These are two men who I have massive love for. One I haven't spoke to in ages but appeared randomly in a dream last night. The other, I've known since 5th grade and whom I've had an incredible tryst with. I've learned much from both of these gents... and it has made me think a lot about what I must have been like (outside of myself) during those years. If you were to ask me about those years... in my mind, I was just a girl, trying not to fail at school... who wanted boys to like me... who wanted girls to not hate me.... and to do more right than I did wrong.
I see now... looking back at a girl I hardly know anymore... I might have been more amazing than I ever gave myself credit for.
I have been able to connect with people very easily throughout my life... going way back as far as I can remember. What is also true about this is.... most people were not interested in connecting deeper with me beyond an offensive football cheer or hairspray... on the other extreme.... beyond getting me into a parked car at (sawmill pond/ you know who you are.)
But these two men... (despite the flirtatious hit and miss histories) have always been foundation life material. They have helped me craft the beautiful man I have in my life today... and for than I will forever be in their debt.
My ability to "connect," as it has taken me awhile to learn, is more of a gift than an attribute. The more people I meet that who are unable to do this... the more I have realized that having this (typically labeled attribute) is more of a talent than characteristic.
There is no reason why I should be friends with these to men. In fact, at one point... one of them completely broke my heart. He knows this. Is has apologized, but that never stopped me from trying to be present in his life. He and I are life-long friends... lovers of a different kind... and have tremendous respect for each others paths.
He has taught me how special I am. Maybe even how rare I am. I feel relieved to know that even then (as that girl I can hardly remember) that this past lover still thinks of me in such high regard.
My other past love... whom I had more of a crushing on each other relationship with, and less of a relationship with at all... is who came to my dream last night. A man I have had very little contact with over the past 10 plus years... but whom I reached out to immediately upon waking up this morning. He reminds me of myself when I was but a flirtatious little underclassman... trying to snag the attention of a football playing upperclassman... and the whole thing just makes me giggle.
My point in sharing these personal set of stories with you is... we never really know how we are going to impact one another over the course of a lifetime. Maybe who you once were, was someone who had a far bigger impact than you know. Have you forgotten that about yourself? Have you forgotten the lasting impression or the way you made someone feel.... have you forgotten how easily you can love someone... or how easy it was to be loved, even if by the wrong person at the time.
He loves my laugh still. The other laughed about my dream... One spoke his appreciation of my presence in his life... the other now has my phone number so we can stay in touch better.
Take a chance on the past... for what it can help make clear about your future. That is the only looking back you should be doing... forget the missteps... never-mind the mistakes (they were perfect) Just look across that past landscape and really connect with how it gave you an beautiful present... and an exciting future.