MJW -> DNA September 9, 2014 4:11 am
[My only amendment to this is that I do not now recognize DNA as a possible friend. DNA is not unlovable but she is an intolerable fraud. After giving her countless opportunities to "man up" and deal with this, and with great restraint considering the magnitude of my ruin, I am so repulsed by her that I expect to literally gag upon sight of her. That said... ]

These are all issues of mine to explore as I come to my understanding of the events that, for the first time in my adult life, stripped me of the ability to make decisions on my own for my own ends, able to rely on my own self and the resources and community I had collected along the way. My wife took my life and this ART is me trying to express the process of my coming to terms with it.

I’ve sometimes struggled on rare occasion but always chose where I would sleep, even just to have the best of the worst options. I became homeless in April 2014 and not because I did anything wrong, hurt anyone, lied or betrayed a trust, made any bad decisions or undermined in anyway my success or the momentum of my singular life. I was abandoned after being used by a woman I once believed was capable of love but now suspect is no longer capable of selfless love.

The consequences of her actions, the disproportion for even a perceived harm compared to my actual ruin, is begging for explanation. The lack of an explanation prevents me from challenging it and so I have been willfully manipulated by her into extreme powerlessness to thwart any attempt to regain any control over my life.

Excuses were made once, regarding her motives but they were so far removed from when I can cite the beginning of the end that I can only accept them as part of her fictionalization of our lives to conform to her need to live in denial. This is the extent to which my wife emasculated me by treating me as disposable as any misogynistic man in the old days would a woman he thought of as property or, at best, a pet.

I mention gender because I have been among my own friends trivialized because I am male and was forced to point out that if I was female they would have little difficulty recognizing me for what I am, an abandoned spouse, the domestic in a relationship dependent on a working partner.

The cause is clear and indisputable making the only question of the aftermath the why of it and what amends will be made before it literally kills me to remain in this condition at her hands or what rationalization will be uttered to describe the reward she received that justified costing me everything.

I am prevented from asking the only one on the planet who can answer by the guilty party herself. I am kept in ignorance and avoided because I can already bring down her ego house of cards with what I know and have deduced. What she keeps to herself I could use to measure the extent of the forgiveness she requires for our ruin to end, that she alone is responsible for bringing us to such a state.

As I represent personified the humiliating prospect of having to account for her impaired choices, my wife avoids me. Not because I now or ever represent a threat to her, my love, the why of it is that I represent the recognition of an agreement between us that she pleaded with me to not forsake when she started to behave irrationally. I assured her I would never give up on her. Besides the seriousness with which I made my vow I was in love with her and fully devoted to her. I never agreed to be disposable.

In an age where I can be slandered with a restraining order despite representing no harm or intention, I can be prevented from seeking a redress of grievance by her presenting my attempts to achieve it actionable harassment. The law is being subverted to keep a wrong from being acknowledged by making the call for justice, in effect, a hate crime.

That can not stand. This is a challenge of that, for a larger truth beyond our example, that I may use all at my disposal and means, what I know and what I have documented, to tell my story of surviving the devastation of my wife’s questionable mental health and the echo chamber that validates it because we are symptomatic, indicative of a larger societal ill.

To that end, with certain exceptions, I will not hesitate from this moment forward to publish relevant excerpts from our email or reveal pertinent personal information regarding my wife and her so called personal information. Regarding any oncoming arguments for her right to privacy, I have my documentation that her tacit consent was given, consistent with her proclivities for passive aggression and denial, if you’ll forgive a layman’s usage of a technical term “passive aggression”.

Prior to my commitment to and betrayal by DNA I had a say in where I lived and what I did to stay there. I do them publicly for the greater good even if they require revealing my evolving understanding of another person who might want to argue a right to privacy, what happened to you] ,[Probably my last written correspondence to DNA]

What did you expect of me? We’re at stake here. If our Great Work is not to be our Great Love together and the example it could set for others as we agreed then it will be various forms of Art and it will be beautiful and tragic and pointless and absurd and the truth. A pitiful tribute to the reasons we got together impetuously in 1987 and purposefully in 2009 and parted insanely in 2013. Everything in my possession involving you, with a select few sexually explicit exceptions, is raw material for the Art. I tell you as a courtesy. I do not seek your permission to show and tell the story of my own life or your influences over it. I’ve already worked out publishing your friend Doug’s emails on this subject.

You accused me of squandering you and what you gave me. Not true and at best just your fear projected as what might be, which you are in the habit of taking too seriously. I will refute the claim publicly.

I accuse you of squandering us and what we brought to each other, of dishonoring what we swore to each other and it may not even be your fault, if you weren’t responsibly conscious when you did it. That’s true and I will explore the possibilities why publicly.

A large part of the Art so far is me still [2014] making allowances for your dramatic change over time, be it the meds fading, the drink increasing, the shrink misleading, or your mom controlling you and so on. You were conscious when we partnered and then you weren’t when you seized control is my experience. You couldn’t tell the difference between me being sad because of your betrayal and depressed for whatever imagined reason but you could have when you were conscious.

