Magic candy floss that turns you into a girl? Fucking nonsense. But I ate it
alright. Now look at me: a demon. Or something like that. I angle a smashed
mirror against the wall so I can see myself for a moment. My hair goes to my
waist. Deep black. Matted. And this dress- if it is that- torn beyond
comprehension. My skin is so pale. I look like a corpse but I can hear myself
breathing. I have a letter in my hands from Satan which tells me what I have to
Yuo are ordered hereby to destroy
twelve of the littel girls and consyume them like fuele for youre glory and
mien. If yuo cannoet do this your life ise over withyn mere hours fore you have
surendered to my temptyng when yuo toke a byte of the candie. Do not look for redemption
from godde it is futyle. From youre Pal Satan.
I'd read it over and over in the past hour. I needed to know if it was
genuine. Someone could have put something in that candy to put me to sleep,
then dragged me here for a sick joke. But I had to be open to all
possibilities. I thought Tyke might know something, so I stole away through the
streets to his house. It was pissing it down and I must have looked even more
hellish when I turned up at his door than I had done under the bridge. He was a
bit taken aback when he saw me. Still, Tyke had seen a lot of things. So this
wasn't much of a problem.
"Fuckin ell. Who are you?"
"Listen... it's... it's
"You know..." Odd time for me to wince. "Brian. It's
He stood sceptical for a moment. Then, "Aye. I can see it. Come in, Brian,
you sick fuck. I'll make you a cuppa."
As I trundled wet to the kitchen Tyke said, "Rachel I mean. If ya
A cuppa later, Tyke is still out of the loop.
"So... Satan, who can't spell, has left you this letter...which you found
under a bridge when you woke up, looking like that girl from
after eating some candy floss
which you thought was gonna give you a sex change?"
I'd heard about the magical candy floss online the previous day. A trans girl
conspiracy had put together the ultimate brew of feminising hormones and snuck
them into a new candy bar. Only a password and age identification stood between
you and a whole new life. Girldom: within reach at last.
"Hormonal change. Nothing about genitals. Super-fast, though. They said
you'd wake up female- breasts, soft skin, girly features."
"Well..." he gestured at me.
"That's it you see. All I have is this hair. It's not a wig. It's mine. A
new hairline... but my body- it's the same. No breasts. I'm male. I'm like
Tyke said nothing. He turned around and pulled what looked like a leather-bound
work from the shelf.
Silently flipping through mildewed pages, then:
He turned it round to face me.
Released in June 2005, this Satanic spirit preys on transgender individuals.
Its primary ruse is to promise transformation from the victim's sex of birth to
their preferred sex, provided the victim will serve Satan by committing
sacrificial murders, usually of children. It hides in food, often candy floss.
Tyke closed the book before I could get further. Looked me straight in the
"Okay," he said. "This is weird, but... I like weird. We don't
have much time. Though we can buy some. If you'll do something."
I didn't feel I had much choice. I weakly nodded. "Go and buy some girls'
clothes," he said. "From a charity shop or something. That letter
says you only have a few hours and I expect it's right. I'd go myself but we
have to be quick, and I've got something else in the meantime."
"I mean like kid's clothes."
"I can't explain. Just trust me. Please Br- Rachel. There's a shop about
20 minutes away."
I felt dazed. Tyke was the only person I knew with nouse about the demonic. I
"Just so long as it can fit a cat," he said. How strange, I thought.
"Something like a skirt and top, or a dress," he said. "That's
all we'll need."
Back from the shop I dumped the bag
down on the table. It was leaking with rainwater and so was I. Pulling the
horrid garments from the plastic bag I thought, Weird how the shopping trip was
fun in the end, even at a time like this. The little clothes seeped grey water.
Clothes I might have worn. Had things been different.
"Okay," Tyke began, stood like a wizard at a dark altar. I heard a
from another room.
"I didn't know you had a cat."
"I do now. Listen. Satan is an evil bastard but he's pretty stupid. We'll
kill the cat and he'll think it's a girl. He can't see well up here. Later
he'll realise, but it'll spare us some time for now. Okay?"
"Kill a cat?"
