(BTW, this is my first blog post on Patreon, for ALL of our Patreon family, whether paying or not, as it's my ultimate desire and intention to be helpful to all of humanity.)
With that said, here's the Satori moment I experienced this morning...
I'm currently in Los Angeles writing this, and bought along Dr. DeSalvo's book for the plane ride from DC to LA. I didn't complete it on the plane, and therefore have been plunging into it for the last day and a half.
This morning, while eating breakfast, I read something in the book that landed on me as shocking... not because the actual content of the book is shocking.
What I read landed on me as shocking because the passage EXACTLY DESCRIBES MY EXACT EXPERIENCE...
You know those moments when you've been having an experience, without full awareness of exactly WHAT THAT EXPERIENCE IS, then someone comes along and puts into words EXACTLY what's happening for you?!?
Don't you love when that happens?
Well it happened this morning.
I was in bed early this morning crying. About what? The only thing that consistently has me crying these days, and that is, in a word, AWE.
YES, I cry at AWE almost every day.
It started awhile back, I don't remember quite when.
My tears used to be mostly over things that I couldn't change. Or things that made me sad. Or things I didn't like. Or things that had hurt me. Or. Or. Or.
Somewhere in the last couple of years, after an INTENSE dark night of the Soul experience that lasted about 3 years (this was my 2nd Dark Night of the Soul, the first lasted about 7 years) something changed...
I began crying for an altogether different reason. I began to spontaneously burst into tears when I saw something beautiful, which could be anything from a cloud passing overhead to a baby in a stroller to a leaf falling gracefully from a tree.
It was an incredible shift.
When the 'new cry' first started, I thought I was being overly sentimental, or it was a 'mood' that would eventually pass.
I felt so euphoric and so like I was touching heaven in those moments, that I was sure it would pass. Who can be euphoric all the time?
No one. Or so I thought...
Turns out, we can be euphoric most of the time, and I'm certain there's a way to live life that one can be euphoric ALL THE TIME (I don't have that one mastered yet).
I can say that something in me FLIPPED. Flipped from what to what?
Before the flip. my moods would range from moments of sadness and depression about 10-20% of the time (which I eventually discovered to be habitual, and not truly representative of the way I felt in the moment) to most times feeling pretty good (normal range) to 10-20% moments of ecstatic bliss (not normal, but I was able to achieve it here and there).
After the flip, my general state is bliss. Profound AWE. Ecstasy (without pills). I could call is ALIVENESS. Tingling. Uplifted. Inspired. Enthused with Life. WHOLE.
AWE. That's me now, most of the time; walking around with my mouth hanging open at something else God/Goddess/I AM has done through me, or for me, or in me, or as me. (Every time I think of this, I get teary, like I am right now, writing this.)
I see sparks on the usual. Spirits and more. My whole world is lit up. I see eyes looking at me when I close my outer eyes, the loving gaze of an entity beyond corporeality. I sense it is Higher Self or my Holy Guardian Angel. In truth, it has no name.
Accompanying the flip is this incredible heart opening, this profound love I have never experienced before, and it's all coming from within my own soul. I feel wide open, raw at times, vulnerable, expanded, immortal, invincible, indestructible. I feel this is the true nature and essence of the Self.
I feel like I've been stretched in a million different directions in the most heavenly way.
Why is such an ecstatic feeling bringing up so many tears?
I cannot hold them back.
I don't try to.
I feel profound THANKFULNESS, a sense that I have been given something of great treasure and value, yet not really sure of what it actually is.
I knew it felt like I knew answers to things that didn't seem to be common answers, meaning, it didn't seem like most of humanity had these answers. A lot of times, I say something in response to a question I receive, and many times, I've had the experience that I did not know the answer the second before I said it. It's like some Intelligence is spontaneously making me know things when I need to, or that I'm tapping into some vast well of Intelligence that indeed knows everything. Things are so clear to me, but they don't come by way of 'thinking things through' or trying to 'figure things out' (former default modes for an Air sign like me).
I just spontaneously know things. A LOT of things. Things that I cannot tell you that I've ever learned. As a matter of fact, I'm damn sure I didn't learn all this.
To be real honest with you, and to make sure there is no sense of pride or arrogance in ANY of this, I don't even know why I was gifted with this.
There's nothing special about me.
And there is NOTHING I did in my life, or in ANY lifetime, I believe, to receive what I have been given.
IT TRULY IS A GIFT OF GOD.
So humbling. So moving. So awe-inspiring.
I didn't ask for this, or maybe I did. I just didn't know what it was going to be like when it actually showed up, and I'm not even sure that all of me really believed that what I was praying for would show up. I do have extreme faith. Ridiculous faith. But beyond that, not really a knowing whether anything I prayed for would come to fruition in desirable ways, or when, or how.
And now, I sit here, tears falling, not because I'm sad or depressed or hurt or wounded or want things to be some other way than how they are.
I sit here now, tears falling, because I have an ANSWER.
Another gift of the divine.
The ANSWER to why I feel the way I do. Not that I needed an answer, nor was I looking. There was simply the ever so slight question behind what was happening to me, and in me.
I kept walking around thinking, something's happening to me.
I didn't know WHAT was happening, I only knew THAT something was happening.
Well today, boys and girls, the answer came, in a blinding Satori moment with Dr. John DeSalvo (not actually with him, with his book (-;).
"The mystic tries to connect or merge with the power of God in a manner that's more passive than active. He waits patiently for God to appear or be present in his inner being.... One waits for His grace to uplift him with divine love. Grace descends to an individual when God wills it, not when the individual wills it." - Page 65
THERE IT WAS... AND THERE THE TEARS FELL AND CONTINUE TO FALL.