Your ego had no interest in me if I wasn’t flattering it. Your conscious self looked directly into me and recognized your partner. You were quite specific in your emails. Why you don’t fear that lack of consciousness in yourself or the influence of others more than me is yet another mystery I’ll have to ask the universe about.

From the start to now, I was in it for us. All of me and you knew it. I still am but you refuse to acknowledge it. In the end you were in it for you and ran away when it suited your ego to ignore your conscious adult responsibility to us.

DNA, you really fucked up and need to fess up so you can be forgiven. Let go of all this highly charge emotional BS without having to suppress it. All that does is feed the neurosis as it seeks to validate all of the energy you’ve already put into telling yourself what you need to believe. Your conscious mind refuses to believe me so I hope your subconscious will and start chipping away at your bubble from the inside.

I know you don’t want to do it and you don’t think there’s any reason why you have to do it but I promise you that you will be better off in the end if you communicate with me soon.

I’m giving you every chance I can to participate in our story. If you want it to end that will require your involvement as well otherwise the story of DNA and Michael continues and you’ve left it to me to tell it. Not the kind of fame I intended when we partnered but apparently it’s the kind you want to be remembered for because, having all the power to make choices, you’re choosing that I continue in this way, giving me nothing else to work with. Or you could try being strong instead of just forceful and work with me to get us both through this

Please don’t make me tell more than I already have. What I have to say is truly only for you (and our therapist) to hear but if you refuse to hear it and I am compelled to speak as I am just to get it out of my head then the public gets to hear more of it. You’d be surprised how much I can say on the subject of our partnership and the possible reasons why you allowed it to get this far out of control while seeking to control everything. In public I cried for help but not for myself.

I have asked for compassion in my crisis but you are the one I’ve been trying to help this whole time. You won’t see it that way anytime soon but time will prove me an honorable man in the end. You embarrassment is a symptom of the ruling childhood neurosis that you must transcend to be free of ALL of this.

I am the man for you DNA. in love I cared enough to take the time to get to know who you are and that frightens you now, it feels like a power to control you because you lost faith in me so you freaked and ran. The loss of your trust without my ever having betrayed it means the problem is yours to discover and resolve.

Abandoning me is an evasion, not a gesture of personal strength on your part. I have the ability to withstand anything you have to go through to mature past your psyche crisis but to do it I need the strength that I can only have when I am with my family.

Without it you’ve put me in a position to realize your worst fear, being publicly shamed by revealing your behavior as selfish and frightened, immature and out of control. I don’t want to do it. Passive aggressive Indications are that you want me to do more of it for you.

You really should have taken my advice and gotten to know me before partnering with me. I was willing to learn on the fly but you showed so little interest in me over time. You have only yourself to blame if what I’m doing in this crisis surprises you. I was always available, eager to participate and patiently waiting for you. Until you became abusive and manipulative.

Despite arguments that I am abusing you, punishing you or otherwise trying to extract a revenge, I’m taking it all out on myself. I am the one who will have to win back the respect of people who I’ve traumatized with the story so far. I am not a threat to your body, your consciousness or your livelihood but your ego is another matter entirely.

You were conscious when we made our vows and your ego had constructed a massive lie in order to abandon me. I partnered with your consciousness, your lucid present and responsible self and I don’t answer to your ego, obviously. Your ego does not have the authority to end our consciously determined union. Even as it rebels and punishes me for my lack of cooperation I see the cry for help behind it.

That compels me to persist in reaching out to you. We did not become partners so I would coddle you endlessly but so that we each could become stronger together. I have the emails from the start and in your own words you set up the conditions that keep us bound even as you hide from the reality of what you’ve done to us. By your own lucid thoughts I am bound to resist the insistence of your ego constructed tantrum. You came apart as soon as I had a reason to be critical of you. How fragile were you and how much weaker have you become since?

I am not trying to hurt you or slander you and I am not able to shame you. Only you are. I can still be trusted to protect you but you alone have forced me to be public about your betrayal to explain my reaction to it and we should talk about what that is going to mean in the future.

As a gesture of good faith I’m including images of you that only you and I (and the NSA) will ever see, if I have my way. I offer it as proof that I am trustworthy now to protect you and that I still feel the uncommon love and desire for you that I did when you gave these moments to me.

This is not me living in the past and if you think there is any menace here it is entirely a figment of your imagination and I refuse to accept any part in it. What I am sending is beautiful and only for us. A reminder of what we were capable of being for each other and feeling together; open, free and otherwise uninhibited because we knew we were safe. You are this woman behind your fear and anger. Love under Will.

Dare to be a woman who can be strong and merciful instead of forceful and unforgiving. Live the rest of your life free from the chains of your childhood. They are not for me to remove but I will be your most loyal cheerleader as you make the attempt. I remain yours to the end.