I'm really happy that I finally managed after long stressful periods of being insecure and avoiding comfrontation to come to a final decision. I really like to live up to expectations and even more so to excel at it. But the second day I was back in school it hit me. The only thing REALLY bothering me the most about the school(school had already messed up quite some things) the thing that REALLY bothered me, is that I was there. Every school messes up sometime, but maybe it was time for me to realise the truth.The thing that made me so pissed of is that I was there against my will. It's not that I don't want to work, or that I don't want to contribute to society, or that I don't love photography, because I really do!
School simply isn't a concept that works very well with me. This is something very personal. I really want to underline that this is striktly a decision that I made for me, based on my personal history and feelings about it, and that noone should take me as a example without thoroughly thinking it over.(or anyone for that matter)
It has been a long process, not just a decision I made after sitting back in school for 2 days again. I have thought about this long and hard, and for a while I was like a child, that is afraid to miss out, which makes it eat all the cookies from the cookie jar as fast as possible, instead of enjoying eating only one with a brother or sister. What I mean to say by that is that I've been compulsively working on holding out in school for as long as possible, while sinking deeper in debts, because "that is what is expected", and because it's what works for so many people, even though I've known for some time that this is not for me. Change is hard, and nothing is easier than to sit by and let everything pass and not have an opinion about it, to pretend school indeed helps you on your way further, just because that's what everyone thinks.
But is that life? I just really think now is the time to take matters in own hand, and to DO something. I may not be assured of a good/steady job from 9 to 5 with a good pay. But let's be honest. I was never.
"But won't you regret it?" No.
I regret being manipulated into doing something that didnt fit my life, and allowing it for too long. Being manipulated into doing someting elsa than live my life. I regret not standing up for myself earlier and saying "No more.". That I've been lulled into this, blindly trusting people that might only have thought what would be best rather than be sure.
But did you ever notice who are the people to tell you these things? They're often people that needed a diploma because they wanted to do something academic. Or some are teatchers, or sometimes they're people that have also been brainwashed to think you really need school, whatever may be your ambitions for your own future. And sometimes it's a person that really wanted to become someine with a job so specific they know precisely what studies are needed to get there.
For a lot of people school ís the way, don't get me wrong. and if you're just having a hard time in school, seriously, don't give up ok? It's not all that fun all the time, and sometimes it's really heavy. But do know what you're doing it for, and be sure to carry on! But please, please, please, Do it for yourself!!♡
Also out of fear of having to work a parttime brainless job forever, I haven't come to the conclusion before I wanted to stop with school. But knowing me that will be the last thing to happen, but school just isn't the way for me. The first few months or maybe even years I'll have to work a sidejob to be able to sustain myself, and tht won't be all that fun either, but I know what I'll be doing it for, I won't need to take that work home, I won't get as stressed of it as i got from school(or so I hope). And in the best of situations i will have even found a job in which i feel happy and usefull. Why have I waited to live? Probably to be able to say "Itried". but in the same time i screwed myself over by keeping to it while it feels wrong.
My old mentor was afraid i'd quit photography, and maybe so are you, but you needn't be afraid of that at all. Photography is a part of me, and noone and nothing is ever taking that away.
So now I'm taking back my life, to life it for me, and not for someone that thinks i really need a diploma, because there's other ways to "get there" without a diploma, or at least without torturiong me with this endless feeling of being worthless, while forcing myself to do something that doesn't suit me.
Already I have expositions to plan and what not. I'm going to work out an amount of ideas and I'll be having more time to work on my studio. So yeah I will be asking money for shoots from now on, but the positive thing is that everyone is now getting the chance to shot with me^^ Also I've already had a big assignment, which is great!
I'll be working on all my art and such while figuring out what next, and I'm sorting mail at the postoffice for starters, so that's a thing!^^ So there's that, one huge update after a while of silence, but I hope you're not too angry <3 I'll try and update more, and make sure to link more to patreon from now on, since I pretty much need the cash. I love you guys, be c-in ya! <3~ Love, Lilith