I could have made a show of resistance but the fact is I didn't want to die. I
wanted to find some way to get the devil out of me. Tyke said he would do it. I
just had to officiate the ceremony. Give my stamp to it. I was a hell priestess
now. Tyke told me Satan would want 'the girl' burnt to death so we did that
too. In the fireplace. When only the charred corpse remained and we were
staring at embers I suddenly heard the rattle of the letterbox and the sound of
a child laughing. I flew to the window and saw a boy scurry away in the grey
"That'll be your man," Tyke said.
"But the kid?"
I rushed to the door and tore open the unmarked envelope.
Yuo hav given mei somethyng to feast onne and Ie am thankfule for this
first gyfte. Butt do not be slowe in bringing the seconde of my twelve course
meale prettie one, if yuo want to lyvve ande become beautifule.
I had nothing to say. I threw it at Tyke, feeling my life was in his hands.
He nodded subtly.
"We're in the clear. I'll make a cuppa."
Having to burn the cat was horrific. But I have to admit I liked this costume
Satan gave me. I looked terrifying. The hot tea in my palms felt like a
broiling potion of blood. Bringing me life.
"Well, I don't wanna kill anymore animals for you, and that trick won't
work twice anyway- so it's to the church. We just had to do something to get
him off our tail for a bit, but tomorrow we can start repenting. And hard. Your
first letter said don't bother, but you know Satan- usually wrong about these
things. We won't know anyway unless we ask. And the church is the best place to
do that. Still, it's not open yet, so we can both sleep. If you're up at 7, we
can get there for 8 when it opens up. Okay?"
I said okay but somehow I knew neither of us would sleep. I couldn't, anyway.
Satan had too much to tell me. And I didn't want to be alone with him. So Tyke
and me sat in the living room, drinking tea as the wet sky turned black on that
strange Summer solstice, and I told him everything the devil told me. Tyke knew
well enough that a person left alone with the monster could be pushed to the
edge. And he wanted to help me. When the sun finally climbed over the world he
opened the curtains as if the light was God and could save me.
"The devil says I'm a heathen bitch and if I set foot in a church it will
"Shit. Shit! That means he sees us. He could probably burn that place if
you go in."
"So... so I'll go in. Cross my heart and hope to die I'm safe. I've dealt
with worse curses- just.
there's no hope for you if you don't ask forgiveness yourself. I... I should
have asked though, you're not a Christian?"
"I don't know. Don't I
"No, no. You need to come to God in the most authentic way. Your request
has to be
. I'd thought the
church would be best, because that god's forces are concentrated here, for
historical reasons. So there's that. But if you can't go in there, we'll try
the next option- do what is right for
and sod the local deity. That means more energy from you and less from the
divine. Whoever- whatever- it is you're calling, you have to try harder than
you would if it was running through this soil the way Jehovah is. But it's our
only chance. Up for it?"
a Christian. A weird one,
but they happen to need me. So I can use the church. But you- I don't know. You
have to think it through."
This was my part of the mission, then. I couldn't just take orders from Tyke. I
needed to make my own way. Rachel's path. I looked at him and I looked out the
window, the sun higher now. I couldn't tell Tyke in any words, but I knew where
I planned to go, who I planned to call.
So at 7:30 we were ready to walk to
the House of God. Tyke kept asking me if I knew what I was doing and I told him
that I was being as true as I could be with every step. I was not lying. Saying
goodbye to him was a part of my path. I had told him I would need a knife to
speak to the God. Goddess. I don't think Tyke knew what I meant.
He stopped at the church doorway.
"Alright. This is me, chum."
"And this is me." I was strangely cheery. In an hour I'd be at a
collection of rocks in a clearing atop the highest hill in town, the world dead
and silent around me, ready to make my blood libation with the knife and scream
for the Goddess.
"I'm sorry I couldn't do more, Rachel. But I'll go in there and pray for
you the best I can. I know a lot of the Book. Hopefully we can get you back-
I'll pray for it."
"Back... like...how I was?"
I meant male. Tyke looked away a moment. Then he put his hands on my shoulders.
He was solemn then, as if godliness was in him momentarily, and could talk.
"No, no...I wouldn't do that to you."
Tyke guessed I had three hours. I clutched the knife in my bag and set off up
the wooded hillside as the sun rose ever higher.