?
Serious Supporter
$10 or more per month
If you pledge $10 per month, I'll ask my mom (Julie) to send you whatever you want (t-shirt, hoodie, signed book) after two months. Once we know you're serious about this, we'll ship the goods. (Please drop me a note via Patreon to let me know what size, style, and current mailing address once you qualify.)
Damn Serious Supporter
$20 or more per month
Andrew Jackson? Nice. Not the best president, but now we're talking some serious cash. You get whatever you want from my mom's garage: a t-shirt, hoodie, signed copy of her son's (and daughter-in-law's) book, a box of old photos she can't bear to throw away, cancelled checks from the 1970s.... Anything! You're the best! (Please drop me a note via Patreon to let me know what size, style, and current mailing address once you qualify.)
Hella Serious Supporter
$30 or more per month
I know I told those people at the $20 level that they were the best, but I was just being nice. If you pledge $30 or more, you're the best! You'll get the rewards for the $20 level, plus I'll promise to try to remember to shout out your name next time I have an orgasm, and I'll send a personal email to anyone you want (your parents' anniversary, for example?). (Please drop me a note via Patreon to let me know what size, style, and current mailing address once you qualify.)
Non-Chad Non-Dolores Supporter
$50 or more per month
If you pledge $50 or more, you'll get everything going to the lower levels, plus I'll name my first child after you -- unless you have a really strange name like Chad or Dolores. That'll cost you more. (Please drop me a note via Patreon to let me know what size, style, and current mailing address once you qualify.)
Full Tank for Scarlett Jovannson
$85 or more per month
It costs about $85 for a full tank in the van, which has incredible range. One tank gets me from LA to the north rim of the Grand Canyon. That's pretty good!
Pledge $250 or More
$250 or more per month
If you pledge $250 or more per month, and actually stick to it for a year, I'll come and park in your driveway and use your shower. How's that for an award! (US only) Also, I'll name my children after you, no matter how strange your name is.
Are You Nuts?
$500 or more per month
Do your parents know you have their credit card? Are you drunk? Are you trying to compensate for some horrible thing you did? In any case, I DON'T CARE! Thanks for the money! You get everything from the lower tiers, plus I'll bring you breakfast in bed, wearing nothing but slippers and mouse ears -- or whatever you're into.
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