This gift is by GRACE, not by my will, or my efforts, or my pleading, or my wishing.
How does a Mystic receive this gift of divine love, granted by grace?
First, what is a Mystic anyway?
"a person who seeks by contemplation and self-surrender to obtain unity with or absorption into the Deity or the absolute, or who believes in the spiritual apprehension of truths that are beyond the intellect." - Google Search
I think this definition is good, but not complete.
Mystics are known for solitude, quiet contemplation, fasting, continual prayer, renunciation, devotion, meditation and many and varied means of invoking the spirit of the living God to become ALIVE -- fully ALIVE -- and fully activated within the Mystic's consciousness.
Clearly, the Mystic is not in charge of when or how the spirit of the living God will respond, or if it will in the way that's being asked for.
That said, Mystics have inspired us throughout the ages, with their devotion and ecstatic raptures and visions of heaven.
Christ is my favorite Mystic and lives at the pinnacle of my heart and soul, he being my highest aspiration.
The Apostle John, a Mystic of epic proportions, who purportedly wrote The Revelation, wrote it from the seclusion of the Isle of Patmos.
St. Francis of Assisi was the Mystic who Dr. Wayne Dyer embodied and taught so much about.
Mother Teresa, another Mystic I hold in high regard as the ever shining example of complete self-renunciation born of compassion.
Dr. DeSalvo even speaks of a favorite Mystic: St. John of the Cross.
And we all know and love that beautiful enraptured poet, one of the greatest Mystics who ever lived: RUMI.
But I didn't set out to be a Mystic. I don't live in a monastery, never had the desire to. I have not renounced worldly possessions, much to the contrary, I'm all about a life of total and complete abundance. I'm not celibate as a way of life; although I've experienced long periods of celibacy, I also enjoy the tantric form of sexual devotion as a means to consummate union with the Divine.
So I'm not sure what qualifies me, if anything really does or can, to receive this gift of divine love from our Creator, by GRACE. I only know that I have. I am the recipient of a gift of immeasurable value, inestimable value, and I know it's for one purpose: TO SHARE.
I don't know what causes God/Goddess/I AM to descend by grace into a Mystic's heart and take over one's soul.
While I have fasted and prayed and fasted and prayed and fasted and prayed some more, I don't know what prayers actually were the keys to heaven, if there are any.
There is a clue... I have had, for many years, an ARDENT DESIRE FOR GOD AND ONLY GOD. It seemed that nothing could quench my insatiable longing for God, and only God. I always knew intuitively that if I have God, I have everything, like the big joker in a game of spades. Rather than asking for all the best cards, I wanted the BIG TRUMP. With the BIG TRUMP, you can take ANYTHING. In my life, when things come up, I think to myself, I'm playing with the BIGGEST TRUMP OF ALL, GOD, what you got? Nothing in my life has ever come back with an answer.
Still, there's so much I honestly don't know.
I only know that if it does happen, tears of awe are likely to fall often and spontaneously.
My overall sense now is AWE OF THE DIVINE.
I walk about in PURE and UTTER AWE. Awe of God. Awe of Divine Knowledge. Awe at Nature and all she unfolds all around us in every living, breathing moment.
AWE. AWE. And more AWE.
It's not that I don't have challenges, or issues to heal, or stuff to overcome, like everyone else, it's simply that something is different about me now... VERY different.
Now, let's turn our attention to Magick...
What is Magick and what is a Magician actually doing?
In this context, we'll go back to Dr. DeSalvo, longtime practicing Magician for his take on it:
"Magic, on the other hand, is not passive but active. Magic is the intentional will of a person to control or manipulate a physical or spiritual condition or circumstance. The magician attempts to alter his consciousness or to actively raise it to a different state, not waiting for God or His grace.... Essentially the practicing magician desires knowledge and power from God." - Page 65
So, Mystic, passive, patient, waiting OR Magician, active, in the now, creating, influencing, intending and generally making shit happen? Which is the better path to the Divine? Which is the most efficient and effective (because NO ONE I've met or talked to who's about ascension wants it to take one minute longer than it has to)?
For me, it's BOTH.
Dr. DeSalvo also came to this conclusion.
I hadn't words for these concepts until I read this book and now have in written form almost a perfect description of EXACTLY what my experience is and has been, for many years now.
I'm a MYSTIC and a MAGICIAN, and I scarcely knew it!
I do know I'm a praying somebody. I will whip myself up in devotional prayer and wave my wand. I love both.
But if I had to choose, I would choose the path of the Mystic.
Because this one receives a divine imparting that could literally result in no need for Magick. "YOUR GRACE IS MY SUFFICIENCY" comes to mind.
Solomon received the GIFT of divine wisdom, and used it to perform Magickal feats that have been attributed to him and no one else.
Solomon was BOTH Mystic and Mage. Our school is in the Solomonic Tradition because of the wonder and the wisdom of King Solomon, and all it means for Magician's everywhere.
If we consider Christ, our highest aspiration as Christian Witches, he too was BOTH Mystic and Mage. He was mostly Mystic, and Mage when he needed to be (but that could just be my opinion).
Either way, I would choose Mystic... because of the tears.
They're still falling.
I love you with the love of God,
P.S. - This is probably the longest blog post I have EVER written, including back in the day when I used to blog almost daily. Please do share with those of like mind who can appreciate it if you're so inclined and/or inspired. THANK YOU.